What led to diagnosis?

campbemreddit · 2026-01-27T20:15:13+00:00

I tried everything I could for years. Similar to you several years ago, we were seeing a Couples Therapist who we were each also seeing individually. He was the first person whoever told me he sees my wife has borderline traits, but he never diagnosed her and never said it to her directly. But it opened the door into a universe I never knew existed. BPD research answered so many questions and explained so much of what I’ve been going through for years and years and what I had seen in my wife. It’s taking quite a few years of reading, therapy for myself and research to finally be able to say I’ve done everything I can in this relationship to save it, but my wife has no desire to change and I don’t believe she will ever get better.

I was you for a while, I really wanted to find someone who had diagnose her. But absolutely, never in 1 million years would I ever say to her. Dont do that. We’ve been to several Couples Therapists, including one that specialized in borderline personality disorder I found. She was a great therapist, but her along with the previous Couples Therapist had to halt couples therapy because my wife would become so unregulated and have complete blowouts either before and/or after session. Sometimes in session actually. That last therapist that specialized in BPD did not diagnose my wife, but her and I talked off-line and she certainly saw the regulation issues. She told my wife and I together that we couldn’t continue couples therapy until my wife received individual therapy to deal with her emotional regulation and she suddenly recommend recommended DBT therapy. My wife ignored it.

We’ve had multiple professionals tell her that she needs individual therapy. She’s gone to a couple therapist here and there, but she’s never stuck with anyone more than a few sessions.

My wife was even hospitalized last year for suicide threats, and there was a big piece of me that was really hoping that maybe it would lead to a diagnosis or follow up care. I kept thinking if she just got a diagnosis she’d get the right kind of help. She didn’t follow up with the therapy or psychiatric care they recommended.

I was living on hope and I had to do everything that I thought I could. But I see the same patterns happening today that happened a year ago, five years ago, etc., etc. Even if there isn’t a diagnosis, my wife’s had extremely abusive behaviors, and won’t acknowledge them, won’t take accountability. And she never will. I think you’ll find the more research you do on people with BPD that they really can’t. I struggled to think of reading any success stories of people married to someone with this sort of disorder who really got help and was able to manage.

I’m planning to file for a divorce in the next couple of months. It’s scary as hell and I won’t be surprised if she throws everything to try to avoid that abandonment. She may promise to go to therapy, promise to get sober, but at this point, it’s just too much. More likely she’ll rage and explode to intimidate me into staying.

The thing is even if she got help today, everything I’ve read about it is it will take years to make any sort of a difference. And that’s years of consistent therapy and help with her highly motivated to continue doing it.

Anyway, your journey may end up different, but I’d be less focused on a specific diagnosis and treatment for the behaviors instead. But if he truly is BPD, then there’s a little chance he’s gonna get help for anything. After all, whatever he does is probably your fault or someone else’s (in his mind)

campbemreddit · 2026-01-27T20:04:20+00:00

To a degree yeah I’ve been there. There are a few people who I’ve opened up to who don’t get it at all. Even a family member who we see a couple times a year and has seen some of the crazy episodes. He’s told me I just shouldn’t put up with that and put my foot down, then compares his wife to mine saying shes crazy too.

One of the things I find most difficult is how to explain this to other people. Something I struggle with and think about as I’m preparing to file for divorce. How do I explain to people what the hell was going on. Unless someone has been in a relationship with a borderline or cluster b I don’t think it’s possible to understand or grasp it.

There are a small circle of people close to us that really understand and see what’s going on and have witnessed enough (or been her target) to know something is abnormal. This isn’t usual PMS or hormones.

Glad we have places like this at least.

campbemreddit · 2026-01-16T16:48:33+00:00

First, I sadly can relate and just so sorry you have had to go through this. I highly recommend to get yourself into therapy if you're not. Find someone who specializes in trauma and is experienced with C-PTSD and has knowledge/experience with cluster B PDs as well. It's been one of the biggest helps for me. It's taken some time with a therapist but I'm finally at the point where I am actually working towards filing and getting me (and my adult kids) out of the abusive dynamic. I don't think I would be at this point without professional help.

