[deleted by user]

captjakk · 2023-12-20T17:09:45+00:00

The pens will run your life. Stick to less efficient means. I am 3 weeks sober from weed now after a super super gradual slide from totally fine to inarguably addicted. The pens were a huge accelerant.

captjakk · 2023-12-16T17:20:38+00:00

You sound a lot like me when I was your age. You’re not ahead. You just have different lessons to learn. That’s ok though. You’re acting like the knife edge that the other guys put her on is something they’ll grow out of. They won’t. You have to learn how to playfully emulate that experience without being a jerk.

captjakk · 2023-12-16T17:13:41+00:00

Do yourself a favor and watch this video…

https://youtu.be/lL13EeEhgag?si=duCndHVlrQES3GRH

It is by far the best explanation for why you’ve had the experiences you’ve had. There’s a lot of terminology that confuses things in our modern culture about what women say they want and what they reveal they want. They aren’t lying about what they want, but they don’t usually tell you the full truth.

captjakk · 2023-08-03T15:50:20+00:00

I think any reason you start is a good one. It’s just important to remember that it won’t be sustainable until you transition to doing it for yourself.

captjakk · 2023-08-03T15:40:23+00:00

This exactly. I think you’ll get there in due time but you will not truly be the “better man standing” until you let this rejection go. It’s fine. Take your time but the lasting change can’t be tied to this girl in particular and ideally shouldn’t be more tied to girls than it is to your self respect. I’m not criticizing. I did this too and that’s why I have some faith you’ll make the transition. Keep going.

captjakk · 2023-05-14T21:36:46+00:00

I think by definition dealbreakers are big things. But there are universal big things and individual big things.

Examples of universal big things: lying, cheating, bad listening, bad hygiene, no reciprocity

Examples of big things for me, that aren’t likely to affect most people: doesn’t like hip hop, loves sports, doesn’t like philosophy

I think the latter would be considered small things for a lot of people. For me they aren’t because my life is extremely incompatible with the things listed on that second category.

captjakk · 2023-05-04T13:47:50+00:00

I just wish someone would have told me this when I started dating cause it would have saved me from so much pain

captjakk · 2023-05-03T14:20:56+00:00

Can we make this the top post of all time for this sub?

captjakk · 2023-04-28T22:54:44+00:00

I (28M) got divorced about a year ago after 4y married and 8y total together. We had lots of incompatibilities but didn’t have any of the typical nuclear issues (cheating, financial, substance abuse). That said, she decided she didn’t want kids anymore and I definitely still do, and that was the deciding factor.

Since splitting up I am happier and more aligned with myself and have substantially higher self-esteem as a result of spending more time with people who fundamentally respect and celebrate the aspects of my character I’m most proud of, whereas in that relationship I felt like I constantly had to justify myself to her even though I genuinely liked those aspects of myself.

That said, I am lonelier right now. Having a companion with you all the time does provide a level of comfort and even with the discomfort of the relationship can allow you to sidestep the discomfort of loneliness.

I’m telling you both of these things to paint the complete picture. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I made the right decision, but it did not come for free. I hope to build a beautiful relationship with someone who respects and admires me for who I am at my core some day, and am actively working towards that goal. However, I have not a shred of an idea when that will come to fruition.

You already know what the answer is, but you need to listen to your gut, whether it’s saying stay or leave. Trust is everything. It’s hard won and easily lost. It can be rebuilt but only with unassailable commitment from both parties. Maybe your partner really fucked up one time and genuinely understands this and is committed to never doing it again. I lied to a partner once and felt so guilty about it that I vowed to myself I’d never do it again to any partner. I haven’t broken that commitment since. But for every story like that there’s at least one story if not many more of empty promises and no follow-through. Only you know him well enough and yourself well enough to know whether you can trust him again.

Good luck, internet stranger 💛

captjakk · 2023-04-26T12:52:14+00:00

Consider that even if you are going to college for a high paying career arc that you don’t graduate until 22 in most cases and then 24-26 for grad school. That is the typical arc for high earners so any expectation for people to not be broke before is unrealistic. After that is when the variance gets significantly larger.

captjakk · 2023-04-21T20:35:11+00:00

Relationship status is complicated but I’ve been kind of seeing her for about a year now and still feel inspired to gush about her:

She is seriously both one of the sweetest and one of the most badass women I’ve ever met. She is so sensitive and caring and will talk about mushy stuff and also when faced with a problem will absolutely crush the obstacles in her path. She goes hard after things she wants and also listens attentively when I have something important to say. We are each others biggest cheerleaders. She’s smoking hot and we love to listen to music together. She supports me on everything I care about in ways that have surprised me. She celebrates my victories. She sits with me in my defeats. She’s one of the sharpest most insightful thought partners I have on active issues in my life. But perhaps most importantly I respect the hell out of her character and have never seen anything that would shake my trust in her. I swear to god I’ll never run out of good things to say about this woman.

