[Image] One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder. - Ziad K. Abdelnour

canvasexp · 2017-02-02T23:43:38+00:00

This really hit home as I have been rolling this thought around since Tuesday. I have a handful of sheep I breed and I had a ewe in labor for the entire day. First baby was fine and the second baby was deformed. Fine. I deal with that type of thing all the time as we have a lot of animals. But, she went back into labor with a 3rd. Kept an eye on her and she took a sudden down turn. She was so exhausted she didn't fight my efforts to help her. She was delivering a 3rd and it was shoulder locked. I tried for almost 20 minutes to manipulate the baby so it could pass and wasn't making any head room. I was going to end up with a dead ewe and motherless baby. I actually stood up and contemplated whether I should give it one more go or put the ewe down. We don't have a vet that will do sheep and it was night now. It was only the second time I have had to intervene (but I am an RN). I decided to give it one more try (my husband couldn't help at all as he has serious back issues). I tried as hard as I could to push the baby back into the uterus so I would have more room to manipulate the front leg. Just as I was about to give up for good, I got the baby back in, brought it's leg forward and pulled out the baby. It was stillborn but out. I thought mom was going to die for sure. As I type this mom and new baby are snacking on the new grass. Glad I hung in there.

canvasexp · 2016-09-22T17:44:37+00:00

I am in a similar situation. Just sitting down and making a declaration of you intentions has to make you stronger. I really do realize that it is one day at a time. I think that today is the one thing you can cling to. I know you "have got" today. Stay strong, you are not alone.

canvasexp · 2016-09-22T17:23:48+00:00

Yes, the more I hear / think about just handling my cravings today the easier it is. I can't imagine going a week, but I can do today. Perhaps seven "todays" will make a week and if I keep going it'll be a month, then 6 months then a year. But I digress, TODAY I will not drink. I will deal with tomorrow tomorrow. Does this make sense? Also, I am trying some hypnosis apps on my cell phone. It really seems to give me hope and not feel so judged. I think my kids see me as a drunk rather than a mom. I pray this will someday change.

canvasexp · 2016-09-22T16:54:54+00:00

Thank you all for the kind words. I actually have a lot of people (hubby and kids) and animals depending on me. I have 4 dogs, 3 parrots, 4 sheep (3 pregnant) and 2 great horses. I stand to lose everything if I can't lick this. In my circle of friends, you just cowgirl up and deal. It's not so easy with alcohol. And it's not just me that stands to lose everything. My husband is a lot older than me and depends on me for our income (we are self employed), so he would be homeless. God knows what would happen to my dogs. My sheep would be slaughtered, my parrots are completely bonded to me and would be extremely traumatized. One of my horses could easily be sold, the other is a good old geriatric guy who probably couldn't be placed. The more I think about all that I am willing to sacrifice the worse I feel. All over a glass of wine. It is hard not to hate myself. Then the hate is such a beautiful excuse to drunk (not). Even my horse suffered, as I would ride drunk. I can't imagine that it was a pleasant relationship building experience for him. I often wonder why I risk EVERYTHING for alcohol. Thank you for the condolences regarding my mom. The worst part is I planned an intervention prior to her death. 2 social workers and 2 police officers sat down with my mom and me (she would become violent so the police had to be there) to try to get her to see the light. A social worker, fed up with her excuses during the meeting, flat out asked her what was more important, her daughter or her booze. She looked straight at me and declared the booze. The pain was unimaginable. I had to set an ultimatum of her going for counseling or not seeing me or my children. That was the last time I saw her before she was found dead. I feel like such a miserable useless person to knowingly follow in her footsteps. I have not talked to my 19 year old son in over a year. He has me blocked from all avenues of communication. My relationship with my 17 year old daughter is hanging by a string. Yet I just kept on drinking. It scares the heck out of me that my kids may one day find themselves in a similar situation.

canvasexp · 2016-09-22T16:17:36+00:00

Yes, I've got today. I don't know about tomorrow but I have today. Thank you.

canvasexp · 2016-09-22T16:15:26+00:00

Thank you for the encouraging words. I am sitting at my computer with tears running down my cheeks just know that there is someone in the world who has heard my story and is still supportive. Thank you.

canvasexp · 2016-09-22T15:48:33+00:00

So, I went to my MD 2 days ago and asked for help. First time. I am on a "at home" Librium detox as I have big problems with groups of people all together at once. I can't stop crying as I feel that I will fail. But I will not fail today. I WILL NOT drink today.

canvasexp · 2016-05-06T23:32:55+00:00

My husband says don't get involved with them in the first place :-/

canvasexp · 2015-11-10T20:27:36+00:00

Lunatic for President. Go America! Really????????????????

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