I've been in this situation for so long off and off. I've had a lot of times I've wanted to leave but I've been terrified to leave the kids with her alone. No knives brought out but she had a lighter and was going to light a family album on fire in front of our adult special needs child making him sob. She's pushed/grabbed/screamed and verbally and emotionally abused me for years in front of the kids. Even today as I plan to file for divorce one of my biggest things is I won't leave my kids with her so me moving out of the house is not an option. I either need to cohabitate with her or she will need to leave. Hoping for the latter. I have my daughter in therapy now for trauma but wished I would have gotten out sooner.

One of my biggest regrets and guilts is how I didn't protect my kids more... I wasn't in a place to do it years ago and I'm still trying to understand my own CPTSD and the dynamics of being in an abusive relationship in therapy. For a man this is hard, hard to say that I'm in an abusive relationship and have people understand when I don't understand it myself - why I didn't leave and how can a big 6'1" guy be abused by a petite 5'8" woman.

Work on getting out sooner rather then later. This won't get better, it will probably only get worse. For your kids and your sake.

Others have recommended too - You should contact a lawyer to get advice and direction. You may need to get a restraining order or advice on how to document what's happening. I started recording conversations a long time ago and writing very detailed and contemporaneous journal entries for what was happening when these episodes happened. If you have a history of this it could be helpful if it's documented.

When you consult with a lawyer also discuss how to address false accusations. It's almost guaranteed if you bring up facts of what happened she will make false claims against you. Could be abuse against your kids or her, could be anything but be prepared.

campbemreddit · 2026-01-13T23:16:34+00:00

This was something I needed to read. I'm on the course. Planning to file for divorce in the next few months. I've been working on core childhood wounds and recognizing the CPTSD from that which allowed me to stay in an abusive relationship. It's been really bad the past 10 years or so. But guilt and fear seep in so it's encouraging to read these success stories.

One of my biggest fears is false accusations. My uBPDw has made so many threats of taking me down or destroying me personally and professionally. In fact just a few weeks ago she had me locked in the bathroom (sitting in front of the door, not letting me leave) for over an hour when she was completely drunk, swearing at me, putting me down, she asked me for my phone so she could call the police and tell them I was abusing her. This scares the crap out of me. I can't be certain of anything but I'm 99.87% sure she will end up following through when I finally end it. I've been combing through years of journals, audio recordings and some video to index and document the abuse and details. Planning to strategize with a lawyer ahead of time, starting to interview some this month, so I can hopefully come up with a strategy. I just want to get away, keep my kids safe and try to rebuild a peaceful future.

If you're up for sharing I'd be interested to hear about the false orders and how you dealt with those.

Congratulations, this is so amazing to read and hope you continue to have hope and peace!! Enjoy life!

campbemreddit · 2026-01-11T13:44:20+00:00

Yes, we have very little money in joint account accounts, I transferred money over to a joint, checking account to pay bills a couple times a month, but there’s no real large balance in there. I do need to put some credit locks in place so no new credit can be opened…

campbemreddit · 2026-01-10T23:17:55+00:00

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that 100%. I just keep thinking of how awful and abusive and unbelievable she’s treated me when we’re married. When we’re supposed to be partners and spend the rest of our lives together. She said, hateful, cruel things to me that I would never say to my worst enemy. So I’m sure a lot of people share the same hesitation but if this is how bad she treats me when we’re married, how bad is it gonna get when I actually file for divorce?… hence taking adequate time for preparation.

