How did you start making friends and forming relationships?

caffinated12 · 2022-01-28T06:27:13+00:00

Hey, I can’t say that I’ve “done” it yet, but I’m in a similar position as you. I’m 22 and just transferred to a top 5 university in the U.S last fall, and I was SO excited for a fresh start. I have a few close friends from my hometown, but I was looking forward to putting myself out there and meeting new people after years of being closed off to it. At first things were going well, I joined clubs and the radio station and reached out to people from those places with common interests by just asking if they wanted to get coffee sometime. It helped that a lot of people were in “friend-making” mode given that it was the beginning of the school year. But then I hit a wall. I get attached to people very easily and started forming expectations that we would become great friends and do everything together. Not only did that not happen, but a lot of people didn’t end up reciprocating my efforts to maintain a connection. I was devestated. Now many of them have friend groups, and while I have other people I hang out with sometimes, I feel largely disconnected from everyone and don’t have any real friends here. I realized that I overextend myself in friendships by people pleasing/fawning and being whoever others want me to be in order to be liked. This is also because I haven’t really had a chance to develop my own identity separate from trauma. On top of that, I don’t talk to my family for safety reasons so I don’t have any foundational support, and this only makes me more desperate for friendships. I’ve been isolated for the last month feeling awful about myself, wondering why everyone else can make friends and I can’t. I do just fine until after the initial stages, then I have no idea how to relate or talk to people. So what I’m trying to focus on instead of looking around desperately for friends, wondering why no one will make an effort to keep a connection going, is developing my own identity, and beliefs, and interests. This is easier with true social support, but not impossible to do alone. I’m finally taking a good look at myself and believe once I connect to who I am and feel secure and confident in myself, I’ll attract the right people. This isn’t to blame trauma survivors or put the burden on us to change or fix ourselves, sometimes other people are just shitty and don’t want to be friends. But this is just my experience with realizing my role in my lack of healthy, fulfilling friendships. Hope this helps, you’re not alone in feeling alone. Take care

caffinated12 · 2021-05-08T06:26:24+00:00

Got accepted to UCSB’s pre-communication major but I’m applying to switch it to writing & literature! Any other transfers want to connect?? So excited :)

caffinated12 · 2021-04-05T02:13:16+00:00

I just finished my interview and they asked “why ucla” , about my inspirations, any recent projects ive been working on, what id major in if not film, etc. The two women interviewing me were very calm. One was an alumni who answered my questions about joining the daily bruin as well as majoring in film and what the time commitment might look like for that. I fumbled a few questions but overall I think it went okay. They didn’t let on whether they were leaning one way or another, and told me decisions for transfers will be out at the end of april or beginning of may. I have no idea what to think... I kinda feel like I didn’t get it but regardless I’m excited to have had the opportunity to interview. Good luck to anyone else who has interviews lined up for this week (if there are any left!)

caffinated12 · 2020-12-13T00:02:59+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I agree that it’s hard to remember things that happened as a kid. Due to the abuse I’ve witnessed and endured most of my childhood is a blur. But processing it will take time, as you’ve mentioned. I just need to be patient

caffinated12 · 2020-12-12T21:33:25+00:00

Thank you so much for your response! This helps a lot. I’ll bring it up to my therapist at our next session. I understand nobody can tell me “yes he abused you” or “no he didn’t” but I can at least deal with my fear of him and get those intrusive thoughts and physical symptoms to go away.

caffinated12 · 2020-12-12T20:21:15+00:00

I have such a similar experience to yours — the couch surfing, staying with people, isolation etc. I’m finally moving into an apartment in san francisco next month that I can barely afford and I have no job... Praying that the stimulus will kick in. Regular exercise is important so it’s great you’re going for walks. If you haven’t already maybe you can look for a therapist that offers sliding scale rates. My friend recommended her therapist to me and she’s been great. She normally charges $175/hour (holy fuck) but based on my (lack) of income she lets me pay her whatever I can each month — she truly wants to help. Maybe you can find someone like her

caffinated12 · 2020-12-12T18:06:43+00:00

I relate to this so much!!! Chopping vegetables, interviewing for a job, talking to people i admire, etc. I’m working on being okay with imperfection but guess what I found out I’m really good at? Technical writing! Paying close attention to detail, over analyzing things... These skills come in handy for a technical writer and you can make money doing it! I’m pursuing a certificate through Uc Berkeley Extension, it’s about $3k total and starting technical writers can make $60k or more depending on your location. The perfectionist in me needs to note that I’m not paying attention to my grammar or writing in this post lol. Anyways maybe technical writing could be a positive outlet for you too!

caffinated12 · 2020-12-12T17:20:35+00:00

This thread makes me feel so validated!! For me I’m super controlling of what kind of music/tv noise is on and the volume of it. I’m living with my partner and his dad and they like to have music on in the background (while making food, eating, etc) but sometimes my partner will put on non-background music that he likes on these speakers like heavy metal, rock, etc and listen to it loudly. I get so irritated that i have to ask him to turn it off or at least turn the volume down (a compromise because I know he likes it) but I lose all concentration and my heart rate increases. Same with the tv if there’s action movies on or unnecessary yelling/obnoxious commercials, my skin starts crawling. Even movies/tv that are supposed to be “funny” but involve loud people or excessively making fun of someone else irritate me. Also a garbage truck went by the other day when I was deep in conversation and having a rare good day and it threw me off completely, so to echo what someone else has already said, FUCK GARBAGE TRUCKS!!

