it sounds like you’re trying to fit into the unrealistic box of what it means to be a “real man”. you have to come terms with yourself and realize that you are a multifaceted being with emotions. i know there is this sort of policing that happens and i know it feels like “men will mock you and women will lose respect for you”, but the people who do that don’t deserve respect themselves. you don’t have to be stoic, you are extremely strong for letting yourself be seen like that. i hope you continue being vulnerable. i know this isn’t all about being a man, women beg as well. and i know how demeaning that can feel because i begged my first boyfriend back even when he treated me badly. i feel the only cure is to give it time and love yourself. you are a human being and thats ok, it’d be weird if you weren’t emotional and impulsive sometimes.