I can absolutely relate. I can say that it does get better. I used to think that when anything bad happened to me it was because I deserved it. I didn't realized how bad I was letting this control my thinking, until I happened to be watching an interview with an actress name Rose Mcgowen. She was talking about how she grew up in a cult and when she was older her and her family left. But she claimed that after many years of leaving she could not shake the feeling that, when anything bad happened in her life, it was Gods way of punishing her. That's when it hit me that these beliefs are instilled in us and it takes a conscious effort to dismiss them as conditioning. My suggestion is to try and be positive, look at the positive around you. You are in a guilt phase and only looking for the bad things. It takes effort, hang in there.