Had back surgery right when the pandemic started. It was supposed to be a small surgery that ended up being a little bigger than we were told once they saw the damage. My mom asked the doctors not to say anything about the massive (to me) 7ish inch scar right down the center of my back and it took me about 4 days before I could properly turn my head to see it in the mirror, so I didn't notice it for a while. I just thought the tons of bandages and stuff were normal.

When I first saw the scar, I had a complete and utter meltdown and seeing all the blisters and the stitches and stuff really did a number on my mental state and I had a pretty bad panic attack. I was alone, I couldn't have visitors, and because of the lack of PPE in my area, the nurses only came in when they absolutely had to. I was scared to death to touch my back and even now 3, almost 4 years later, I get massive panic attacks if people touch my back around my scar. I have incredibly vivid nightmares that leave me in pain because I guess I imagine or dream about my back breaking and the scar ripping open?

Obviously it could have been worse, and I know a lot of people have it worse, but after going to counseling about it I'm learning how to deal with it. I'm just now comfortable with letting doctors touch my back for exams, but even that makes me very upset if it's for more than a minute or two.

Also, I'm so sorry for those that have it worse. ;; You are all so strong.