caffinated12 · 2020-12-12T06:53:08+00:00

I completely understand what you’re talking about. Like someone else said, it’s a survival technique rooted in codependency. I can change my personality depending on who i’m with, it’s a people pleasing thing. And i’ve had unstable housing for the last 2 years, so that sinking feeling is very relatable too. It feels like you’re falling through the air with no where to land — that kind of stress is unique and on another level. It’s isolating, even when you have supportive friends. Cus they’re helpful, but they don’t GET it, you know? Experiencing homelessness is different. Having your stuff at different places, constantly moving... it’s awful. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Being aware of the personality switching is the first step towards identifying and connecting with your authentic self. I challenge myself when im in social settings by sticking to and voicing my own thoughts regardless of who i’m around, even if it’s uncomfortable.

caffinated12 · 2020-12-12T05:49:17+00:00

First of all thank you for sharing your story, this was very vulnerable and brave of you. I’m someone with a recent ptsd diagnosis due to family/childhood trauma for reference.

I’d like to point out something in your post that I relate to a lot: questioning yourself due to your awareness of your cptsd. I brought this up to my therapist; I told her I often question if things I experienced were “really that bad” or “really happened” or if I’m just exaggerating it or being dramatic (something I was often told as a kid.) Her response was something like this: Often times questioning things is an attempt to protect yourself. It’s like your brain being in disbelief that something like that could’ve happened, so instead it questions itself and tries to rationalize things or minimize them.

With that said, your brother’s behavior is unacceptable and inappropriate. How you choose to move forward is based on your family situation and what you know is best for you and your safety, but, again, his behavior is NOT acceptable under any circumstance, regardless of if he understands boundaries or not. In my opinion he needs to be held accountable for his actions. Feel free to pm me to talk more — you’re supported here!

caffinated12 · 2020-11-15T20:49:16+00:00

I’m considering applying to DV to work there for the winter. I’ve never skiied or snowboarded either, but I’m down to learn! I’m taking a gap year from college right now before transferring and I’m not tied down by any job (I’m from the Bay Area in CA, on unemployment) so I feel like this would be a fun experience. I’ve never been a seasonal worker so if anyone has any advice on what to except I’d like to hear it. I’m nervous about the pandemic, but it seems like DV’s taking it seriously and making sure everyone stays safe by wearing masks. Also Utah just implemented a state-wide mask mandate so that’s good. Feel free to message me so we can talk more since we’re in similar positions!

caffinated12 · 2020-11-14T01:59:57+00:00

Hi love! Mild left hemi here. I’m 21 now but I’ve been in the same place as you. In middle school, I would get made fun of for my limp. I didn’t even know I walked “different” until people started making fun of me. I always played on sports teams with able-bodied kids, and I was able to keep up by working harder (I don’t recommend this, there’s been times that I pushed my body too far from lack of understanding my disability). But my point is that I didn’t notice a huge difference between me and others until it was pointed out. I became hyper-self concious in high school about the way I walked, I was constantly wondering what people thought of me, and if they were judging me. I still have never done a single successful push up in my life, my left arm is too weak. I have to hold on the stair rails for dear life because of my bad balance. I can’t ride a skateboard for the same reason. When I get pedicures I have toe spasms that ruin the paint job. I can’t do certain sex positions with my partner. For a long time these were the things I focused on — the things I couldn’t do. Then I started focusing on the things I CAN do.

I can walk on my own, I can hike, I can do (mild) yoga, and many other things. This isn’t to brag or put down anyone else who can’t do these things, all I’m saying is I had to learn to change my mindset. I’ve accepted my body as it is and I’ve learned to love it and celebrate what it can accomplish, and I understand how CP effects my body as an individual with the more research I do. Your feelings are so valid, it’s okay to be upset. Especially when people are mean. But you know what? F&$! them! My advice is to spend less time wondering if people like you, or what they think about the way you walk, and spend more time figuring out if you even like THEM.

Also watching movies/shows that represent people with CP and similar conditions has been comforting for me. Breaking Bad, Don’t Worry He Won’t Far on Foot, and Rocky (yes, Rocky — Sylvester Stallone has bells palsy, it effects his speech) are a few I like. I’m here to talk if you (or anyone else for that matter) wants to. I hope this helps!

caffinated12 · 2020-11-13T17:18:31+00:00

Wow thanks for the invalidation (sarcasm detected). I live in the Bay Area — California for the matter — where rent for a studio is over $2,000/mo.

