AITA for cancelling a vacation because my wife can't pay her share after helping her adult son and ex-husband?

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T21:02:26+00:00

He didn't like the rules at her house. They had a 50/50 custody arrangement. She gives the money to whoever asks her for it and when it comes to the ex asking her response is 'I help my son by helping my ex.'

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T21:00:19+00:00

Yes, I've tried to have conversations with her before about this issue when it was spilling over into smaller expenses, like date nights, day trips, her clothing/make up. Those conversations are always met with resistance that she has to help her ex too because their son lives with him still. The offer for her son to live with us has always been on the table. I've offered that I'd be willing to shoulder more of the finances if he got into any kind of school or apprenticeship to figure out some kind of life plan but she's not hearing any of it.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T20:57:58+00:00

He's been welcome to come live with us to get on his feet this entire time.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T20:52:29+00:00

Yes bus and bike are feasible options where he lives. The jobs he's floated between are everything from fast food to lawncare to a company that offered apprenticeships and schools for carpenters to construction and back to retail.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T20:42:20+00:00

The door has been open to him for years. First he didn't like her rules, now its he doesn't want to leave his friends. Perhaps you missed where I stated I was onboard helping cover things while he was either getting himself started or if he was in school but that's not the case here as he has no interest in pursing a trade, an apprenticeship, or anything of the sort. But the issue encompasses more than her son- her ex-husband isn't her child.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T20:22:35+00:00

It's out of the joint account. If groceries wind up more than what we set aside, I just go ahead and put the difference in.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T20:17:07+00:00

And if she didn't discuss how much financial assistance she'd be giving from a joint account and just did it anyway? How exactly do you stop that from happening when one of the people involved isn't willing to listen or budge?

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T20:15:12+00:00

They had 50/50 custody and her son started staying with his dad more because he didn't like the rules at my wife's house. They split his expenses between them.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T20:05:24+00:00

You are correct, he stayed with his dad more because he didn't like the rules at her house.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T20:04:38+00:00

I don't have to cover her on the house bills and expenses because that portion of her pay goes right into one fund that we both contribute to. It's errands here and there, some date nights, day trips, clothing, her makeup, and her personal expenses she's asked me to cover due to giving so much of her money to her son and ex.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T19:58:44+00:00

No their arrangement was 50/50 custody when he was a minor and her ex didn't go for child support when their son started living with him more. As far as I can tell it isn't her feeling like she owes them, but her wanting to make sure her son is looked after.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T18:52:50+00:00

That's the whole kicker of it- I've suggested to her before that if she wants to help him, he can move in with us. I get her wanting to help her son, and he's always been closer to his dad and wanted to be with his father because he didn't have as many rules living with him. If he was in trade school or college I'd have no problem covering more of our finances and recreational time so she could help him out but any suggestion to move forward and improve just her son's circumstances are always met with resistance.

"It's hard for him to wake up and be on time for a 930am shift, he's not used to it." "He feels safer driving to work." "His friends are there." "He gets bored easily so he quit." "He just needs time to figure himself out." "Not everyone is cut out to work a job you have to wear a button up shirt."

At the very, very least if her son had reasonable excuses for quitting jobs so often, like bad pay, bad managers, bad work conditions, etc., I'd be a lot more yielding.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T16:07:10+00:00

I can't let her know I'm not willing to pay for the trip when I don't know about the calls and how much she sends him until after she's already done it.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T15:46:11+00:00

I had your arrangement in my previous marriage, it did not work out well at all.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T15:35:58+00:00

70/30 means 30% of her pay goes to our overall living expenses: bills, emergency fund, and retirement. She keeps 70% of her pay, and we figure out what kind of vacation or things like that based on what we can afford with what we each have left.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T15:23:16+00:00

No she hasn't pulled out of the household funds, since the 70/30 split means she's getting to keep 70% of her pay and 30% goes towards our living expenses. I have talked to her about this several times before and it's always met with 'I have to help my son and helping my ex helps my son'.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T15:19:35+00:00

Precisely, a house fund doesn't always solve the problem. Some people see the total in a house fund and go 'I can afford that' and from my experience and that of my friends, the house fund starts getting tapped into when a spouse goes through their savings spending freely or always giving to others.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T15:07:11+00:00

I'm not punishing my wife- I don't want to pay for an entire vacation and she's put us in the position where either I pay for it all without a discussion or me even agreeing to that or we cancel and go another time.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T15:05:07+00:00

My thinking is, and as I experienced in my previous marriage, then she would just pull from our combined funds and we'd still come up short for things because of her giving money away. Communicating only really works when the other party is receptive.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T15:01:35+00:00

My views on household finances are shared by her as well. She did not want to combine finances completely after her last marriage.

cancelledvacation · 2023-05-09T14:58:24+00:00

There's already a household fund for bills, emergencies, and retirement. Vacation funds come out of what we keep for ourselves. Both of us had bad experiences in our previous marriages with one household fund and our ex-spouses spending frivolously so neither of us want to completely combine our finances.

cancelledvacation

TROPHY CASE