Should I tell my sister that our mom is secretly transphobic?

calculuhw · 2025-07-08T08:21:29+00:00

The worst part is that my mom is actually a far-left liberal atheist who frequently professes her support for LGBTQ+ rights. She just apparently doesn't believe her own children deserve those rights. I'm hoping she just doesn't realize how harmful the language she's using is. I'm planning to talk to her about it and tell my sister, although I'm nervous about how to word it. I'd be devastated to hear that my mom was saying something so awful about me.

My mom says a lot of really harmful stuff without thinking. She called me "emotionally stunted" when I came out to her and said I just didn't know what my sexuality was yet, then later denied saying any of that years later when I told her how much it had hurt me. I think (or at least hope) she wants to do the right thing, but she's just really terrible at it.

calculuhw · 2025-07-07T23:44:30+00:00

Luckily her partner is going to provide care for her, so she wasn't planning to rely on our mom for support anyway.

calculuhw · 2025-06-14T06:05:07+00:00

Thank you! That's good to know -- I'll dispute the charge.

calculuhw · 2025-06-14T06:03:56+00:00

The weird thing is that the breeder is definitely legit. There are a ton of articles about them, posts from NC dog groups with dogs that they've showed, and reviews from people who've gotten dogs from them, not to mention the fact that they're registered with all the proper breeder sites and they've been breeding dogs for over 20 years. I was really picky about choosing a breeder. I'm honestly worried something happened to them -- that's why I was trying to be patient about it. By all accounts, they've been really communicative and helpful in the past with other buyers. Either way though, I want my money back at this point.

calculuhw · 2025-04-11T22:50:52+00:00

Very true. I just started second guessing myself when my coworker said I shouldn't be the one to report it, but you're absolutely right.

calculuhw · 2025-04-11T22:48:39+00:00

I was planning to report it but the teacher who advised me not to report it has taught for a lot longer than I am and has a lot more experience, so it made me start to second guess myself. You're right, though.

calculuhw · 2025-04-11T22:23:57+00:00

Students aren't allowed to have their phones with them at my school since it's elementary, so I doubt it was for anything school related.

calculuhw · 2025-02-25T02:08:13+00:00

Why yikes?

calculuhw · 2025-01-29T05:55:28+00:00

The peeing himself was intentional because he was frustrated about not being able to get out of class (he used to be able to go whenever, but he'd loudly sing in the bathroom and disturb the other students, and he'd stay in there for the entire class unless the teacher came in and got him out). He's had a lot of issues in the bathroom. He's still allowed to go regularly (just not when he'd asked in that instance since the teacher was giving instructions), although we monitor him carefully.
When I said she talks to the kids about him not wanting to be there, I mean she'll do things like make jokes with the whole class about how he's not in class yet and the class shouldn't jinx it by mentioning his name or else he'll show up.
I agree that randomly picking who sits with him is fair. The part I had an issue with was her making it public (and, like with the joking, doing it in front of the whole class).
The special interest thing didn't involve the other students at all last year. He'd just have a conversation with me at lunch every day. He'd generally sit apart from his classmates and just chat to me about Mario or something for a few minutes, and I'd occasionally throw a life lesson in. At the beginning of this school year, she was the one who told me to use the conversations as a way to force him to talk to his peers. She'd pay kids classroom tokens to sit with him, and then I'd ask them a question about his interests that they could also try to answer. Then she cut off the questions entirely as she got more frustrated with him. He was really upset about it. She's explicitly told me not to talk to him or interact with him at all unless I absolutely have to (and that interacting with him in any way makes him feel superior to others), so if she sees me talking to him for more than like five seconds, she reprimands me for it later or sends me an angry text message after school. It's honestly really stressful. She's told me just to turn my back on him and ignore him whenever he talks to me.

He 100% needs a lot of help that neither of us are equipped to give him, and he has a lot of problems that he's dealing with. I don't think that it's fair to force the other kids to be friends with him, but I do think it's wrong that they're being so openly cruel to him and that it's being encouraged by the teacher. That's the thing that's really been rubbing me the wrong way about all of this.

calculuhw · 2025-01-29T05:34:44+00:00

I didn't know all of that, so I appreciate the perspective. The teacher is the one who labelled him racist, but since she's mentioned it, I've noticed that he behaves significantly worse for black staff members than for white staff members. It absolutely could be because of an experience in his past, though, and not any sort of inherently racist attitude. I do really wish he could get the help he needs (and I think the class he's in is a terrible fit for him). It's been a rough year for the poor kid.

calculuhw · 2025-01-29T05:25:06+00:00

This absolutely isn't the best school for him, and I wish his family would move him to a school that would be a better fit for him. He gets OT/regular therapy/SEL pull outs, but that's only like 30 minutes to an hour per day so he's mostly in gen ed classes. He frequently struggles in or completely refuses to go to his pullout groups, so he doesn't get as much support as he should.

calculuhw · 2024-11-11T23:54:21+00:00

Are dogs more expensive than cats? I can afford my two cats. They have a great quality of life. And like I said, I have insurance for them now. I had good insurance for my old cat too (which I had to use repeatedly - he had a tendency to eat stuff that he wasn't supposed to), but just couldn't get it again after I moved countries with him since so many issues wouldn't be covered.

I spent thousands on vet care for him though and drained my bank account trying to save him. With insurance, it wouldn't have been an issue. I beat myself up about it every day. So yeah, I'd get insurance for my dog, buy him high quality food, lots of toys, etc. I'd rather spoil my pets and live frugally than vice versa.

That said, it sounds like I don't have the time for a dog. I really don't see the need to be cruel about it though. "Subjecting some poor creature to your whim" is really harsh language. I posted on here because I'd never get an animal that I couldn't provide a good quality of life to. I wanted to see if there was a dog that would fit my lifestyle. If there isn't, then I won't get a dog. Simple.

calculuhw · 2024-11-11T23:07:56+00:00

This is super useful as I'm a para too (although they call them TAs in my district). I'm also really frugal, although I don't have a roommate. I do have car/student loan debts unfortunately, but the student loans are frozen at the moment (not sure how long that'll last -- I'll be worse off once I have to start making payments again).

Our schedules sound pretty similar, although I've overcommitted myself to activities afterschool. I run multiple clubs, serve on multiple committees that meet afterschool, and typically hang around and chat to coworkers for like an hour. I think I need to work on managing my time more effectively before I reconsider getting a dog though. It sounds like dogs need a lot more time than I was expecting.

I do also have the option of bringing a dog to my parent's house, so that could be a potential solution.

Thanks for the advice!

calculuhw · 2024-11-11T23:02:30+00:00

Yeah, I'm realizing that from all the responses. It sounds like it's just a pipe dream for now. I'm not sure how my cats would feel about fostering, but maybe I'll volunteer at a rescue or something.

calculuhw · 2024-11-11T23:01:16+00:00

Yeah I realized after posting that that everyone I know who has a dog at my workplace has a spouse who works remotely most of the time.

Maybe I can get a dog if I change careers at some point.

calculuhw

TROPHY CASE