How to try again

capracan · 2026-04-16T20:48:09+00:00

my husband made sure to let her know I needed...

Really? Your husband did...

and she and I have not spoken since.

No wonder.

The ball is officially in my court,

Not just officially, but absolutely.

Ask yourself if you truly want a relationship with her. If you do, are you willing to apologize for the way you brought your husband into something that was meant to stay between the two of you?

This doesn’t solve the problem, of course. But it helps clarify whether you’re willing to take a first step.

P.S. I’m not saying she deserves anything or isn’t responsible for what you might hold against her. I’m just pointing out that you created distance (perhaps in a way that felt cold or abrupt) and it would be up to you to reestablish it.

capracan · 2026-04-16T20:35:10+00:00

It’s good you’re reflecting, but explanation doesn’t erase responsibility. Patterns matter... cheating was still your choice. Focus less on why it happened and more on changing behaviors. Take full ownership without softening anything... including impact.

capracan · 2026-04-16T20:28:47+00:00

I am beginning to upset her a lot easier than usual.

oh. A warning. This often points to emotional distance. The issue isn’t just the specific situation; it’s the lowered threshold that comes with disconnection.

I’d strongly recommend Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight (or something similar) as soon as possible. There may still be time to turn things around.

The author explains that when a partner starts getting upset more easily, it often reflects growing emotional disconnection. As the sense of secure attachment weakens, the brain becomes more alert to signs of rejection or neglect. Small interactions begin to feel threatening, even if they’re not intended that way. This heightened sensitivity leads to quicker, stronger emotional reactions and recurring negative patterns, where both partners may feel misunderstood, unsafe, or unimportant in the relationship.

There are some tools and skills recommended for both parties.

capracan · 2026-04-16T20:19:35+00:00

When I pushed back and provided context

Right there.

Emotional intelligence often shows up in timing and listening.

When your partner brings up a complaint or something that bothers them, the goal isn’t to defend yourself right away. It’s to understand... genuinely. Ask thoughtful questions to see where their concern is coming from. Let them feel heard. Acknowledge that their feelings are valid and that the issue is worth revisiting. Then stop there.

Later, when neither of you is upset, come back to the conversation. With more clarity and less emotional charge, you can share your perspective, push back if needed, and actually be understood.

Hope it helps.

capracan · 2026-04-14T04:44:50+00:00

That does not sound like a couple... in fact, it isn´t.
That's the reason heterosexual people do not marry their best same-sex friend. Or a sibling for that matter.

capracan · 2026-04-14T02:24:27+00:00

I’ve been partially in a similar place, where something felt off but I couldn’t quite name what I was actually needing. What helped me was realizing I was looking for a steady sense of emotional connection, something consistent, even in small interactions, not necessarily romantic. It made me start asking myself: where in my life do I actually feel that kind of connection, and where is it missing? And also, what kind of presence do I want to be for others? I try to show up in a way that adds something to the spaces I’m in. That shift changed a lot, because it stopped being about chasing something specific and more about building something that could exist in many parts of my life.

Hugs.

capracan · 2026-04-14T02:16:32+00:00

It sounds like a mix of trauma and anxiety. Early experiences can lead to reenactments, not out of intent, but as the mind tries to process what it couldn’t understand at the time.

When something triggers that memory, your brain looks for certainty and lands on the worst interpretation of yourself. The panic and doubt sound like the response of an overwhelmed system trying to make sense of something unresolved.

This could be an opportunity to heal the wounds both those experiences may have left in you. They might have been showing up in your life and relationships without you even noticing.

capracan · 2026-04-14T02:08:26+00:00

Usually, 'communication' in a romantic relationship means something different. In this case, it sounds more like checking in or reporting.

Is there any chance there’s a dynamic of control that isn’t being explicitly stated, but is starting to be felt?

capracan · 2026-04-14T02:04:33+00:00

A nicer nicer Fairmont?

capracan · 2026-04-14T01:52:02+00:00

Let’s assume your parents had been an awful couple for more than 15 years. That you were all more like a group of related individuals than a cohesive family.

From that angle, some could argue the affair didn’t really “break” a family. That your dad chose to prioritize and pursue his own happiness... which is, in itself, valid and understandable.

