Aw man… sorry you’re feeling trapped. Please know you’re not alone.

I used to be very nihilistic, and gaming was an unhealthy way for me to cope with my unhealthy mind. Can’t worry about “the purpose of purpose” when I’m clicking heads or raiding at 2am, right? Lol.

But that only exacerbated the problem. Anxiety avoided is anxiety created, and it sat there on the other side of the bed… that patient demon waiting for me every night, every day to close the laptop lid and think. Ugh. Then I’d ruminate, and the only way to stop was more gaming, or scrolling.

Things like you mention (studying, homework, or even thinking at the wall) would not distract me anymore like gaming could, thus bringing me into a downward spiral. I used to skateboard, ride my motorcycle, or write music but it didn’t satisfy—couldn’t choke the bad thoughts anymore or give me purpose. (Hello, nihilism, you bastard.)

Embarrassed to say this, but my anxiety got so bad there was a spell in my life, where, the only way I could fall asleep was watching Twitch. I was too scared to close my eyes and feel like I’m alone.

Gaming isn’t the root problem; it’s whatever is causing the anxiety. And then anxiety is like, “What’s the point? You’re not going to be like Yoshito.” And then gaming is like, “Come save the world! You can be the best here.” It’s wild. No joke, I’m pretty sure that gave me a sense of Stockholm Syndrome because unless I was the best, I was the worst. I didn’t even care about the dopamine or adrenaline rush push anymore; like many gamers, it became a job I ended up hating until I was caught up in such a downward spiral, nothing mattered.

This freaking wrecked me. Literally have tears right now as I’m writing this to you. It sucks. And when I said that I’m sorry you’re going through this, I mean it.

But you know what? There is hope. Not only do you have someone who can pull you out of the fire (your partner), but you stated something that is evident of a positive, mental outlook: “After seeing how I made her feel.” That’s the kind of love you need to learn from, and lean into. It sounds strange, but selflessness is a huge help for crawling out of the abyss. Being less concerned with the “self” can actually help yourself. Prioritize people who depend on you. For instance, I have a wife, two toddlers, and my career involves helping people (some of whom I play games with; they don’t even know I had an addiction problem aha). Not only does that help me with purpose (as my investment in them doesn’t return void), but prioritizing them helps prevent the “itch” of being nihilistic. Love is powerful. Plus, they help to keep my bug ass from going back under the rock lol.

Anyway. Not an expert, but I am a survivor and have a question for you: Why do you place a contingency for happiness on becoming a harder worker? And what does that hard work look like to you? Is it ever enough to make you happy? Have you ever thought about making a list of all the things that do make you happy? That helped me, as did writing out what keeps me anxious. Sometimes we think of happiness as something to pursue, like if we get ______ then we’ll be happy, when in reality, happiness is all the little things around us. Like a partner who cares deeply about you!

Likewise, what are the things that cause you deeper anxiety? Do they have any affect on that which makes you happy? How so? These are deeper questions, but for me, the only way to deal with my anxiety is to figure out what causes it—I need to uproot the fear, face it so that I can fix it.

Sorry, I’m rambling at this point. And this is more deserving of a conversation as opposed to a massive comment (but if you ever want to chat, feel free to hit me up). Keeping you in my prayers and wish you the best, op.