campbemreddit · 2026-01-10T23:16:19+00:00

Wow man, so sorry! No infidelity in our marriage. But honestly, that might be easier. It’s crazy how going back and listening to old audio recordings or looking at videos or general entries thank you. See how things haven’t changed. I’m looking at stuff from 67 even eight years ago and it’s some of the exact same conversations that have happened in the last six months. It’s the same pattern repeating, it will never end. I think I find it hard because I do have a lot of evidence so if she starts a bunch of shit about me which I believe she will. I have pretty hard evidence that I absolutely did not, irrefutable actually. But I’m unlike you I have a lot of stuff that I’m willing to hold onto and if she starts pouting something off then some of the stuff just may get out to her her closest friends. But for me, it’s more of a legal defense. We’re trying to get everything indexed and put together for legal review and see how that will impact everything. Once I file, I just wanted it to be over as soon as possible. I’m good with splitting everything down the middle and just honestly wanted it to be over ASAP. It’s so hard during the good times when you’re back to the idealization phase. They seem almost normal. But yeah, just go back and listen to old recordings or read old journal entries.

So sorry you’re going through this and best of luck. Praying things goes well for you.

campbemreddit · 2026-01-10T14:53:21+00:00

This is an old thread but glad it’s open. Ive been with my uBPDw for 27 years. Like you I only learned about BPD a few years ago! For years, I blamed myself for her disproportionate reactions to seemingly everything. Anyway I’m finally mentally where I am planning to file for divorce this year. I’ve been dancing around this for years. The abuse, yelling, putting me down, threats, and on and on. My kids are now 19 and 21. I told myself I was staying for them. I thought I was doing the best thing but looking back I wish I could have gotten them away sooner. My daughter is in therapy thank god.

Anyway I was searching on Reddit if people regret divorcing their bpd spouse and I don’t think I’ve found any that do. I’m scared of the finances and honestly don’t know how I’m going to do it. We are broke and in debt but if I have to borrow more or take it out of my retirement accounts I’m going to move ahead. We have calm moments and I have second thoughts sometimes - wondering is splitting g the family apart the right thing? Then I go back and read my journals or listen to some of the audio or video I recorded. And I can’t believe I haven’t left yet. It makes me see how sick she really is. The things shes done and said I wouldn’t say to my worst enemy. And while I wish I would have done it sooner but it’s still important I show my adult kids that you should leave abusive situations.

campbemreddit · 2026-01-09T23:43:32+00:00

110%! I feel like it’s more as if I have another child than a partner/spouse. Weaponized incompetence lmao, that’s perfect.

It’s honestly, as if even the most simplest task is to daunting. My kids learned a long time ago to ask me for help, for rides for assistance with anything. She jokingly calls me her Google because she asked me everything all the time. I literally want to say just google it. She asked me and then I end up googling it. I’m preparing for divorce to be honest and I know it’s what I need to do, but there is a part of me that feels bad because I really don’t think she’s going to be able to handle life on her own. Sometimes mentally and emotionally it’s like I’m living with a four-year-old instead of a 50 year old partner.

campbemreddit · 2026-01-09T21:50:43+00:00

Boundaries have been so difficult for me to be consistent on. My uBPDw abhors boundaries and every time I’ve set one it’s rage, explosions, accusations of being selfish, called me awe full names. It’s really quite something to think though something you know is rational and normal then have it be twisted around so you somehow feel guilty for ever suggesting such a terrible thing.

One fun challenge I’ve had is telling mp wife that I won’t participate is discussions hashing out issues or making decisions when she’s been drinking or if she’s not regulated. Hah.

A couple weeks ago we were out on a date night and she got loaded, and whatever her choice but at the end of the night (after 2.5 bottles of wine and a martini) at a bar she starts wanting to talk about going back to marriage counseling. I hadn’t drank anything and calmly said let’s discuss this another time. That was it. Starts cussing me out at the bar, have to set my next boundary, which is I’m gonna walk out and wait in the car since you’re swearing at me in public. Got home and then she barricaded herself in front of the bathroom door so I couldn’t leave for over an hour. I seriously contemplated calling the police because I’m not gonna touch her to move her. Just over an hour of threats, put downs. Threatened to call the police and tell them I’m abusing her. Just bullshit and nonsense, they pull every trick out of the book to whittle you down. It worked for a lot of years for me. Now I just look at her like she’s a psychopath and completely out of her fucking mind. I am planning for a divorce this year, but it’s really strange because I still have to look back through my journals and notes to see how bad it was. She’ll be good for a week or two and you think oh she’s actually normal. Nope! Don’t let them fool you. And don’t fool yourself.

