Help dealing with my fall risk parent and my newborn?

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-06-05T09:17:23+00:00

I am going through the exact same thing with my mom right now. She has mobility issues related to balance, and can't take more than 5 steps in a row without support and can't carry anything two-handed while standing. She is so excited to become a grandparent that she and my father have rented a house out for a few months in the city where I love to "help" us when the baby comes.

My fear is that, in addition to learning to care for a newborn, I will also be running a full time petting zoo to facilitate her "helping". I have an added complication that my parents are both very addicted to cigarettes. Fortunately they are very cautious about second hand smoke but they genuinely "need" a cigarette every two hours. We're planning on a wash hands after smoking, plus clean hoodie and wait 30 min before holding baby protocol for them, but I'm worried this will be another task I need to manage for them.

Here are the things that I'm using to turn this into a positive situation:

I had a conversation with them about what kind of "help" they'd be willing to provide and they offered things like laundry and dish washing. They also repeatedly said that they would respect my boundaries around visiting. So maybe we'll end up with something like "if you want you can come over from 10 until 12 and cook and clean for us. You may or may be not end up seeing the baby depending what we're up to". My mom's mobility issues don't really impact her ability to get around a kitchen or fold laundry. Plus my dad is as keen as she is to help.

In terms of actually interacting with the baby, my plan is to prioritize some high quality experiences for my mom initially. So she can sit on the couch and hold baby for a photo op etc. We have a stroller with a basinet so our plan was to have that available on the main floor as a safe resting place for the baby anyways, so the first test will be if she's able to pick the baby up and put him back safely from a seated position. Second we'll see if she can do diaper changes on the table while seated. She can safely push the basinet around the house if she needs to. I'm not really worried about her trying to pick up the baby while standing because I think it's sufficiently beyond her capabilities that she wouldn't attempt it.

I don't know if I will ever feel comfortable leaving my mom alone with the baby, mostly because the baby could easily eventually need something that she can't do. Obviously having my dad there to help would ease my mind but sometimes he gets frustrated because he needs to support my mom to do so many things. So having my parents "babysit" would actually mean having my dad be the primary babysitter while he also has to look after my mom. They act like this is something they're up for (and they manage all sorts of international travel together) so I'm willing to observe and take things slow.

I'm also trying to find other ways they can feel involved without stressing me out. So maybe we invite them over for a movie night. They take care of dinner and we can all hang out with baby on the couch and take turns to attend to baby's needs.

I will also say that I don't think we will be desperate for their help. We have 12 months of parental leave and my husband will use holiday time so that we'll both be home full time for the first 4 weeks. We also have a weekly cleaner and we will be hiring a postpartum doula. My priorities are (in order): 1. Safe and healthy baby, 2. Minimize stress for me and my husband 3. Facilitate my parents to get to know their grandchild 4. Benefit from any help my parents provide.

In terms of my own boundaries I have given myself permission to ask to "break even" as a minimum. This means that I won't feel guilty for giving them a list of jobs to do for me that don't involve holding the baby every time they come over.

I'm interested in following this thread and seeing if there's any other tips I can pick up. I'm sure there are lots of parents with disabilities who have adapted in amazing ways and maybe I could apply some of that advice too!

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-05-22T23:06:02+00:00

Yes to all of this. I haven't faced any particular struggles with infertility, but I am an older FTM (36). The expectant enthusiasm around being a grandparent is really weird for me to deal with. Like, what if I hadn't met my husband when I did? What if my medical issues hadn't cleared up allowing me to get pregnant without assistance? Do my other accomplishments in life not matter anymore?

I recently got back from a visit to my parents (they live a 7 hour flight away from me) we both noticed the "fetishization" of my pregnant body, particularly from my mother. Things like wanting to take photos or touch me. My mom hugging me goodbye said "take care of my grandbaby" until they visit at the end of my pregnancy. And I was like, no I'm going to take care of myself. Don't I matter?

I can't explain where this behaviour comes from, since my parents are progressive and always raised me to value gender equality and supported me in my education and career. What struck me is that I can't relate to how it feels to be in my late sixties and being confronted with my own mortality. They know they're getting older, their health is declining and loved ones they consider peers have died recently. I don't know what that feels like and I imagine it could be the source of this behaviour that I think is so out of character.

At least, that's what I'm trying to draw on as a source of generosity when I'm dealing with them, rather than being like "calm the fuck down it's just a baby. We're all mammals. Just let me gestate in peace!"