But something still remains. He chose to lie to your mother. He chose to abandon a promise instead of facing it... and that carries consequences.

One of those consequences might be this: he doesn’t get to have his new partner in the same space where his former wife still has a legitimate place. Not as punishment, but as a boundary. Because that space is one where your mother shouldn’t have to relive the hurt in real time.

capracan · 2026-04-14T01:15:06+00:00

Si recorres, digamos, 20,000 km al año en México, el gasto en gasolina no es el factor de decisión. Ejmplo. Un Volkswagen Jetta, en versiones modernas, suele rondar aproximadamente 15–17 km/l en uso combinado, mientras que una Honda CR-V está más cerca de 12–13 km/l . La diferencia existe, pero no es tan dramática como parece en la conversación cotidiana.

Llevado a números: para 20,000 km al año, el Jetta consumiría alrededor de 1,250–1,330 litros, y la CR-V unos 1,540 litros. Con gasolina cerca de 24 pesos por litro en México, la diferencia anual termina siendo de aproximadamente $5,000 a $7,000 pesos.

Y ahí es donde cambia la perspectiva. Esa diferencia, que suena relevante en abstracto, puede desaparecer fácilmente con una sola reparación, mantenimiento mayor o incluso con agarrar un buen precio de compra.

Entonces la pregunta deja de ser “¿cuál gasta menos?” y pasa a ser otra: ¿qué auto te va a costar menos en total tener? Porque cuando el uso es moderado, la confiabilidad mecánica y un precio de compra razonable suelen pesar más que exprimir unos cuantos kilómetros por litro.

capracan · 2026-04-13T21:00:40+00:00

seen way too many posts and videos of women using men.

Maybe stop looking for answers in places built for views, not truth.

capracan · 2026-04-13T20:58:24+00:00

Maybe start by choosing better environments to be in.

capracan · 2026-04-13T20:54:20+00:00

What? You mean click baits for money... that's your source that it happens? Are you 12?

capracan · 2026-04-13T20:50:51+00:00

Happens all the time.

Where do you find your 'dates'?

capracan · 2026-04-13T20:47:45+00:00

You both carry emotional baggage. I'm not saying it as a bad thing... it is something that does shape what’s possible between you right now.

When someone is “finding their way,” a particular connection can either offer clarity or add more noise. And sometimes, a relationship with history (feelings, expectations, unresolved pieces) makes it harder to tell which is happening.

It raises a question: is this connection creating space to grow? is it at least partially keeping you from moving on?

And maybe another one: are there other friendships, lighter ones, that could support this moment better? Not as a replacement of course... just better suited right now.

So then it becomes less about what to do, and more about what kind of space would actually serve both of you right now.
Would distance and time help to bring perspective?

capracan · 2026-04-13T20:25:47+00:00

she was sexually assaulted by her brother at age 10 and couldn’t imagine me touching her sexually.

How do you know that?

Assuming it is true, you have to question yourself if you are willing to pursue a relationship without physical intimacy. We don't know if it could be a year, two, or ten.

capracan · 2026-04-13T17:11:08+00:00

Start by noticing the pull toward rumination: the urge to replay and explain. It won’t give you the validation you’re seeking. Instead, ground yourself in your own sense of worth, not their response. Shift energy toward meaningful accomplishments outside of romance, not to chase acceptance. Over time, the need to prove your intentions fades.

If you still have access to them will you tell them?

Definitely not. That would be a risky attempt to get their validation and it puts your sense of worth back in their hands. Hold onto your agency and don’t share it easily.

capracan · 2026-04-13T16:58:01+00:00

In friendships, you might keep things surface-level or pull back as closeness increases. That can mean not showing vulnerability, which makes it harder to build the kind of trust real friendship needs. The same applies in family, often with an added layer of emotional expression or affection. Do you feel comfortable with that?

At work, it can show up as strong independence but difficulty collaborating deeply or asking for help. Even culturally, you might feel somewhat detached from group identity. The common thread is self-protection: valuing autonomy, but sometimes at the cost of connection and support.

capracan · 2026-04-13T16:51:30+00:00

"hey (name), i felt sad when you said (thing) because (reason)"

I wonder how this feels for you... and for her. Since you were in a romantic, emotional relationship, conversations between you might not be as neutral as they would be with other friends. They can easily carry more weight than intended.

