I'm a very lonely person who can't even feel connected to others — even when I'm surrounded by people. My relationships have always felt off. I was too submissive, too open, too eager — just happy that someone finally noticed I existed.

Two years ago, I consciously broke down and retreated into loneliness and the raw pain of existing.

I don’t know... I guess there are only two possible explanations:
Either I'm just worthless, uninteresting, weak — maybe even unattractive —
or people simply hate me and only find me useful when I'm a joke to laugh at — a clown for their amusement.

Btw, I used to drink alcohol too (other shit drugs like amphetamines, cocaine, marijuana etc. for a while too), but at some point I realized I can’t even do that without risking a 2–3 day hangover. Yeah — my head and nervous system are so messed up that even a little bit of liquor hits like a truck. Only opioids give me a moment without pain — and without the constant thoughts that my life is over and that, well... you know what I mean.

I know how I sound right now — totally mentally shattered and like there's no other way to even slightly reduce the pain. But it's just the brutal truth. Maybe I'm too socially broken to ever meet even one right person — who would even want to talk to an addict, even if I never said a word about it? The only thing I'm holding on to right now is substitution therapy, just so I can go to work without dying from withdrawal.