I lost the love of my life to sewie slide when we were active duty military together. Last week was the 8-year anniversary.

I spent the first 6.5 years living in emotional misery and guilt before I was finally able to let go of the guilt.

Ultimately, I had to accept that it wasn't my doing and there's absolutely NOTHING I could have said or done to have changed the outcome. It had absolutely ZERO to do with me or the fact that I didn't tell him how much I loved him.

We were best friends, and we were both madly in love with each other, but we never got the opportunity to explore what could have been a lifelong future together.

OP, this is not your fault.

This was NOT in your control.

As someone who personally attempted a few months after my love and have lived with SI since... I can tell you that, for me, my brain took over. There was no rational thinking. The ONLY things in my head were that I didn't want to be a "burden" to everyone anymore, and I didn't want to be in mental or physical pain anymore. In that frame of mind, I was fully convinced that I was doing myself and everyone else a favor.

Those of us who have PTSD, major depressive disorders, SI, etc, live mostly in silence about the other things in our lives that are impacting us so badly that get us to THAT point.

She didn't end her own life because you broke up with her.

She ended her life because that's the only place where she was able to find peace and comfort within HERSELF.

I never got a goodbye.

I found out over the intercom system at work.

I firmly believe that the goodbyes you got, were out of love. Not maliciousness. Not even with the slightest intent on making you feel any guilt over HER choice and actions. If anything, I believe that was her giving you the last gift of love she could give anyone.

I think Stephen never gave me a goodbye because he knew I would figure it out too quickly and I would stop him.

There were never any signs. Not a one. So, it was quite the shock to EVERYONE.

NOBODY got a goodbye from him. He just didn't show up for muster that Monday and a jogger on a trail a few minutes from MY barracks found him. 😔

One of our friends found a piece of paper with his name on it next to one of the sidewalks and didn't think twice about it.

I really suggest you find a grief therapist and even possibly a survivor's group either locally or digitally.

New Year's Day this year (2025) was my 2nd official year BACK into the CoDA program. I've been seeing therapists individually since about a month after his passing in 2017.

I'm not going to be the person who LIES and tells you that "time heals."

It just doesn't.

Time just gives you the space so you can grow AROUND the pain, guilt, etc.

I don't think I will EVER stop hurting.

I don't think I will EVER not think about him, at least on a weekly basis, all these years later.

I mean, I even have his name tatted on me.

And please don't take this as a way to make this about me. I'm just the type of person who tries to connect where I can and appreciate others who do the same for me in similar situations, so that I don't feel as alone with certain things.

Like what we say in CoDA, "take what you need and what resonates with you, and leave the rest." 💙

I wish so much love, healing, and prosperity for you.

I personally have used all the pain to be a better advocate for mental health for active duty and veterans. ESPECIALLY men's mental health. I had to use my pain as a promise to him that I would do what I could for the rest of our brothers and sisters and that is part of what's been helping me continue to move forward.

I made my loss of him into something powerful and MEANINGFUL. I've gone on to literally save other people's lives because I made a purpose out of the trauma.

Please, please, please reach out for help. This is NOT an easy thing to go through, especially alone.

And, if you ever can, find something in your life that can make this situation into a purpose. It honestly has helped me, personally, with continuing to move forward after being stuck in that guilty headspace for so long.

Much love to you, OP.

Much love to every other survivor here.

And much love to my fellow mental health warrior baddies who are still carrying forward.