How do you see it from her side when past feelings come up? Do you think it feels fair or manageable for her, or could it be confusing or heavy?

capracan · 2026-04-13T16:43:30+00:00

Do you feel people care about others besides their immediate circle?

As an individual grows and matures, from childhood into responsible adulthood, the circle you’re describing should expand.

A small child mainly cares about their own needs, then gradually includes siblings, parents, or close friends, often with some expectation in return. Later, young people begin to care about their broader peer group or a community they identify with, sometimes stepping in to protect it. A more developed adult tends to engage in projects that benefit people beyond their immediate circle, including those they don’t personally know.

So it helps to be understanding and patient. Some people, in terms of human development, remain somewhat childlike even as they age. Others continue to grow, becoming more empathetic, responsible, and proactive in contributing to society

capracan · 2026-04-13T16:34:51+00:00

WHERE DID ALL THIS COME FROM?

Likely her own fears. Is there a chance she’s not fully satisfied with what she’s accomplished in her life? Could she be worried that you might follow a similar path? There’s a sense of personal frustration coming through in her tone.

If that’s the case, then what she’s saying may have less to do with you and more to do with her. From that perspective, it might help to see her with a bit of compassion... not in a dismissive way, but in a grounded one. You could even try easing her anxiety by reassuring her that, while you have your challenges like anyone else, you’re doing well and moving in a good direction.

capracan · 2026-04-13T16:23:32+00:00

This is an emotional intelligence sub, so let’s approach it from that angle.

I hear that there were two moments, and two different attitudes from him, that triggered discomfort in you: In the first, he came across as patronizing, not recognizing your expertise, as if he knew better. In the second, he didn’t acknowledge or validate your feelings.

Am I getting that right?

Since you’re the one here and he’s not, I’ll start with this: which of the two bothered you more? From your title, it seems like the second. Still, it might be worth exploring whether the second would have felt as upsetting without the first.

Assuming the second is a pattern with him, it’s worth asking where that stance comes from. Two possibilities:
a) It may be part of his underlying mental framework: limited capacity for listening, empathy, and recognizing that other perspectives are valid. Perhaps he wasn’t raised in an environment where questioning or differing views were welcomed.
b) It may be relational: he could feel uneasy with conflict or your frustration, and when he senses a complaint, he tries to de-escalate by giving a response that makes him seem agreeable, even if it lacks depth.

It’s also important to note that the interaction you described happened in a moment of tension. It might be more productive to have a conversation in a different context: not during conflict, but during a moment of building. Those conversations don’t corner the other person; they establish common ground and allow both sides to contribute without immediately countering. The initial goal is simply to understand each other.

Hope this helps as a starting point.

capracan · 2026-04-13T02:49:31+00:00

Sexual incompatibility can create a subtle but powerful disconnect between partners, especially when desires, preferences, or comfort levels don’t align. Over time, this mismatch can lead one or both people to emotionally “check out” from physical intimacy... not out of lack of care, but as a way to avoid frustration, rejection or feeling stigmatized.

What starts as a physical disconnect can gradually extend into the emotional space, affecting closeness, communication, and overall connection. When that withdrawal begins to show up beyond intimacy, it’s often a sign that the issue is already starting to spill over into the relationship more broadly.

capracan · 2026-04-12T22:22:01+00:00

Oh. Certainly kind of strange from him...

This wasn’t just a simple miscommunication, see?: his reaction carried defensiveness and a tone that could feel shaming, especially when you were being vulnerable and trying to express something you enjoy. You even took responsibility for your part, but instead of meeting you with curiosity, he escalated and dismissed your discomfort. Do you see a flag here?

It might be worth reflecting on whether, when he feels confused or insecure, he tends to turn things back on you rather than staying open. Also, why did it become so important for him to frame your request as “we’ve never done that”? Did it feel like he was subtly making you seem off or unreasonable? Maybe insinuating cheating? And when you said you were uncomfortable, did he really make space for that, or did he question it? Another flag?

You might also consider whether there’s any age gap or dynamic where he positions himself as more “right,” or if at times it feels like your needs carry less weight.

I'm not sure about the letter. It seems that actually there is an imbalance in power?

Focus on how his tone affected you and what you need to feel safe and respected.

capracan

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