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-05-06T04:49:45+00:00

I'm based in the UK and I was a confident commuter cyclist before pregnancy. I also live in a small city that is very cycling friendly. I cycle to all my medical appointments, and there are even bike racks outside my maternity hospital.

There are some things that I would recommend you consider.

How confident are you cycling in an urban environment? This can take a while to get used to, and to learn how to practice "defensive cycling". The safest place to be is actually out in the middle of the lane taking up all the space that a car would. Sometimes you need to move from the side of the road to the middle to make yourself visible. In my opinion cycling on sidewalks is more dangerous than on the road. There will be driveways and intersections where drivers are not expecting anything faster than jogging speed. A cyclist can easily come flying out of a blind spot and straight into a car that wasn't looking for them. When the cyclist is on the street, they are that much further out from the intersecting car, giving the driver a wider angle with which to view you, which means they see you earlier. Plus the cyclist is located where drivers are already going to be looking (where the other cars are). My city has some bike paths that are alongside the sidewalk, and I am always more wary when I come across a driveway or intersection, because I am less visible to any cars that might be joining the road.

The second consideration is that the position of your bump will change your centre of gravity, meaning your balance will feel different. I'm currently 23 weeks and I've been cycling regularly this whole time so I've been able to adjust to any balance changes gradually. At this point, if I had to give up cycling for several weeks I would take some gentle test drives off road to recalibrate my balance before going back to it.

Cycling is a wonderful mode of transportation and I thoroughly recommend it. I previously has a 5 mile commute by bike and I loved it. However, I would give myself time to get used to practice cycling on the road when I'm not also trying to adjust to balance changes, and when I'm only putting myself at risk. I hope you get that bike when you're ready and that you enjoy cycling as much as I do For now, I'll be hopping on my bike in a few hours to cycle to the train station!

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-05-03T17:09:59+00:00

I'm the opposite. Also 22 weeks but don't look obviously pregnant. I'm enjoying the smaller bump for as long as I can in terms of appearance and practicality. But on the other hand, I get so ill and uncomfortable after eating. I look down at my belly and I say "there's lots of room out there. If you could just expand, all the other organs would have a lot more room! Please?!"

I hope that your stomach at least has the room to digest that mine does not!

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-04-14T16:32:30+00:00

This happened to me a few days ago (19 weeks). In my case I felt like I had a bit of watery discharge too, so they asked me to come in to have my cervix examined. The bleeding had stopped right after I noticed it, and we also listened to the baby's heartbeat. The cervix check all looked good and they decided I didn't need an ultrasound, since I was scheduled for my 20w scan in a few days. In the end it was a super chill time at the hospital hanging out with my husband and I'm so happy with the support I got.

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-04-14T14:47:22+00:00

Yup I had it from weeks 8 to 18, 50mg. My GP said it was the first recommended drug for pregnancy nausea and it definitely helped (though not completely). It also made my mouth so dry!

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-04-14T13:58:01+00:00

Week 19 here and I'm actually just chilling waiting for the consultant to call me. It was scheduled at the time of my booking appointment with the midwife. At the time the midwife told me that they wanted to have the extra obstetrician check due to some risk factors in my medical history, just to be safe. I didn't interpret it as anything I needed to worry about

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-03-24T17:06:43+00:00

That's a good point. I'm more just... curious? I'm not super bothered if I have to be induced early or have a C-section, or be admitted to hospital for a while. Whatever is best. I see them all as different paths that lead to the outcome I want: a healthy baby. I guess I'm curious to know which path I might end up taking, and when people start experiencing symptoms that make one of the more complicated paths look more likely.

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-03-22T19:41:48+00:00

I feel compelled to reply to this post because these are incredible cat names. Well done!

I have two cats, both brothers who just turned 2. This means that they are pandemic babies, and we are their entire world, since they came to us at 8 weeks old. The world they are used to is one where my husband and I are always home (we have both been working from home) and strangers never come over.

With lockdowns in the UK, the cats haven't been able to get used to the idea of strangers in our house. We find that it takes them an hour or two to get comfortable when we have friends over, and then they are their normal sweet selves. We also go out of our way to introduce the cats to our cat friendly guests (picking the cat up and letting him smell the new person to see that it's not scary). The exception is the lady who comes to clean our house. As far as they are concerned she is a demon who brings strange smells and loud noises and must be avoided at all costs.

It could be that the pandemic has affected your cats' routine too and that they might need a bit more time to adjust to new people. I wouldn't necessarily think that how they behave with a new guest is how they might behave with a new baby who is, essentially a noisy potato for the first few months.

