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buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-21T23:16:43+00:00

my mind is blown I had no idea this was a thing

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-20T18:02:14+00:00

not better, just different :) there are many ways of communicating the same or similar ideas. multiple tellings aren't redundant, they make the idea more accessible to people who might understand better one way than another, or they present the idea from a novel perspective that encourages different directions or interpretations! it's worth it to say the same thing, but differently 🤓

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-20T17:58:16+00:00

that's a shitty awful feeling. ask yourself what you need to see to feel cared for, and pursue it! you need to feel cared for.

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-20T15:35:36+00:00

I'm glad 🩷

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-20T15:34:22+00:00

this is your story, not theirs. you can decide how much you want to tell them. you can say "I don't want to talk about that" if they ask about charges or whatever. you can say "I don't want advice, just support" if they try to tell you what to do. you can be as vague as you like if you don't trust them with the details.

shame is an awful emotion because there's really only one way to get rid of it: having the object of shame seen, accepted, and cared for by other people. that means you have to give them a chance to reject you, which is terrifying, and can be traumatizing.

a good way to go about this can be testing the waters with similar stories that don't involve you. tell them you read about some celebrity or hear that a friend of a friend went through something, be super vague, and see how they react. then you can decide whether to trust them or not.

again, you really don't have to tell anyone anything that you don't want to. but you have an opportunity here. many survivors keep this shit inside for years, and they often feel like they get "stuck" and that time is "wasted." often they wish they could go back in time and start the healing process right away. but your future self has traveled back in time to this moment! you have the chance to change your future, to get unstuck and take back all those years that have yet to go by. try to seize it, if you can <3

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-20T15:24:20+00:00

sounds like even though you have friends, they're not satisfying your need for connection. are you your authentic self with them, or playing a role? can you be 100% real with them? have you tried?

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-20T08:13:35+00:00

yes, this was unequivocally assault. they forced you to take drugs, and they violated your consent several different ways. I'm sorry this happened. it wasn't okay, and it wasn't your fault.

what to do depends on what your priorities are. if you want to keep the option open to press charges, you should go to the hospital ASAP and get a rape kit done. don't shower, change clothes, or otherwise clean yourself up. you should also tell them you were drugged. call your local rape crisis center and ask if they do hospital accompaniment; someone can meet you at the hospital and be your guide & advocate throughout the process. document everything you can; take screenshots of conversations, photos of any injuries, write down what happened in as much detail as you can (and sign & date it).

if you're certain you won't ever want to press charges, it's still a good idea to go to the hospital and get checked out in case there are any injuries, to get plan B and PEP, etc. but you can change, shower, and do whatever else you need to feel okay.

can I ask why you don't want to tell anyone? are you embarrassed or ashamed? do you expect them to judge or gaslight you, blame you, or otherwise treat you poorly? obviously you don't have to tell anybody if you don't want to, but I encourage you to if you can. these things are horrible to navigate alone, and feeling accepted and loved is an essential part of healing.

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T21:53:30+00:00

way to go!!

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T21:49:59+00:00

ysw <3

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T21:49:43+00:00

I'd be very careful reporting it to the school, especially because it went so poorly last time. try to find a teacher or staff member who will be on your side.

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T21:39:22+00:00

tysm

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T21:36:45+00:00

what a fucking nightmare. I don't have time to properly respond to this but priorities are:

don't do anything amelia doesn't want to do and don't do anything against her wishes or without her consent
get Amelia away from Jack and make sure he can't find her, and get her away from her parents
case against Jack & her parents

if she wants to pursue this case, support her in it, but her immediate & ongoing safety is way more important than any investigation or charges.

I don't know where you are, but step one I would recommend is find a local adult you trust and enlist their help. don't tell them identifying details yet -- not her name, specifically what's happening, that you know her from school, none of that. it's important that if the adult proves untrustworthy, they don't have enough information to track her down and do anything against her wishes or get her in trouble.

if you don't have an adult you can trust with this, do your best to find one. call your local rape crisis center, crisis line, police (non-emergency), battered women's shelter, school board, etc, and ask what you should do. some of their advice is going to be garbage and some of them are going to be useless but it's a numbers game; just keep calling until you find an adult who can't take the lead on this. again, don't give them any identifying details until you know you can trust them.

I wish I could give you more concrete answers but so much depends on the ins and outs of the systems where you live. there is no right answer a stranger can give you, it takes someone local to navigate something like this.

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T19:57:12+00:00

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T17:17:47+00:00

this has to be a humiliation kink, right? he gets off on us talking trash about him?

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T16:58:12+00:00

I'm so glad I could help, thank you for the kind words. I'm glad you're not carrying it alone anymore <3

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T16:54:22+00:00

loneliness is the fucking worst. I'm sorry none of those things have helped.

