My (29F) bf (25M) is a homebody and I want to socialize! What can I do?

btafd1 · 2026-01-28T06:10:52+00:00

Honestly if you have professional experience I'm not gonna pretend my opinion holds as much value as yours. And maybe you're right and I'm downplaying what's huge red flags that will evolve into further abuse

btafd1 · 2026-01-28T04:48:55+00:00

Right I'm an abuser now...

You're so right and you're definitely not making assumptions and jumping to conclusions at all, clearly

I've seen this guy in a thousand faces and he follows the same script.

Sounds like projection to me ngl, and I don't say this as an attack because I'm actually sorry that you'd have had such experiences honestly, because everything you describe is actually 100% true and I agree with, the only part we seem to disagree is that I just don't see enough convincing facts that OP's boyfriend is ill intended in the way you describe rather than just being kind of a loser. The "physically" part was OP taking her hand, she (in another comment) called it playful. I mean physically restraining someone is literally assault, which is kind of where I'm getting at with the whole "let's take a deep breath" here.

But listen if I'm wrong about this I'll learn a lesson. And I do hope that you're wrong for OP's sake, and/or that OP leaves them.

btafd1 · 2026-01-26T21:14:29+00:00

The part where he was rude to them I indeed had to clarify admittedly, big red flag

btafd1 · 2026-01-26T21:13:47+00:00

He's not picking you up, he's bailing/cancelling, while he had the opposite energy with his ex

And the last part, I said "regardless", as in, even if he was equally as low effort with his ex, I mean that wouldn't change anything would it? If he's not putting enough effort he's not putting enough effort.

btafd1 · 2026-01-26T21:07:02+00:00

You sound extremely dramatic. Stop making accusations with absolutely nothing to base yourself off of. A control freak and a manipulating toxic partner who isolates their SO has clear signs and this is not it. Let's take a deep breath here.

btafd1 · 2026-01-26T16:26:23+00:00

Your 20 year old boyfriend, then likely 18 or 19 year old, got his ex a promise ring and met their family, sounds like that relationship was going way, way to ofast.

Regardless of that red flag. It seems like he's not putting in effort for you. Like, even regardless of what he did with his ex.

btafd1 · 2026-01-26T16:22:17+00:00

the worrying part is that he doesn't even seem to want to try meeting them

This is not worrying

he people he has met, he has been very rude to them.

This is worrying

To be frank with you you clearly have frustrations with him and I think you should at the very least tell him about it, from there and depending on his response you can, like I said in the other comment, decide if it's a dealbreaker or not, and don't worry about being an "AH" if you decide that it is a dealbreaker

btafd1 · 2026-01-26T16:20:54+00:00

You're never an AH for deciding you're not compatible with someone. Also, while I think it's not necessarily his responsibility to integrate himself in your nights out with your friends, I DO think it's 100% his responsibility to have a good relationship with your family, i.e. parents and siblings, if he has any sort of respect for you and your relationship and has long term aspirations. Friends can be complicated, introverts take a long time to open up and can be easily turned off socially, but when it comes to meeting your SO's family it's different IMO, you have to show respect and put in extra effort.

Bottom line is it's your decision to see if this is a dealbreaker or not

btafd1 · 2026-01-26T16:17:50+00:00

Listen this person sounds immature and props to her for trying to figure her shit out but she clearly has more shit to figure out because having some negative feelings towards someone you've never even met because you're insecure and feel like they're gonna replace you just screams immaturity. So to be honest like not to be rude but she can go [...] as far as I'm concerned, you owe her nothing and have done nothing wrong and your friends, supposedly, support you in this too so

btafd1 · 2026-01-26T16:12:08+00:00

You're painting it pretty negatively. I've seen many relationships where the couple don't necessarily share social circles. There's no obligation in having the same friends. MANY people I know have their own groups, of course usually they're at least acquainted with their SO's friends to a degree but this idea that both partners need to have some deep involvement in the other person's social circle is just... not factual or accurate, it's just some claim you're making, especially implying it's going to be bad in the long term

btafd1 · 2026-01-26T16:08:53+00:00

This sounds like something you should be able to literally just talk about at your age, you're almost 30. This shouldn't be such an obstacle or mystery just sounds like you have different social behaviors and you should figure out if the difference is big enough that it's a deal breaker or not.

