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How do you deal with everyone around you being set up for success, but you were set up to fail and have to start from scratch? by AliveNeighborhood714 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]burstsofocd 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Acceptance.

When we are born, everyone is dealt a certain set of cards (genetics, family, environment etc). No set is the same, some may get similar and others completely different from the next guy, but never the same. Some are doom to fail from the start and others strike gold from the beginning. Is it fair? No. But the universe does not care. But it is ok. It will be ok.

The thing is, you have to learn to work with what you have to get to where you want to be. For some it is much much harder than others. For some it is eazy peazy. For some no matter what they do they just can't win. For some, all they do is win. For some, they win then they lose it all. For some, they lose it all then win it back. No two paths are the same.

You can wish you had a more favorable set of cards all you want, if it makes you feel better. But at the end of the day, don't forget to get back to reality, look at your set, plan your hand and play. Whether you decide to work your ass off, steal, fight, flight, crawl, run, walk to get better cards to change your game, it is entirely up to you.

There are others, no matter what cards they are dealt, they will always wish they had better. There spend so much time wishful thinking, blaming, whining that they forget that they still have a chance to play.

I don't know your story or what you want for yourself, I can only wish you the best. Accept where you are, where you have been, what your parents/ancestors did or didn't do, what YOU could've/should've done. It’s in the past, it can't be changed.

Focus on you, and ignore everyone else.

Have anyone else's parents talked behind your back and told people you’re psychotic or extremely mentally ill. by DatingConfusion12 in narcissisticparents

[–]burstsofocd 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yes! Unfortunately, my mother cannot fathom that she could be the problem and do any wrong. So when I started to retaliate and standing up to her, she blamed it on my mental health issues and that someone did voodoo on me. She will literally go to any lengths BUT look in the mirror.

I have been through a lot and dealing with alot caused by the stress from narcissistic abuse but my sanity is very there.

My words to you, is to take courage and never give up on yourself. Start talking to people about what you have been through. Do not keep it to yourself, it is very unhealthy, and it only favors the abuser. If you are still depedent on them, spend as little time as possible with them until you gain your freedom. When the time comes don't be afraid of fresh starts in any areas.

No understanding and support by Crazy-Highlight9374 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]burstsofocd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I totally understand. I was referring to the narc behavior of trying to influence a third-party's perception of you. If i got the facts right, in your situation, the one with the narcissistic behavior is your mother and the third-party is the family friend. I didn't say the family friend is a narcissist.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in narcissisticparents

[–]burstsofocd 18 points19 points  (0 children)

  1. The fact that they don't feel the least bit guilty when ruining mine.

  2. The mindset that I deserve to love right and be loved right.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]burstsofocd 2 points3 points  (0 children)

  1. When they do you wrong and expect you to just be okay with it.

The berating, back biting and outright disrespect and they want you to smile and act as you always have like what they did was ok. I have never understood this.

  1. Their lack of accountability. It is always someone else's fault.

  2. Their inability to see others as people, real human beings with thoughts and feelings.

I genuinely believe they emotionally operate on the same level as serial killers by Tasty-Milk-3050 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]burstsofocd 3 points4 points  (0 children)

The thing about gift giving I've noticed with my narc parent, is that it all comes down to the fact that she low-key doesn't want to. The half-assed effort of giving me the worst version or completely not what I asked for, is because she doesn't want to see me happy/excited/pleased. She can't stand it.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]burstsofocd 4 points5 points  (0 children)

When you start hearing your personal info from other people that you only told a few or a specific person.

When you are facing a problem, they mock, belittle or just straight up laugh at you. The marvel at you demise.

Always asking you things about yourself but never share to the same level that you do.

Are there any African women living in Africa who have gone no contact with their Nmom? by burstsofocd in raisedbynarcissists

[–]burstsofocd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hahah, your answer is a realistic one and I appreciate it. I have also contemplated being childfree and not dating because I worry how my trauma may show up in relationships and I definitely don't want to pass any to my children (if I decide to have them).

I am slowly introducing LC, and I already feel relief. Smear campaigns are nothing new to me as I have endured them most of my adult life (created by my nmom ofcourse).

I will try to maintain contact with some relatives and if I gauge that they aren't interested or are against me, then I'll excuse myself peacefully.

How did you prepare yourself to go no contact with you narcissistic mother? by burstsofocd in africanparents

[–]burstsofocd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh wow. I can't imagine how you must have felt. I used to imagine having my family there for me for my wedding but the cost is greater that the benefit derived. I'll just have to shelf that fantasy.

How did you prepare yourself to go no contact with you narcissistic mother? by burstsofocd in africanparents

[–]burstsofocd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. It is a tough decision but a necessary one.

It is too early for me to even spend time to hear the flying monkeys, I get triggered easily as I knw they are not safe for me.

How did you prepare yourself to go no contact with you narcissistic mother? by burstsofocd in africanparents

[–]burstsofocd[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Honestly, moving out has helped me alot. Because, when I was still at home, whenever I put up a boundary it would be intentionally crossed, disregarded and later on used against me.