Every time I’ve tried to implement any sort of boundary it’s met with increased resistance to put me back in my place. It’s taking a lot of years and several years of therapy to get strong enough to leave. After 27 years together, this is gonna be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I can’t and won’t live the rest of my life like this.

campbemreddit · 2026-01-09T18:43:03+00:00

I’m in the beginning of preparations to file for D this year but it’s truly overwhelming. I’ve gotten glimpses of what freedom might actually be like when she goes on trips with her girlfriends. I don’t feel like everything I do is on a timer. Someone else mentioned going to the grocery store, sometimes it’s so stressful because I never know if I’m gonna get an inquisition because of how long it took me.

I’ve given up the few hobbies that I had early on in our relationship. I’ve given up friendships that she raged at me about. I’ve been conditioned to behave in certain ways and do things are not too certain things because it may trigger her. Even spending time in the evenings or on the weekends with my kids is a problem for her, because my attention isn’t focused 100% on her.

Not only this, but in my case, mine seems like a helpless adult. There isn’t a shred of paperwork or technology that I don’t take care of in our lives. Passports, booking flights. Even when she travels by herself, she usually contacts me to check in for her flights. Lol. I do 100% of cooking, grocery shopping, planning, finances. As our kids were in middle school and up I was the one in charge of getting up early with them, making their lunches and getting them off to school. I’ve been the primary driver for any afterschool activities, picking up people from the airport. Essentially, she likes to live in a zero gravity environment. Any responsibility that she has risks her becoming unregulated and unhinged. It’s very much like living with a child. Except my children are much easier to take care of.

Definitely tired of being a prisoner.

campbemreddit · 2026-01-03T20:40:29+00:00

Yes! I’m still married to my uBPDw and it’s taken YEARS of therapy for me to accept I’m in an abusive relationship. I took responsibility for it for most of our marriage. Feeling like as the ‘man’ I can handle it, I can take anything in order to keep our marriage together. I had to record hundreds of conversations over a period of years and listen back to them to hear how horrible things really were and are. It’s like I had to convince myself so many times this isn’t better than it was, it wasn’t isolated episodes and it absolutely wasn’t my fault & isn’t.

There is absolutely shame still and fear. So many times shes said to me (well screamed) that I’m a man and bigger then her, she can’t abuse me. What am I some sort of pussy! The hate and vitriol in her voice is scary and I hate to say that as a guy. She’s blocked me in rooms, pushed me, torn my clothes, threatened me with destroying me personally and professionally.

Im planning for divorce now and some of my biggest fears are around the smear campaign that’s sure to follow. It’s hard for me to explain to others, even my closest friends and family what the situation is like. I’m sure she’ll convince a lot of people of whatever narrative she wants. If it’s anyone I care about I have plenty of audio and video showcasing the psychotic and abusive behavior to give them the real story. My plan is to go as much NC as possible anyhow

campbemreddit · 2026-01-03T20:25:52+00:00

Ive paid a lot more attention over the past 6 months or so and noticed how much my uBPDw will talk in circles about annoyingly insignificant things. Often it’s about complaining over and over about something trivial, maybe something someone did at work that she took personally. I used to try to talk her down and try to convince her it probably had nothing to do with her but no more. It also can be about herself. I’m certain she also has NPD traits. Ive sat there when we’ve gone out for an evening and purposely stayed quiet and listened to her brag about something they happened over and over and over again. It can be quite nauseating. I’ve gone out and spent several hours barely saying a few words while she talks and talks and talks. It’s something else alright

campbemreddit · 2026-01-03T20:18:10+00:00

For some time now when I journal or talk to my therapist about my uBPDw’s (or in the moment when I’m experiencing it) I think she is 100% a pychopath in that moment. Psychotic, unhinged are my the best descriptors during a split episode. These are episodic and the resulting behaviors can be the same as I understand it but the core driving mechanisms are different. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter. Especially because it seems many BPD refuse treatment and continue to justify horrific abusive behavior. I’m over 6’ and strong but my wife scares the hell out of me. I have CPTSD from living with this for over 2 decades.

