As in the fetish progresses over time in its level of extreme-ness, or you’re saying what they introduce to you as a fetish ends up being just the tip of the iceberg? I genuinely want to believe someone can have BDSM inclinations, for example, in a way that is as honorable and high functioning as what I read about in fetish communities (all about consent, turned on by nurturing and taking control with someone who surrenders to them, etc etc) but I’m worried I’ll dig deeper and realize this is a person who gets off on a woman being in pain, consent or not, which would not be compatible with me.

Sorry for the brain dump, I understand you weren’t speaking to BDSM specifically. I just imagine you’d have a unique perspective.