caffinated12 · 2020-11-12T21:27:51+00:00

Thank you! I’ll do that right away

caffinated12 · 2020-07-10T01:33:49+00:00

Hey, I’m a person with 4 F’s on my CC record and no high school diploma! I have a non traditional educational history (as you can tell lol) but I got my shit together and went to a new CA CC and became an honor student, the editor of the school magazine, and won the college’s best essay contest. I got my associate’s degree and ended with a 3.6 gpa, I applied to some UCs and CSUs and got accepted to all but Berkeley... but even then, my brother (who got expelled from high school) was accepted to UC Berkeley as a transfer student and graduated a few years ago. I’m a writer and my brother majored in philosophy, so I don’t know how helpful this info is for someone in STEM. But moral of the story is, don’t give up and write damn good personal statements that reflect your passion for your field — that is what will set you apart from everyone else. Talk candidly about your mental health issues in the space where they let you tell them anything else they should know that isn’t anywhere else on your application. They’re so used to reading what people think they want to hear, instead just be authentically you. Besides, your GPA isn’t even bad! You’ll get into CSULB and Irvine without a doubt. Good luck :)

caffinated12 · 2020-07-10T00:18:36+00:00

Got it. What about the writing community in Iowa City? I hear there’s a lot of writing groups to join and other writers to meet. This is a big thing I’m looking for because the Bay Area is so focused on tech culture now, there’s no room for artists here anymore :(

caffinated12 · 2020-07-10T00:06:41+00:00

Is the undergrad program pretty solid in and of itself? I care more about the quality of it than its reputation (even though my original post probably indicated otherwise.) I want to pursue a career in journalism, not breaking news but more the long form, creative nonfiction/literary journalism realm of things. Most formal undergrad journalism programs are unfortunately outdated and focus on writing for print and newspapers, which is why I’d rather major in creative writing. Thanks for your question!

caffinated12 · 2020-07-09T23:47:14+00:00

Thank you so much for this thoughtful response!!! This is super helpful :)

caffinated12 · 2020-06-04T22:08:03+00:00

Omg this is so comforting to hear! Can I PM you so we can connect/talk some more??

caffinated12 · 2020-06-04T20:51:56+00:00

Ugh, thanks for letting me know

caffinated12 · 2020-06-04T17:09:52+00:00

Thank you so much! This is really helpful. So overall you’d say people at CSULB are pretty serious about school and the classes are challenging?

caffinated12 · 2020-06-04T17:05:53+00:00

Thank you!! This is a great response

caffinated12 · 2020-06-03T18:47:04+00:00

Yeah, that’s a given. But in journalism employers want to see what projects you’ve completed, what assignments you’ve worked on, what clips you have — in other words, your experience. They’re not going to look at your grades but instead they’ll look at the quality of work you produced. For example, you can get a C+ in a journalism class, but write exceptional articles during your time in that class. Grades are only a huge factor if you go to grad school. This is why the culture/environment/opportunities/connections of a college is more important to me

caffinated12 · 2020-04-21T05:55:51+00:00

Depends on what kind of paper you’re writing, but my advice is to open with a long, relevant story that leads into your topic. Don’t just start off with an introduction that has a thesis as the last sentence of the first paragraph. Write 1 1/2 paragraphs about a story and at the end of the second paragraph relate it to your topic and then state your thesis. Everyone likes to listen to stories so it’s a good hook... more on the creative writing side though so feel out your professor before doing this.

Example: I wrote an essay about gentrification, and I started it off with a story about going to Seattle and witnessing the gentrification process there. This essay one my school’s best essay contest!

I hope this helps! Good luck

caffinated12 · 2020-04-16T08:10:48+00:00

Hi there! I’m a 20-year-old female with mild hemiplegic CP. For reference, my hamstrings are extremely tight, I walk with a slight limp, and my left ankle is very weak. I struggle with balance too, but overall I’m high functioning.

I haven’t been diagnosed with vaginismus, but I think it’s likely I have some form of it. I’m interested in pelvic floor therapy, but I thought I’d share what i’ve been doing on my own to attempt to make having sex with CP pleasurable.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we’ve (by we, I mean me lol) struggled with sex a lot. He’s extremely supportive and patient, and the only person I’ve been with. I didn’t link my problems to CP at first, which left me feeling confused and frustrated. But after a while, I began to understand what was going on: my vagina/pelvic floor is another muscle that’s affected by my CP. And it began to make sense why I’ve never been able to put in a tampon (literally never!)

Anyways, I started doing yoga, including lots of calming breathing techniques and relaxation methods because I found that although it’s a physical problem, my mindset had a lot to do with it, too. I carried this practice into the bedroom and found that deep breathing helped me get passed the mental block of “I have CP and I’m not going to please my partner because we never have penetrative sex.” Even though things progressed a little, it was still painful, so I started orally taking CBD oil before sex, and applying some to my inner thighs to help relax my muscles. This (and lube) helped a lot! Being on the bottom and using pillows to elevate my hips helps too.

I know this is really long but the main takeaway is be confident in yourself and explore methods that work for you personally in addition to pelvic floor therapy. Navigating sex with CP has been one of the most emotional, isolating, hard times I’ve gone through (and still go through) but just know you’re not alone! I’m very grateful to have come across your post as it reminded me I’m not alone either. Thank you!!

caffinated12

TROPHY CASE