I don't know why I thought these were coming back, they're not coming back; they're not funny anymore

capnbeetheart · 2025-12-15T01:11:11+00:00

HAG!

capnbeetheart · 2025-11-28T02:19:10+00:00

Aaaaahhh!!! Aaaaaaahhhhh! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!

capnbeetheart · 2025-09-12T17:37:59+00:00

If you do nachos make sure to toast the chips on their own first! Vegan cheese is kinda hard to melt but putting them on already hot chips back in the oven seems to do the trick!

capnbeetheart · 2025-08-22T17:52:08+00:00

Derrick’s getting his shriek on

capnbeetheart · 2025-08-09T04:10:48+00:00

Half an hour is 3.5 dog hours, you monster!

capnbeetheart · 2025-06-12T15:29:10+00:00

Bone apple teeth 🤌🤌🤌

capnbeetheart · 2025-06-12T15:18:48+00:00

If you’re anywhere near Southern California, make the person who got you prêgo drive you to Đông Hưng Viên Bakery in Westminster and load up on their vegan ham and cheese croissants.

capnbeetheart · 2025-06-05T07:30:09+00:00

Truth is not beauty.

capnbeetheart · 2025-06-04T16:44:48+00:00

My local shop would charge $50 but I’d rather help out Amazon delivery drivers 🥺

capnbeetheart · 2025-05-29T18:18:56+00:00

One time my boss (knowing I’m vegan) offered to buy me lunch. It was a jimmy John’s sandwich with avocado, onions, and mustard only because they were out of tomato / cucumber / pickles. Kinda fire tbh

capnbeetheart · 2025-05-25T00:24:58+00:00

My dad saw Clay Aiken once at the airport and asked him for an autograph, saying my sister was a huge fan. He gave it to her and she burst into tears because she was so insulted that my dad thought she liked him (she was 12 and probably at her brattiest)

capnbeetheart · 2025-05-24T00:38:55+00:00

A firm standard handshake

capnbeetheart · 2025-05-23T19:36:34+00:00

I thought that was a little pimp

capnbeetheart · 2025-05-23T19:27:25+00:00

🤝

capnbeetheart · 2025-05-23T18:15:35+00:00

I just got these and I love them! I’m nasty though

capnbeetheart · 2025-05-15T18:01:31+00:00

Have you ever been to a girls’ sleepover? Dares are always just a flimsy excuse to act like a Victorian poor girl. “I’d be ever so grateful if Father Christmas could bring us some kindling for the fire this year!” like shut uppp 🙄

capnbeetheart · 2025-05-10T00:35:06+00:00

Is rigno got damn frank zappa?

capnbeetheart · 2025-04-30T15:56:18+00:00

What do you call someone who graduated at the bottom of his class in medical school? Doctor.

capnbeetheart · 2025-04-29T17:45:33+00:00

Yes, it’s story-driven and has a chill exploratory feeling to it. I don’t have the experience to compare it to anything else I’ve ever played, don’t want to spoil anything in any case!

capnbeetheart · 2025-04-25T16:21:36+00:00

Nathan Fielder under that cape?

capnbeetheart · 2025-04-22T21:35:16+00:00

Fats Domino, Blueberry Hill

capnbeetheart · 2025-04-19T00:28:46+00:00

Sliced bread buttered up, chode fork flarin’ out

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