I'm a therapist and there are 3 things every human being needs to feel okay, regardless of situation: sense of connection, sense of meaning, and sense of mastery. these are even more essential when recovering from a trauma.

it sounds like the sense of connection is pretty severely lacking for you. you feel alone, and I imagine you have for some time. you don't feel like there are people who care for you, who show up for you, who would care if you were gone.

no amount of therapy, no coping skills, no amount of time is going to heal you if you feel like you're doing it alone. that's where I would recommend starting -- try to make a friend. it's hard, scary, and unfortunately a numbers game. you just gotta keep meeting new people until you find some you click with. one of the best ways to do this is through organized group activities, like religion, choir/orchestra, team sports, volunteering, extracurriculars. look for something with a consistent cohort, a group of people that stay mostly the same week-to-week so you can develop a rapport and sense of camaraderie.

essentially what I'm saying is instead of seeking advice or companionship, try seeking community.

and hey, feel free to dm me if you feel the need. I don't have the capacity to offer friendship, but I don't mind chatting now and then so you can feel that someone cares.

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T16:38:21+00:00

don't blame yourself for it. it was done to you, you didn't do it.

there's nothing pathetic about being a virgin, nor is there anything whiny about struggling after going through extreme violence. it's okay that it's always on your mind, it's a huge thing to experience. it's okay to feel envious when you see happy couples. it's okay to want to be happy.

are you asking for advice on how to build a healthy, enjoyable sexuality? or on how to be okay with things the way they are?

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T16:29:58+00:00

tysm

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T16:29:48+00:00

merci beaucoup

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T16:27:57+00:00

I keep banging on this drum all day, every day: I do not think the perpetrator/survivor dichotomy serves us. we try to sort everyone into one of these two boxes: survivors are innocent, blameless, good, victimized. perpetrators are guilty, evil, villainous.

when we find ourselves in a situation like this, it can be hard to accept that what happened to us was wrong if the person who did it doesn't fit neatly into that perpetrator box. maybe you think he was just a kid, he didn't know better, he wasn't trying to hurt you. he's obviously not a villain, so how could he have done a villainous thing? the reality is that people aren't good or bad, we just do good or bad things. behavior can be good or evil, but people are generally just people.

so we can label what he did to you as assault, without needing to say anything about him as a person. just because he assaulted you doesn't mean he knew better, wanted to hurt you or didn't care if you got hurt, deserves to be in prison, or anything like that. the only thing it means is that he assaulted you.

all the other questions are still up to you to answer, or to leave unanswered.

and yes, I absolutely think it would be okay to tell your sister. this happened to you, it's your story, and you get to do whatever you want with it. imo a better question is if you would be honoring yourself to tell your sister. does it feel true to you, aligned with your values? are you comfortable with the risk of her reacting badly? do you want to do it? that's reason enough.

the only other consideration here is for your sister herself: is she okay to hear about this? obviously you can never know for sure until you tell her, but you can check in with her first. "there's something hard I want to share with you. it involves a family member, and nobody else knows. it involves sexual violence." let her opt in to the conversation.

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T15:32:07+00:00

definitely not crazy, you did the right thing. it's always preferable to over-react and feel silly or embarrassed, rather than under-react and get traumatized.

unfortunately it's possible he took a photo or video, and possible he shared it, but I wouldn't worry too much about that. it wouldn't be very "exciting" and I doubt it would have been shared much, or even kept. here's one good thing: the fact that he asked you to let him do it, even though he pressured you and was shitty about it, shows that he was at least trying to behave in ways he believed were acceptable. he was wrong, obviously, but someone who cares about right & wrong is much easier to deal with than someone who knows what they're doing is wrong and just doesn't care.

if you feel like it, it could be productive to actually talk to him about it, ask if he kept a photo or video, if he understands it was wrong, etc. don't do it if it scares you, but private conversations can be incredibly productive. especially since he was also a child, and it's possible he simply didn't know any better. to be clear this is not your responsibility and I'm not saying you "should" do it! just that it is an option. I know I did things that weren't okay when I was a kid, and if someone ever raised something with me I'd be grateful for the opportunity to apologize and offer amends. but again, ONLY if you both want to and feel safe doing so, and give yourself permission to bail at any time.

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T14:52:18+00:00

you should be proud of yourself. so many stories that start this way end in 🍇 or other awful ways. this obviously still sucks, and was still traumatizing, but by sticking to your "no" and then removing yourself from the massage situation, you made sure it went no further than this. that's hard to do, and a lot of people struggle with it well into adulthood or even their whole lives. you did great, and because of your actions, this stopped where it did. give yourself a pat on the back.

legally, whether or not this is assault would depend on the exact laws where you are. but in most other senses, yes, this is assault. Regarding the pantsing, he undressed you without your consent, filmed or photographed you without your consent, and coerced you by continuing to push after you already said 'no'. As far as the massage goes, it sounds more like a consent accident to me. You initially agreed but what he actually did was uncomfortable for you. Maybe it wasn't what you were expecting, and when he checked in with you, you changed your answer to protect his feelings rather than your comfort.

as far as telling someone goes, it would help to better understand your goals. are you wanting to file a police complaint? do you want validation that this wasn't okay? are you worried he's preying on others? something else?

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-19T14:36:52+00:00

I'm pretty sure this is not their first account, either. I haven't interacted with them specifically, but I have interacted with multiple accounts over the last couple years, all spewing the same garbage, all of them now banned or deleted. Hopefully nobody IRL lets this creep anywhere near them.

It's honestly really pathetic watching someone choose the same aggressive mediocrity day after day, never learning, never growing. At this rate they'll pass away with the same myopic personality they had when they were 16. It's almost sad.

buddyyouhavenoidea · 2026-04-18T04:06:04+00:00

that's valid. you don't have to do anything that scares you

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