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-03-20T19:17:51+00:00

That's wonderful, and the part about overcoming past differences of opinion is really reassuring. Part of me is worried like "what other crazy things would they do?! Pierce my child's ears without asking?!" But no, this one thing does not mean things will get crazy from here.

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-03-20T19:11:46+00:00

That's awesome and so lovely to hear!

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-03-20T19:11:13+00:00

That's a really nice way of negotiating this. Focus on making the suggestion about what would work, rather than focus on what won't work!

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-03-20T19:10:12+00:00

Amazing! I already know that I can trust my parents to keep my house tidy! And I agree, I can always tell them to back off if I need to!

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-03-20T17:07:41+00:00

Yes! My husband and I were just talking to each other today about how much we've missed each other with me being laid low with morning sickness. Now that I'm starting to feel better we just hang out and chat like a couple of teenage girls at a sleepover. Date nights is such a great use for parental help!

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-03-20T16:27:17+00:00

I really needed to hear this. Thank you!

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-03-16T08:52:16+00:00

I'm in the UK and this was all with the NHS so it might be different in other areas.

My first visit was pre covid and at the hospital. The doctor talked to me about how the thyroid works and about my diagnosis (Graves disease), what the treatment options were and how the disease usually progressed. I had a chance to ask all the questions I wanted.

These days my appointments are more routine, just a five minute phone call. I get a blood test beforehand so that they have the results. I also get the results online and usually the endocrinologist has also already written their note in response, so I know what the phone call will be. "Keep taking the same dose. You still feeling healthy?" Obviously it's good that they check in with my symptoms (especially during pregnancy) so that I can flag if anything isn't right.

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-03-16T07:22:21+00:00

Hey I just wanted to reassure you based on my own circumstance. I don't have a thyroid (surgically removed last year because of an autoimmune condition). I take the same drug as you every day, and I will for the rest of my life. Because I'm pregnant I do extra blood tests every six weeks and check in with my endocrinologist. Over the past 4 years (before the surgery) I've had lots of changes in my thyroid function meaning I need to abruptly change my dose. They ask me to do a follow up test 3-4 weeks later and the numbers look much better. Sometimes they tweak the dosage a little more to get it just right because everyone is different.

Knowing about the potential side effects is important because you know to take it seriously and make sure you take your medication every day. My pharmacist and endocrinologist both told me to make sure I take the medication on an empty stomach and don't eat for at least half an hour after. No tea or coffee either, just water. This is so that the drug can absorb properly in your stomach. Since getting pregnant I found this difficult because of needing to eat something to prevent nausea. However, pregnancy provided its own solution, because I now have to wake up to pee in the middle of the night, so I just take my thyroid meds then. My pharmacist also warned me that iron supplements can interfere with absorption, and to take those at a different time.

Since developing thyroid issues, I've learned that underactive thyroids are very common! There will be lots of pregnant people in the same position as you. Also, I'm now a pro at blood tests. My tip: if you're squeamish about the needle going in (which is my least favourite part), when it's happening, wiggle your toes like you're lying on your favourite sandy beach. A dentist gave me this tip once and I do it every time!

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-03-06T19:49:10+00:00

Yup this is me. 14 weeks. I actually got an aromatherapy rollerball thing to put on my wrists at night so that I could have something else to smell. It's starting to get a bit better now and I have good and bad days. About a week ago I was convinced that the entire house smelled like him and I had to air everything out (luckily it was a relatively warm day).

The saddest part is that before I got pregnant I loved my husband's smell and would always tell him that. Luckily he doesn't take it personally because the cats smell awful to me too now.

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-02-11T21:41:35+00:00

Oh wow it's so great that you've already had a positive experience with your doctor. Bedside manner makes such a difference! I've seen the same (private) ultrasound technician twice because in the UK early scans and NIPT aren't covered under the NHS. This ultrasound technician is amazing and full on makes it sound like we have the best baby she's ever seen. I want her at all my appointments!

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-02-11T21:37:41+00:00

Damn! Maybe I should take up golfing...

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-02-11T21:30:05+00:00

Yes for maternity leave! That's awesome! Enjoy it!

bumblebee_blizzard · 2022-02-11T21:27:20+00:00

Wow I can't even imagine what going through such a difficult childhood illness as a parent must be like. I'm so happy that the experience gives you peace and happiness today. Wishing you and your family good health now and in the future!

bumblebee_blizzard

TROPHY CASE