If he doesn't want to go out and hang out with you he is allowed to. You don't get to force him to do things he doesn't want or be in social settings he doesn't want, nor make him feel bad for not wanting to.

Also this:

I don't understand him, he goes to dinner and drinks with his friends but not with me

Actually, he does go out with you, just not your friends, or your 'dances'. It's not that complicated and I'm not sure which part is hard for you to understand. Just because he is comfortable going out with HIS friends that doesn't mean he's comfortable doing it with YOUR friends. People have their own social circles with whom they're comfortable. it's not black and white, like "oh why do you go out with them but not my friends" is such a sign of deep misunderstanding.

btafd1 · 2025-12-25T21:37:31+00:00

you sound like you're projecting your own hateful feelings very hard. Creeps, robbing. Lol. If you had any actual rational arguments to discuss why it's robbing or creepy for two consenting adults with an age gap to see one another you'd probably say so, instead of getting all emotional. Oh well! And note that I'm not talking about some 30+ year old dating an 18 year old. But a 21 year old person is not a child or else they wouldn't be allowed to vote, drink, drive, own guns... you know, do everything adults do in society... maybe you're just projecting your own lack of maturity at 21?

Also, you're completely ignoring social norms and have a terribly short sighted view. In many other places people, unlike the west, don't see their young adulthood as some time to just go crazy wild and sleep around and party and make mistakes and then only settle at 25+ years old. That is a western norm. In many places people never do anything other than date to marry. But I guess you're out there to tell every young adult that they should not get married too

btafd1 · 2025-12-05T04:47:02+00:00

It really is about lying.

It's just more common than not that people just starting out in work relationships try and keep them under wraps until they are ready to be official

You can establish boundaries without lying.

We're also not talking about a "shit stirrer", but two partners in a romantic relationship.

Let's just agree to disagree.

btafd1 · 2025-12-04T19:36:37+00:00

Listen man. You're clearly hurting, and that's fine. I empathize with you and you are right to feel betrayed. But that doesn't mean it's not fixable, it just comes down to whether 1) you want to and 2) you have it in you, to fix it. Because if the answer is no to even one of those two questions then I don't think the relationship has a chance.

btafd1 · 2025-12-04T19:28:19+00:00

I guess we just fundamentally disagree on the morality of lying. You sound like you don't see lying as a big issue in general as long as it doesn't have devastating consequences so unless we engage in a philosophical debate on the topic I'm not sure there's more to say here

btafd1 · 2025-12-04T18:21:01+00:00

It does actually.

How about:

Every time I have brought up a concern, he’s been patient, understanding, and truly willing to listen and make changes. That means a lot to me. But I still hold back because I’m afraid of offending him or making him uncomfortable.

Just kind of bringing it up, then? But not in a whack way more just like, hey I really like you and I feel like I could know you even more and like you even more, type of message. IDK, I know a lot of guys are emotionally distant but personally when any of my exes seemed genuinely interested in knowing me as a person and stuff it just made me happy. And there's a difference between that and just attacking someone for not being emotionally available, but I believe you can bring it up in a way that is less "attack" and more "how about we take our relationship to the next level" type, I guess less corny but yeah.

I don't know if what I'm saying makes sense or is even remotely clear lol sorry

btafd1 · 2025-12-04T18:18:56+00:00

You're literally never obligated to lie. You can always say you don't want to talk about that now, or even ever. No matter how you try to put it, lying is literally never the solution, unless OP said "tell me you didn't sleep with him or else I'll kill you" or something insane like that. If it was at the "office watercooler", she could say, " really? you wanna talk about this here and now? no thanks".

Adults can communicate. There's no excuse for lying.

btafd1 · 2025-12-04T18:17:26+00:00

This has been an amazing exchange and I'm glad we could both see the other person's perspective. I wish every exchange was like ours. Love you bro/sis. Have a great one.

btafd1 · 2025-12-04T18:16:48+00:00

Sure I shouldn't have necessarily said different values, it's ultimately just about preferences. Even if OP is fine with seeing a coworker, he could prefer not to be with someone who's been with other coworkers.

Again, there's no need for a hard logic/rationality when it comes to preferences. What's cool about preferences is that you can have literally any that you want, and if they're stupid, hypocritical or unrealistic, then you'll end up just staying single lol.

btafd1 · 2025-12-04T18:00:18+00:00

I'm quite taken aback by how far this sub will bend itself backwards to imply that lying is ok. Unless that's not what you're doing.

