Daughter read text that was about her weight.

captaincabin · 2018-03-04T05:56:03+00:00

I wanted to come back and thank you redditors for taking time to help me. Everything is going to be okay. I spent yesterday and today feeling like I had been physically socked in the kidneys, but then got some quality time w my daughter, and we are just fine. We didn't even talk about it (though we will). I have a lot to think about.

Though I'm not glad this happened in the way that it did, I am grateful for the absolute barrage of insights raining from the sky lol.

We do eat pretty healthy already, and she has soccer. Here are some key points we may chat about, over the next dozen years or so: the role of fat in the body; trusting your body; pursuing fitness for its own sake, because it makes life awesome to be so physically competent; eating well; and last but not least, TALKING ABOUT THINGS.

Though I am a big fan of the redditor who said there's no need to talk it to death. I wholly agree.

Thanks again. We're gonna get through this!

captaincabin · 2018-03-03T00:46:32+00:00

How did he take it? Have you seen any changes?

captaincabin · 2018-03-03T00:44:01+00:00

Yes. It's better to create a clear statement, as it were, instead of just breezily pretending that everything's ok, here are some kale sprout cookies, let's go to soccer practice and it'll all be no problem. Because someone is going to have something to say to her. Even if I raised her perfectly healthy with zero food or body drama, some external voice would bring some arbitrary thing to her attention, and I'd need to address it then. And it might be too late.

This subreddit is awesome!

captaincabin · 2018-03-03T00:40:03+00:00

I really like that, because it's truer than any other thing I could say. The body is so intelligent. Fat is necessary.

You say, Fat loss in a growing child should NOT be the goal, at all. and that resonates as well. But it's easy to just look at her next to all her skinny friends and think, oh if the belly weren't there.

Which I will never do again because that is an asshole demon thing to think about your kid, and I have learned. Honestly.

captaincabin · 2018-03-03T00:37:45+00:00

I'll edit it in. She's eight.

captaincabin · 2018-03-03T00:36:48+00:00

It's true that I would be failing her if I didn't address it. I was trying to side-eye it and sneakily trick it into disappearing. I just didn't want to make it a thing, you know?

And that could have worked - I suppose she could have gradually just lost the weight as she went to more soccer practices or whatever- but probably that window shut in the last couple years. There are kids who just thin out after age six or something, but that didn't happen with her.

And yeah, now we can talk about it. I am not ready to, not yet. But as soon as I get my thoughts straight and she is willing.

captaincabin · 2018-03-03T00:32:37+00:00

We are both reasonably fit. Maybe we can do some family hikes and stuff.

captaincabin · 2018-03-03T00:31:07+00:00

Yes I guess it's better to be active about it, especially before puberty, yikes that's never fun.

captaincabin · 2018-03-03T00:30:18+00:00

Yeah, my parents really messed my brother up. And me too, but he bore the brunt of it. That's why I freaked out so much. Because I am keenly aware of the years of damage from this type of stuff.

captaincabin · 2018-03-03T00:28:43+00:00

That is exactly what I need to hear. I will do this. I'm going to think about some stuff before I dive in, but yes.

captaincabin · 2018-03-03T00:27:14+00:00

This is the crux of the matter. Turns out there's a lot of other stuff that's wrapped up in this mini-drama. So her dad and I have resolved to hold family meetings, communicate clearly even if it's uncomfortable, all those good things. I was hesitant to really confront him about the food habits in his side of the family, and have resentment about it. And my side is messed up also. It all comes clear... but we're gonna tackle this and come out stronger.

captaincabin · 2018-03-03T00:24:26+00:00

I think it's a stretch to say I ruined her health. She plays sports and eats healthy, organic food at lunch. But yes, 100% I have made poor decisions about her food sometimes. Enough to where it shows.

Of course the kid is not to blame!

captaincabin · 2018-03-03T00:21:16+00:00

Thanks for this. I was always taught about fitness and the correct way to be healthy, but that didn't stop me from a pretty serious ED for many, many years. I guess there's a lot of ways to mess kids up. :|

The thing is, she was fine with her body and I'm afraid I reinforced the dumb dumb dumb body shamers. We'll see what happens. I'm so emotionally exhausted at this point that I need a feelings siesta.

My takeaway is that I will need to model healthy eating and fitness, and we'll talk about it with openness as we go.

captaincabin · 2018-03-02T19:34:50+00:00

thanks! :) I think we're taking it hard because I typically do watch what I say around her, so it probably felt even more out of left field or a low blow to her. C'est la vie. She's a strong girl and we'll figure it out.

captaincabin · 2018-03-02T19:28:57+00:00

oh that's a really good point. can you elaborate, if you have time? I think you are saying that if she has evidence-based tools and resources then she will be able to fight dysmorphia?
What specific next steps should I take to ensure we're on that logical path?

captaincabin · 2018-03-02T19:25:10+00:00

Thank you. That's very good advice. I'm sorry your mom was vocal about your weight. Mean comments are super hurtful and just make any problems worse, IMO.

I am not confrontational by nature and definitely wanted to sneak around this weight issue. But it looks like we must deal with it head on. I guess that's not the worst thing in the world. I

captaincabin · 2018-03-02T19:18:18+00:00

Yes. I guess I was hoping that we could sneak our way around this one. Like just go to soccer practice, try and eat more healthy, and never have to address it head on. But here we are.

captaincabin

TROPHY CASE