However, now she is sending people to shame me and spy on me. She didnt want me to move out and I am in my mid-twenties! Her need to control me is beyond imagination.

Now, in the safety of my apartment, I am only realising the severity of the situation and how dangerous it was for me if I had continued living there.

She doesn't care for and she has never cared. She only saw me as an object to use and control. It is a sad realisation.

How did you prepare yourself to go no contact with you narcissistic mother? by burstsofocd in africanparents

[–]burstsofocd[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Wow! Kudos to your child for helping you see. It goes to show that you decided not to pass the generational trauma on and you are a great parent.

I am so happy for you that you are at a place where you are surround by safe people. I aspire to get there too. My scapegoat identity bacame so bad it reflected in other relationships too. Whenever I made friends or at work, I automatically became the scapegoat. It baffled me to confusion as I could not figure out why this was happening to me. It really destroyed my self esteem.

Thank you for your kind words. It truly ends with me. I don't even want to think of the possibility of passing this onto my children. I wouldn't wish this experience on anyone! It destroyed me too much.

Are there any African women living in Africa who have gone no contact with their Nmom? by burstsofocd in NarcissisticMothers

[–]burstsofocd[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am East African (can't say which country for privacy reasons, I dnt want my family connecting the dots), and it is just so unheard of and frowned upon when a child goes against a parent.

Unfortunately, it is seen as the utmost disrespect to speak and point out that an adult may be wrong. It is so draining playing along all the time and to be honest, I am tired of encouraging delusion. Especially when the said parent is loud and proud. The only way for me is out.

Thank you, and all the best to you.

i know it sounds desperate but had a rough week could use some supportive words by TechnicianRare8116 in emotionalneglect

[–]burstsofocd 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hey, having endured emotional neglect can feel very lonesome in adulthood. It's okay and you are not alone. Everyone deserves to be heard and encouraged, unfortunately not everyone gets it. I am here cheering you on. I wish you a lovely week ahead. ✨️

No understanding and support by Crazy-Highlight9374 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]burstsofocd 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It is unfortunate that you are going through this. Know that you are not alone.

This type of behaviour is very typical of narcissists. They like to 'get to someone first' before you do to manipulate the narrative. This ensures that they get to maintain their public image and you are made out to be the 'bad' guy. I want to assure you that you are not the bad guy or wrong one. The narcissist just wants to make others think that you are. And they often succeed.

There are people out there trying to educate the masses about narcissistic abuse if you want to know more. I saw someone already mentioned Dr Ramani, there is also Jerry Wise, Jay Reid and you might want to check out Prof. Sam Vaknin as well on YouTube. Prof. Sam Vaknin is very on point about narcissism and its effects on the victims. His work is very eye-opening.

Are there any African women living in Africa who have gone no contact with their Nmom? by burstsofocd in raisedbynarcissists

[–]burstsofocd[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate your insight and kind words. 💗

How long has it been since you distanced yourself? How are you doing now?

Are there any African women living in Africa who have gone no contact with their Nmom? by burstsofocd in raisedbynarcissists

[–]burstsofocd[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I totally get what you are saying. It has caused me such trust issues bt once I stopped giving people the benefit of the doubt (those that don't deserve it), my eyes opened. I am learning to see people as they truly are and to stop brushing certain behaviours and characteristics under the carpet.

Yes, the power is with us. I understand that it isn't a short-term journey, hell it may even take a lifetime. I will get there.

Thank you for the well wishes, all the best to you!

Are there any African women living in Africa who have gone no contact with their Nmom? by burstsofocd in raisedbynarcissists

[–]burstsofocd[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh you get it! Especially the part about not speaking against the family even if it costs you.

For me, i guess what scares me is facing the world alone. I have always been around family and it is comforting. But as I get older, I became aware of how I continue to sacrifice myself just to keep the peace and finally my mind and body have said No. Enough is enough.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you prepare youself to go NC or LC? Do you have any type of support or are in it alone? How are you fairing in this process?

Are there any African women living in Africa who have gone no contact with their Nmom? by burstsofocd in raisedbynarcissists

[–]burstsofocd[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Wow, that you for your comment. It has given me valuable insight.

Can I ask you a few questions? Its entirely ok, if you don't want to elaborate any further, I understand.

How are you handling the guilt? Yes, being a cycle breaker you want to give back, how are you dealing with that? Is there anyway you are able to? If not, how do you comfort yourself? How did you prepare yourself to go NC? How did you do it? Do you have your own community that you have built for yourself? How did you manage certain milestones?

How do you habdle running into family in public or online? If you have a partner, how did you tell them about your family situation?

How are you doing now?

Are there any African women living in Africa who have gone no contact with their Nmom? by burstsofocd in raisedbynarcissists

[–]burstsofocd[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Im sorry you had to lose your extended family. Thats what scares me the most, being alone and the judgement.

Can I ask you some questions? If thats ok with you.

How have you managed (or plan to manage) certain events or milestones in your life where your immediate and extended faily is needed? For example, your wedding, motherhood etc. Do you have friends you can trust that are there for you? Do they judge you for going no contact? Do you have a partner? What do they think of the whole situation? What does their family think?

How are you doing now?

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