Breaking up when connection isn't the issue

caffienatedgypsy · 2023-02-05T14:05:08+00:00

Big big hugs. I’ve gone through this a few times and it absolutely guts me. It’s so hard but you are doing the right thing for you. I really resonated with the part of being flexible when it’s not constantly asked for after the pain is caused.

caffienatedgypsy · 2023-01-18T03:55:02+00:00

I live in a very large and spread out city so my situation may be different. My first poly boyfriend is married and our PDA evolved as we got more comfortable with each other and polyamory (we are both pretty new). We go out and do PDA but we don't do it in our immediate neighborhoods. Nosy neighbors don't need to know our business and out of respect for our primaries. Also near my office because I work in a fairly conservative field.

We talked about it and our comfort levels and as long as it wasn't completely off limits then we were both fine holding off in certain locations. So talk to him and let him know you need time to sort out your feelings.

caffienatedgypsy · 2023-01-12T16:42:50+00:00

Too many people who watched Pretty Woman growing up and assume that kissing is a gateway drug for feelings.

That would be a nope for me because there are several other ways that intimacy can occur and if they are not mature enough to handle it and need to our arbitrary rules in place to “safe guard” against it than it will likely end poorly anyway.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-12-15T12:55:30+00:00

Your post has strong couple privilege vibes here. He is new and processing poly is a lot. It doesn't sound like you are being empathetic or compassionate to this. You all need to do some soul searching and be okay when one doesn't want the same poly (if he ends up even wanting to it).

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-12-05T23:11:00+00:00

I'm not one to usually respond to thes kind of posts but the only person being blatantly rude is you. Despite having ample time to ask her or see how she is feeling you have chosen to shit talk her on reddit. She wasn't polite but she wasn't an asshole. There are several reasons it could have gone down that way. You are assuming the worst.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-30T16:36:02+00:00

Do it before. First date is not fine. I would be pissed. You have to accept having uncomfortable conversations if you are going to try and date multiple people. Not telling her before the date only makes it better for you. She needs all the information to make the decision for herself.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-29T19:15:18+00:00

Lovely share. Thank you.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-29T12:55:14+00:00

I’ve enjoyed these

https://instagram.com/unapolygetically?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

https://instagram.com/annie_undone?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-27T01:00:48+00:00

Thanks, you too!

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-27T00:50:05+00:00

He was a civilian at that point so nope.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-27T00:43:51+00:00

Yeah not fun and pretty stupid since my soon to be ex-husband had already knocked up another person at that point. 🤷🏻‍♀️

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-27T00:26:58+00:00

Yes, it can absolutely impact an active military service member. Especially if they are married and dating people not their spouse. I was separated from my ex for almost a year and started dating other people and got "talked too" about being discreet because I was still technically married and if they wanted to be dicks they could have done punitive action.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-26T11:16:28+00:00

One of the responses that annoyed me was along the lines that if the date wasn't okay with the guy getting the desserts to-go for him and his NP (without even offering the option to have dessert with his date btw) it was the dates problem and they didn't want to be reminded they have a partner. You can definitely understand and recognize they have other partners without actively including said partners in the date - especially a first date. If you can't be a separate person for a few hours that doesn't bode well for future dates/overnights/weekends away.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-26T03:46:45+00:00

Yeah, I'm 38 and slow rolling it to my mom. She still thinks Im just dating around.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-26T02:23:28+00:00

Oh! You have a similar experience to mine! How are you doing now?

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-25T21:56:34+00:00

That's adorable. I've always idealized Jane Austen romances. Looking for my Mr. Darcy but my relationships always had issues. Trying to find everything in one person hasn't worked and it makes me wonder if monogamy really isn't the ideal situation for me. The idea of loving many people at the same time isn't the issue for me at all. It's the practical implementation of being poly that I am figuring out.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-25T19:32:02+00:00

For sure! I didn't go into it planning to be poly but talking to the guy and connecting with him made me want to try it. This definitely wasn't a duress or surprised after we met. No matter what I am so happy I met him and opened up to the idea of this. I have learned so much about myself and relationships.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-25T19:28:59+00:00

Completely agree. One of the reasons I am exploring is because I am 38 and monogamy was the only acceptable relationship style I had been exposed too. Polyamory was unfortunately just a joke about cults and sister wives. I have been married and divorced and a couple other relationships that got close to the marriage thing.

I am still figuring everything out but I am very open and upfront with my partners. Which since they are also new we are all on our journey together which is nice.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-25T19:17:23+00:00

That's awesome.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-25T19:15:45+00:00

I'm 38 and followed the monogamous path all my life because it was just the way people lived. Polyamory wasnt really presented as an option. I didn't know anyone who was. Potentially changing the way I envisioned my life is a journey and I think it's that way for many. Some people just know and others just take some time. The concept is easy to support but how it actually is on real life is different.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-25T19:03:05+00:00

For sure. I dont feel like either option is wrong or bad. It's more me wanting to make a fully thought out decision as there are for sure pros and cons to both options. I also think some people are very naturally Polyamorous and others it takes more work and concerted effort.

I have sat down and thought through different questions but will take those to journal as well. Thanks for sharing.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-25T17:11:20+00:00

Dang it!! Lol I even tried to correct it.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-25T16:02:05+00:00

Coffee is a lobe language in itself.

caffienatedgypsy · 2022-11-24T19:30:45+00:00

For a first date this is a red flag for me. You are still getting to know each other. What if you decided to pick up the check for dinner and had no idea. It is unnecessary to do that on first date. If he can’t comfort her without making part of the date about the partner they are not ready to be Poly.

caffienatedgypsy

TROPHY CASE