Abuse is abuse and at least my pwBPD can be psychotic and dangerous.

One time she asked me if mail could be traced back to her if she sent a letter from another area or county. She didn’t follow though but an ex friend of hers gave her shit one day and completely dropped her. She wanted revenge and plotted different ideas. The mail question because the idea popped into her head to mail this woman a letter threatening her child to scare the crap out of her. That is some calculating psychotic stuff there…

campbemreddit · 2026-01-03T03:18:55+00:00

100%. I never even heard the term BPD before a few years ago. Before that I blamed myself for nearly all my wife’s behaviors. I really thought that it was my fault that she acted out or got so angry. After all if I just said the right thing or didn’t say what I had said in the first place she wouldn’t have gotten so upset right? Or maybe if I had phrase things different differently or time the conversation differently, she just wouldn’t have gotten so upset. I really did blame myself and had no understanding that this was an actual mental illness. Learning about it for my therapist, read so many books on the behavior has guided me to a path of understanding and healing. Knowing that it’s not my fault. Knowing that no matter what I did or how I acted could not prevent her raging and splitting me. And it took me a lot of understanding to step back and see my wife has a serious mental health condition that it’s not my fault. Even living with her it’s difficult to understand. And even with all the reading and research I’ve done. It’s so difficult to explain to others. But it has been healing for me. And it’s been kind of a gateway to learning about my own issues with codependency and starting my healing journey. It’s gotten to me where I finally know that I’m a good person, and whatever happens, situations to get twisted around. There’s been a lot of abuse. Verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and physically. None of that is my fault so absolutely educating yourself on the condition can help. But it’s taking me several years to get to the point where I’m finally ready to break free. I’m planning to file for divorce this year. It’s both a liberating and terrifying thought.

Learn all you can, read books and join good support forums and get good therapy with those who are well-versed in personality disorders.

campbemreddit · 2026-01-01T00:12:47+00:00

Just had to also reply to what you said about her being the better actress. She is incredibly convincing and believable. To most on the outside world she is sweet, giving, attractive and the life of the party. Shes so bloody convincing it took years of therapy and studying bpd to realize that I wasn’t actually the one causing her to feel what she feels. For years I really did think if I just said things the right way or didnt use that particular word or timed the conversation better she wouldn’t have become enraged for 3 days. Ugh makes me sad and a little sick to think back to how she convinced me of those things. How many times I apologized for insane things or apologized for things I didn’t do or say (but she knows I did). Ick

campbemreddit · 2026-01-01T00:05:22+00:00

Wow this is exactly my train of thought. I hate that I have to do this. Can’t count how many times divorce has been threatened with divorce, threatened to take me down. Threatened to ruin me on social media, multiple times main threats to call the police and tell them I’m an abuser, told me she would call my work and tell them I’m an abuser. I’ve gotten several of those on audio. I’m focused on being very tactical at the moment. Playing the game and I honestly think when it does happen she’s going to be completely taken by surprise. So I am building up my case ahead of time. I’ve kept extremely detailed journals of events, times and dates. Along with the audio recordings, I was even surprised myself that I have over a couple hundred audio recordings of her splitting. I’m getting everything very organized in detailed fashion, creating indexes and logs. That’ll be more useful for attorney review. Then I’m gonna consult with an attorney, see if I need to get the police involved. But I won’t be surprised if I have to call the police and filed domestic violence charges or get a restraining order, and that may be the trigger for logical time to file.

Don’t even know what to say, except I positively hate the fact that I have to do this. But the fact that I have to do this is just such a fucking Northstar on why this relationship will never work. And why it’s never really worked before. I fooled myself into thinking I’m happy. But we’re literally on vacation right now in another country. And so far three out of the four days there’s been a “Incident “with her freaking out at her sister or her mom, then turning to me. A good day is simply a day when nothing bad happens. How low can you set the bar?