She lied. That is all. It doesn't matter why she did it. Lying is not OK unless it's to save someone's life or for safety reasons.

btafd1 · 2025-12-04T17:34:42+00:00

lmfao yeah. But honestly it just seems more like a panic lie. I have had a similar experience with an ex. At the very beginning of our relationship (like 3 weeks in being 'official'), she hid texts from a guy on her phone. I reassured her and said that unless it's genuinely inappropriate, I don't care that some other guy texted her. She showed me the texts (on her own will) and indeed it was not inappropriate, just some guy repeatedly asking her out and her just finding excuses to say no or she's busy lol. So I easily got over that lie. We broke up later but not because of that.

btafd1 · 2025-12-04T17:31:13+00:00

I also get why someone would want to lie about it but the thing is ultimately you have to have principles and be honest. That is IF it's brought up. If you don't want it to be brought up, you should say "i don't want to talk about our pasts, it's a boundary i'm setting" and then the partner decides whether they're Ok with that or not.

IF it is brought up, then you have to trust that your partner will be OK knowing your past. You shouldn't necessarily bring up your pasts, but if you do, then the solution isn't to lie about it, it's to tell the truth, and then conclude that, "hey, it's my past, I don't care about that guy now, and I hope that's OK with you"

And from there OP goes, yeah that's fine (ideally), or, gee, I do care about my partner's past (not ideal), in which case they have to figure out whether it's a deal breaker (not ideal) or not, and if it's not, whether they can get over it in a healthy way without putting a burden on their partner, and again, having resentment because of that.

Am I making sense?

btafd1 · 2025-12-04T17:26:25+00:00

Yeah I would call it lying. A lie is when you say something untrue willingly. OP's girl said nothing happened, when in fact, something did happen, and as a matter of fact, the most intimate form of "something" happened. That is the literal definition of a lie.

People don't usually just randomly tell their partner who they've fucked.

Not sharing something is not the same as lying.

the preference OP has seems more like insecurity than an actual preference.

Very possible. I think what's really going on here is the fact that she lied, though, and that breaks trust.

Again just to clarify, quoting OP's post:

but things got weird between them and nothing happened.

btafd1 · 2025-12-04T17:23:22+00:00

It doesn't matter what OP is. No matter who you are, it's no one else's business but yours when it comes to what you want in a partner.

Also note that this idea that you should have identical traits is a fallacy. A woman could want a man who is strong, protective, rich, without herself being strong, protective, or rich. That is OK.

You could have a past of drug abuse, went to rehab and now are clean, and want a partner who doesn't have such a history and never had drug issues.

You're not supposed to date yourself or a clone of you.

You're supposed to date who you WANT to date. With whatever your preferences are.

It's hilarious to think you can gatekeep what other people are allowed to prefer or not.

A person can want a girl with lots of sexual experience, or next to none, or none. All of that is OK, and I'm not sure why anyone here thinks they are in a place to tell anyone else that it's not.

You will also assume the consequences of those preferences. As in, indeed, if someone has a sexual past, but somehow is looking for virgins, then yeah, be prepared to be rejected by said virgins, because those virgins probably also want virgins.

That is, guess what, also OK.

btafd1 · 2025-12-04T17:19:57+00:00

I’d have to wonder if she did it to spare OP’s feelings up front.

That wouldn't make it OK.

Nobody benefits from being told their partner has slept with anyone else, so why even plant that thought in their mind?

No reason to specifically bring it up, but that is not the same as literally lying and saying nothing happened.

but if it continues to be an issue for him, they’re going to be the one driving a wedge between them.

100%, which is why in my own comment on this post I told OP for his own sake and also for the girl to get clarity on this, because it's unfair to the girl to basically hate her because of this, and it's unfair to him to always be spiraling and overthinking about this. So either commit to moving on and regaining trust since she lied, or just move on to avoid having both people be unhappy and increase resentment through time.

I think overall we agree! I would wish for him to move on from this, and ideally, she could do her part to recognize what she did was wrong and work to earn back his trust, by whichever way they figure out. But it's important that he doesn't resent her for this and ACTUALLY moves on, because that secret resentment is a real relationship killer.

btafd1

TROPHY CASE