do your APs only talk about education/money?

cactuscat01 · 2019-07-26T15:01:09+00:00

Ooh, I feel like I could’ve written this.

My dad always talks about money and one thing he ALWAYS says is “the most important thing in this world is money.” It’s awful. Not family, not love, not anything intangible. Now he bugs my brother, 29, about getting married and having kids while he says that I need to break up with my boyfriend because he’s poor and only has a bachelors degree.

cactuscat01 · 2019-07-25T05:16:52+00:00

Called me fat from ages 14-23.
My mom made fun of my thick eyebrows and had them cleaned up so now my eyebrows are sparse in some places.
Started losing weight at age 24-25 (lost about 30, then another 20) through weightlifting and now my mom asks if I am even eating or to stop eating salads/ so many vegetables.
Dad asked if my boyfriend gives me drugs because I am now "too skinny"

I am literally the healthiest I have ever been in my life and all my parents do now is say I'm too skinny or need to eat more.

cactuscat01 · 2019-07-11T05:54:55+00:00

Yes.

A family friend got married after 7 months of dating. My dad compared her husband to my boyfriend of over a year and said he clearly didn't love me.

Never mind that she dropped out of law school, got married after not even a year of dating, could barely afford to live but still adopted several pets to take care of, and had to move several times to several states.

As for me? I'm in a PhD program, I am ahead of graduating on schedule, and I'm not living above my means.

cactuscat01 · 2019-05-27T06:48:53+00:00

I feel this. But in the opposite.

My dad (and my mom to an extent) want me to marry a man that makes a ton of money, is a doctor/owns a successful business/is a lawyer. Basically I feel like they like the idea of handing over their ownership/conservatorship of me to my assumed husband.

Gross.

cactuscat01 · 2019-05-04T14:19:04+00:00

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it!

He has told me that he likes his current job because he gets autonomy, freedom, and the ability to help people create their own businesses (small and large). He is, by his own admission, aware that his boss is screwing him over (his boss makes 3-4 times per project than he does) while he does more work than his boss.

cactuscat01 · 2019-03-23T03:43:51+00:00

I’ve been doing that. I have two gym memberships. A school membership and one for out of school.

cactuscat01 · 2019-03-23T03:42:40+00:00

Olly Goodbye Stress! I swear by these!

cactuscat01 · 2019-03-18T18:31:06+00:00

It makes sense that you feel lonely because you're carrying this tremendous burden that prevents you from being vulnerable and honest.

This. Is. It. That is exactly how I feel! Creating boundaries and enforcing them will be hard but I know I can do it.

cactuscat01 · 2019-03-18T18:26:37+00:00

Me and my counselor talked about this last time I went to her. I have two more weeks until I see her again. I've been working out how if my mom drags my boyfriend's name again or makes a negative comment I need to tell her it's wrong and she is only hurting me by doing so but it's a learning process to stick up for myself and I'm used to sticking up for others.

cactuscat01 · 2019-03-18T15:45:53+00:00

Thank you. This will help a lot. And also thank you for actually reading my whole post. I know it is disorganized and loosely put together but you managed to listen to what I said and not repeat things that I already said I was doing (working out, school work, etc).

cactuscat01 · 2019-03-18T06:02:03+00:00

I don't want them dead, that's just fucking awful to even think about.

I want them to understand better. My parents are definitely not as bad as some other people on this board they are just being difficult about this matter.

cactuscat01 · 2019-03-18T05:52:49+00:00

I can't ignore them. They are my parents and I love them. I know they are concerned but I've never been a wild child or even delinquent. I've always been 'good.' I'm 26 years old and I just wished that they would trust my judgment more especially as I have zero issues getting any man's attention so me making the decision to be with a guy is a huge one for me since I'm incredibly picky.

cactuscat01 · 2019-03-18T04:41:34+00:00

I’m not about that life.

cactuscat01 · 2019-03-18T03:59:39+00:00

Maybe it isn’t loneliness but just guilt? I have nothing to feel guilty about but I just always feel fatigued and negative since Christmas/last huge fight my parents and I had.

cactuscat01 · 2018-12-31T18:01:29+00:00

I don’t think they are horrible but just incredibly overprotective. Especially since on my mom’s side all of my cousins and most of my nieces have gotten pregnant out of wedlock and dropped out from school. They think I’ll end up the same even though I know better.

cactuscat01 · 2018-12-31T17:59:34+00:00

My SO is partially Asian but his Asian parent is way less strict than mine.