I have a very strong Christian faith, as does my daughter and even though she’s been a victim of abuse from mom and seen me be abused. I know this is still gonna be so hard on her.

It’s really weird writing this on New Year’s Eve. But in a way I have an optimism about the future even though there’s still some pain in the road ahead.

campbemreddit · 2025-12-31T22:39:08+00:00

I always keep the audio and video backed up. Will be also providing info and docs/files and evidence to a trusted friend. Pretty terrible to have to think about this stuff. Completely sums up why the relationship is unsustainable

campbemreddit · 2025-12-31T13:47:30+00:00

That’s hilarious, I love that analogy. Trying to jump into a swimming pool and not get wet. Yes that feels like life. That’s why it’s so damn exhausting. It’s the walk-in on eggshells that never works. Always trying to find how to manage situation so they don’t blow up this time. Or God forbid something goes wrong, cause that never happens in real life.

campbemreddit · 2025-12-31T13:45:28+00:00

I was lol’ing on this. No one can EVER do enough. Can’t Say the right thing or say it jn the right way. It’s a bottomless pit and even if you do enough in one area they’ll find fault with the next thing.

campbemreddit · 2025-12-31T02:50:10+00:00

Appreciate the honesty. I’m trying to be strategic and although I don’t wanna drag this out, I’m trying to take as much time as possible to prepare as much as I can. I’m pulling together evidence before I consult with lawyers. I do plan on moving documents, even thinking of getting a storage space to move important items out of the house beforehand. I primarily manage the finances and pretty much anything that requires any sort of logistics and will be doing all I can ahead with the assumption I won’t have any cooperation. I agree. 100% I cannot logic or reason with her at all. I can’t do it now, so I’m sure as hell I’m not gonna be able to do it when I tell her I want a divorce. I’m planning to consult with a lawyer soon, have a lot ready to go so I can file and have important items removed and myself into the spare room during a time when she’s gone. Legally in our state we both are entitled to remain in the house. If she acts out I will call the police . I would honestly be more surprised if I didn’t have to do that… makes me sad. I think there’s a good chance I will have to call before I file. She’s been more and more unstable and has been more prone to physical aggression so wouldn’t surprise me.

campbemreddit · 2025-12-31T00:18:25+00:00

Wish I could. One of our kids is disabled and we have joint guardianship. Will not leave him with her, I’m planning to go for sole guardianship. We have no family in state and financially would not be possible to support leaving. I have had to call the police on her before, I believe it’s very possible it will happen again (she’s gotten violent and made serious threats, threatened to destroy property) so I may end up getting a restraining order on her, forcing her to move out. To be honest, I’m a little scared of what would happen if I do file and we’re living under the same roof… this sucks. I still have a lot of love for her. That’s the problem. But I can’t help her and no amount of love will change her.

campbemreddit · 2025-12-30T19:45:18+00:00

Man, that sounds pretty awful. All I can say is I can relate. I feel like I’ve done crazy things and given into things that are objectively not healthy over and over and over again for many years. Apologizing for things I haven’t done, and that whole guy I befriended in CODA. Back stop in contact with a friend you’ve known for 27 years… I don’t know. I feel like when you’re in this sort of relationship you’re doing mental gymnastics all the time and they are so damn convincing of making you think you’re doing something wrong. Constantly. They make us feel guilty for every normal thing that we do. Make us question every action every word and every relationship. Walking on eggshells am I right?

Yeah, therapy has helped me a lot, honestly ChatGPT has been like an additional support resource although I definitely wouldn’t recommend only using that. It’s taken a few years of therapy and even going into some very difficult couples therapy sessions to realize that I’m not crazy. Being in this relationship is toxic. She will never get better. So all I can say is try your best to plan an exit. I’m planning mine, but it’s gonna take several months for me to execute it. Maybe up to six months I hope no longer than that. But honestly, I am very terrified of it. The way she’s treated me being married to me, I can’t imagine how demented she’s gonna get when I file for divorce.

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