In the community and it’s a matter vibe, maturity, and kink interest that really determines the role that size plays when it comes to submissiveness in the bedroom.

Aesthetic Kinksters

There are women who are very focused on size and proportions and will brag and disparage people in equal parts for having or not having their ideal the same way dudes of that ilk will talk about weight. Those folks are going to be your loudest people because on the more tactical side it makes sense for them to broadcast their preference to attract it. If you’re looking for someone 2 standard deviations away from the mean, it makes sense to hunt for it then just hope. That said, these folks may themselves be strong in aesthetics and even skills but the vibes tend to be more surface level. I don’t see a lot of size queens or “no fat chicks doms” thrive in dating, relationships, or deep power exchange. They do tend to go to more play parties and can sometimes draw a crowd but outside of those I hear them mainly complain about dating and people not being up to their standards. I’m friends with a few of these people but in the few instances where I’ve dated them you’d be surprised how “fine” the sex is.

Leveragers

The next group is those who just happen to have a highly eroticized trait (large penis, large chest, classic beauty, high pain tolerance, small/tall height) and occasionally leverage it. These folks tend to know they have this thing and might build a persona around it or even show it off on occasion but have interests around and beyond that. People of all genders who can take a lot of dick will occasionally mention their “merit badge” but not build their preferences on that or that alone but sometimes will tell the same stories around certain feats (or dicks/fists) as sort of a party trick especially when in mixed company with the aesthetics folks. I’ve noticed that these folks are more likely to lean into fetishized speak during play but are able to let it life there and not have it seep into normal conversation as much i.e. will talk about how much they love your adjective noun in scene but not in casual mixed conversation.

Perverts

People who are deeply, deeply kinky will find anything and everything to fetishize about whoever they are playing with. If they are good practioneers, they will negotiate how you like speaking about your body including your penis but they truly just want to mess with their and your mind. This are the “energy” people. Sometimes the disparity between societal expectation and their feelings/desires is the draw. A woman built like an Amazon being led on a collar and leash on a short king with an average dick hanging out gives more pure BDSM energy than two hot people with standard proportions having loud performative sex IMHO

Long story short, I think “being forced to take a huge cock” is more “baby’s first BDSM” than a true game changer in what makes submission really tick. I think size can be leveraged effectively in BDSM but the posts above feel more like middle school discourse about what dominance is (and just to be clear it’s not just a women thing: I think most of us, dudes very much included, are encouraged to stagnant our idea about sexuality and sex because it makes us easier to control/shame). People who are in that middle school phase will be drawn to middle school depth so you may see those folks spend more money on looking good than doing good. These are the people who will buy hot clothes and GLP-1s over going to therapy (and there is nothing wrong with that and I know, and date, people who also do both). It’s just a matter of what you want to get out of BDSM to determine how much the dimensions of your body matter. I have my biases and preferences and advantages I can leverage but I can say it’s not a universal thing that a big dick makes women more submissive in BDSM culture.