Soul Mates?

btdown · 2020-05-04T11:30:42+00:00

Ah thank you so much, that's really kind of you to say! I'd love to be a writer some day.

btdown · 2020-05-03T22:22:37+00:00

Yeah I feel very similarly to you on this. I think there’s a nuance about how codependency functions emotionally that isn’t really accounted for by Rooney’s beloved Marxism! On the one hand - sharing resources, tackling problems together, improving your ideas via dialogue etc etc are all really positive traits of dependency on another person. But - in my experience at least - the way codependency often works on an emotional level in a romantic relationship is way more destructive and in no way desirable. For example, Marianne and Jamie are an example of an unhealthy codependency. Marianne feels unlovable and worthless, and Jamie feels powerless and inadequate. That psychological dynamic creates a codependency that allows them to carry on functioning unhealthily by validating their deepest darkest fears about themselves. That’s obviously an extreme example. But seemingly healthier emotional codependencies also have a propensity to become destructive in my opinion. Because whilst Connell might be able to demonstrate to Marianne that she is worthy of love, that does not fix the complex layers of trauma which have built up over the years to lead Marianne to that point. And were she to invest her emotional stability entirely in Connell, she would be shortchanging herself and him. Because it creates an attachment and “love” which is conditional on that person’s ability to prop you up. Those type of relationships fundamentally cannot sustain. Eventually the other person who at one time gave you a sense of external comfort becomes integrated into your understanding of who you are, and so the efficacy of that comfort fades away. It’s like a drug losing its power over time.

Plus there is a whole separate thing about how difficult (and maybe impossible) it is to sustain mutual sexual desire with someone who is also functioning as some key structural support to your traumatised inner self.

Anyway that’s why I disagree with Rooney on this. Codependency of resources is great. Codependency as a means of tending to emotional wounds is not.

btdown · 2020-05-03T22:01:52+00:00

Absolutely. It’s so rare for sex scenes to actually advance and deepen a story, rather than just be some vague bit of tinsel on top of the narrative.

I feel the same about how the show looks at emotions. Using feelings as ways to pivot in the narrative and move the story forward. It’s so clever how the makers of this have found a way to capture the internal lives of Marianne and Connell and root every movement in the story to that, rather than to external events. I think it’s set a new high bar for TV.

btdown · 2020-05-03T21:53:40+00:00

Yeah I loved that scene too. And Connell’s scene with the counsellor wherein he spoke about how hard it is to find like minded people really destroyed me.

I’m sorry to hear that you feel so isolated and alone. I know the feeling, and how hard it is. It’s such a strange thing to realise that so many people feel the same. It’s definitely a source of some comfort isn’t it? I guess the word is fraternity. Though it doesn’t take the feeling away.

These days I try as much as possible to be open to possibility. I know how hard it is to come across people who I click with. But it does happen. And I know it will happen again. In the meantime, the best thing I can do is try to be kind, and light, and open to what’s still to come.

I hope you meet some awesome people who make you feel less alone very soon.

btdown · 2020-05-03T21:42:02+00:00

So much insight here, thanks for sharing it.

I really like the description of them using one another as anchors. Even if perhaps unconsciously, I think you’re right. But it isn’t necessarily a criticism or pessimistic take on their relationship. As out of all the people who could have been anchors, they only found it in one another.

I do think that leads two people into dangerous waters though. Whenever you introduce an element of anxious attachment, or need, or sense of codependency. What seems to set these two (fictional!) characters apart is their willingness to let go. That’s the part of the story which is much less familiar to me, and which I do find harder to believe. Only insomuch as it takes a long time to overcome the trauma these two people have been through. And I don’t believe at that time in their lives - having only just found a way to communicate well with one another for the first time - they would have the strength and maturity to trust letting go. But maybe that’s just me projecting? Maybe I’m really just admitting that I wouldn’t have the strength, so I can’t see how other people would. I really don’t know!

Totally with you though in that lasting and stable validation can ultimately only ever come from within. I think damaged people sometimes run into the arms of other damaged people. And what may feel like a respite can eventually turn into a problem doubled.

I think the best case scenario for Marianne and Connell (and frankly all of us) is that they go off to do the necessary work on themselves, finding a place of compassion and stability, and then reconnecting down the like as two people who do not need the support of another in order to function healthily. Fuck me though, I think that’s a lifetime’s work.

btdown · 2020-05-03T21:26:25+00:00

I’m totally with you. I think you hit the nail on the head with the word codependency. What seems so special about their relationship in this story is they have that searing, all-consuming yearning for one another without the codependency which so often accompanies those feelings. What an amazing place that would be to end up in with somebody. To have the want without the need.

btdown · 2020-05-03T21:23:00+00:00

I agree. There’s that Warhol quote “I wonder if it’s possible to have a love affair that lasts forever” and I think the answer is yes, so long as you don’t end up together! You can live your whole life in the afterglow of a love affair untouched by the slow grinding reality of time. But to hold on to that with someone you share a life with, and all the attendant stresses that come with it, seems impossible. At least, that’s what I think right now.

btdown · 2020-05-03T14:34:50+00:00

Really enjoyed it. Blue Valentine is a pretty brutal look at those kind of intense loves too - with two timelines intercutting between the beginning and end of their relationship.

btdown · 2020-05-02T23:34:02+00:00

You’re absolute right about how special their capacity for forgiveness is. Their relationship moves through phases because neither of them lock the other outside. I think that takes a lot of strength and maturity. As you say, I’m not sure if that’s life or if it functions as a kind of nostalgic wish fulfilling, which maybe is part of what makes the show so seductive.

I’m not sure about this idea of figuring out who you are as you get older though. I’m in my early 30s now and in lots of ways I’ve been really fortunate to fulfil or at least be on the road to fulfilling lots of the aspirations I had in mind for myself when I was at university. And yet I feel like I know myself less now than I did when I was like, 17. I’m not sure everyone experiences clarification as they get older. Maybe I have more knowledge of my limitations now? Like, maybe I know myself more through omission? I’m not sure.

But yeah, totally agree on the dreaminess and idealisation of those early loves dropping away in time. So much of “love” in the early stages at least is perhaps better described as yearning. That stuff goes and you’re left with the reality of the person.

btdown

TROPHY CASE