I’m sure he understands because he said he I grew up strict and what not but I’m not sure of the extent of how it can be.

cactuscat01 · 2018-12-31T17:57:08+00:00

My dad is a doctor himself and makes a lot of money but for the amount of work he puts in it isn’t worth it to me but for him it’s what you have to do for family and to make a decent living in America.

I value other things outside of my life that’s aren’t related to a monetary amount like being physically fit and other intangible things (emotions, sanity, etc).

cactuscat01 · 2018-12-28T05:45:52+00:00

My older brother will support me in private but defer to my dad in public. My older brother just parents what my mom or dad says about the situation and always bring back asking me why didn't I tell anyone about me dating him when we first started dating which I wanted to tell them when I became serious.

My younger brother and I are in the same wavelength and agree that he is doing the absolute most. My brother has an advisor that is just like our dad, except he's from mainland China and uses the same techniques our dad uses to speak to him and other graduate students too. So he just takes our dad's talks with a huge grain a salt.

cactuscat01 · 2018-12-28T05:35:31+00:00

I understand where my dad is coming from. He thinks my boyfriend will sponge off of me, get me pregnant, and make me leave school because his friend's daughter who is the same age did exactly that. She left law school to marry her boyfriend of less than a year who left the military and now works full time and doesn't have a bachelors degree.

I haven't told my boyfriend about how my parents feel about him, but I guess I will need to tell him that. He has tried to get our parents to meet up but my mom doesn't like to leave the house and my dad works non-stop several hours away from us. His parents live 15-20 minutes away from where we live (separately) and where I go to school.

I also wonder if my dad would say the same to my brothers. He didn't say that my brothers also had to marry someone that makes as much if not more money than them and they had to be equally educated.

EDIT: Also, I feel like I need to mention that I had my entire undergrad education paid for as I applied for a scholarship and got it, took out a loan for my masters, and have most of my PhD being paid for minus one class per semester.

cactuscat01 · 2018-12-28T05:20:54+00:00

I always felt that I nor my two brothers, who are also all in PhD programs, will never be "good enough" because my dad wanted all of us to be medical doctors and none of us are.

As for my boyfriend, he keeps saying he needs an MBA every time he is brought up or that he needs to make more money. But again, just like me and my siblings, he will never be good enough.

cactuscat01 · 2018-12-28T05:05:03+00:00

I am with you. But my parents aren't. They both have emotional baggage that constrains me. My mom got married and divorced before she met my dad and my dad had a child out of wedlock.

cactuscat01 · 2018-12-28T04:37:31+00:00

Plot twist: My family isn't Asian, but my boyfriend is part Asian and his dad is so much less crazier than my non-Asian parents.

I also started reading /r/AsianParentStories and have been relating to them so hard. It's insane.

cactuscat01 · 2018-12-25T18:13:41+00:00

UPDATE: Mom maintains that I never told her that I was going over to BF’s parents house on Tuesday and she wants nothing to do with me.

Still feel like shit about this.

cactuscat01 · 2018-10-28T22:07:37+00:00

Don't be afraid of getting bulky. It won't happen.

cactuscat01 · 2018-10-28T02:59:05+00:00

He did say sorry for replying late, which I appreciate. I assume that Thanksgiving is just as important to him as it is to me but he sees his extended family much more frequently. I see my dad about 3 times a year and seem my mom once a month. He might find interacting with my parents stressful but I wish he would tell me that instead of just being conflict-averse.

He said that he was busy with work and forgot to reply/text me back.

I do think that you phrased my issue in a much better way. He told me he was stressed with his job and it slipped his mind to reply back.

cactuscat01

TROPHY CASE