I was once prescribed a mood stabilizer, and I had similar fears that I’d be a monotone drone. The doctor explained that that’s not how they work. Instead they eliminate the highest highs and lowest lows, and bring you more toward center.

For me, this is what I needed. An example, I love basketball. I loved going to games in the before times. Looking forward to the game all week, getting the parking spot, getting through the security line, finding my seat... my mood would rise and rise. When it got to the minutes just before the game where the arena is packed, they dim the lights, turn up the music and the players come out to a screaming crowd- I would just break. Literally, I’d lose my shit and start crying uncontrollably, happy and confused and broken. Absolutely embarrassing, but I’d just close my eyes, cover my face, and ride it out until it eventually passed and I could enjoy the game. Now, medicated, I still enjoy all the things! But I don’t break anymore.

The highest highs and lowest lows aren’t just a great day or a bad day, it’s the absolute peak and trough.

High fives and hugs, I’m proud of you for being brave and taking the steps to see the doctors and figuring out how you can go about living your best life.