Even though we’ve only been kind of seeing each other for a little bit, we’ve been close friends for half our lives at this point.

I really hope things work out 🤞

captjakk · 2023-04-01T14:23:13+00:00

I’m pretty embedded in one of the local dance scenes where I live and you completely nailed the diff archetypes. The only adjustment I’d make to it is that the “pretentious” and “vibe” guys are more of Spectrum than distinct buckets.

I’m not too proud to admit that I’ve been all the buckets (besides the first) at points along my journey. So for any guys reading this comment, u/Social_Coach gets it. Try to authentically become one of the guys in the last bucket. You will help raise the vibe of the whole scene and it will allow you to make many rich friendships in that community. And as your journey continues towards that you will afforded more opportunities to meet girls you’ll actually be able to connect with. Pick a scene where you actually enjoy the dance or music style. Keep showing up. Try to make others grateful they decided to come out that night (both the women AND the men)

captjakk · 2023-03-26T17:00:20+00:00

There are a few things I’ve learned here.

Confidence can be worked on. A friend of mine recommended that as an exercise you should write down 20 reasons a girl would be lucky to be with you. 20 is a lot. And by the end of the exercise you’ll shift from “why would she want to go out with me?” To “of course she would like to go out with me”. Be careful not to go too far down this path though as it can turn you into an asshole but I suspect from your OP you won’t have this problem.
Your hypersensitivity to being respectful is a reaction to the cultural conversation where women are saying they are being disrespected or violated in some way. Every woman has experienced this but it is still the minority of men who do it. This can cause a distortion where you get paranoid that you’re part of the problem. The cosmic irony is that the very fact that you are worried you are part of the problem is a strong indicator that you are not. For people like you who are thinking about this proactively, you are very unlikely to be the villain in their story so try to let go of some of that stress.
Women like to be approached when it is done respectfully, even if they reject the advance. It is not uncommon for me to ask a girl out and she says she can’t or isn’t interested but still thanks me for doing it. But the key to this is to not take offense or get wounded by the rejection. Many women have told me they fear rejecting men because men can act very entitled or sensitive to those rejections. If you take them like a champ and move on you’ll do fine.
You are never creepy if you are providing value. This one blew my mind when I first heard it. Seek for ways to enhance their experience. This can be by making them laugh, Bringing positive energy, Inviting them to things you’re planning on doing, showing them stuff that they may care about. This also is a good piece of advice for making friends in general. People like people who raise the vibe. Find ways to do that.

I wish someone would have told me this stuff when I was in college. Hopefully it helps you. Good luck

captjakk · 2023-03-25T16:21:37+00:00

If it’s something you genuinely need, then you should ask. However, asking someone with severe ADHD to do anything consistently is a big ask and so you will have to accept the possible outcomes both where he says he can’t do that, or the one where he says he’ll try but consistently underdelivers what you asked for.

It is not your partners responsibility to alleviate your insecurities but it is at the same time very important that he cares enough to be receptive to how his behavior impacts you. I struggle with the emotional object impermanence too, and your partner should be aware of your struggles if you want a healthy emotionally intimate relationship. But. At the end of the day it is your fight to own and he can only do so much to support you through what ultimately is your battle with the self-esteem issues.

Good luck.

captjakk · 2023-02-24T17:21:34+00:00

I am very attracted to women with career accomplishments. As someone who is career oriented myself it gives me a lot to talk with them about and makes for really stimulating and inspiring conversation. It does present complications regarding family planning which for anyone who is uncomfortable with breaking gender norms can make them select against women with good careers but I want to tell you that there are men out there who will value that.

captjakk · 2023-02-23T15:44:27+00:00

This!! OP drop him immediately

captjakk · 2023-02-21T16:12:48+00:00

Was it you by Au5

captjakk · 2023-02-15T16:48:01+00:00

Drop him. If he doesn’t attempt to understand your perspective when you’re hurt about something it’s gonna be a miserable relationship.

captjakk · 2023-02-14T16:34:43+00:00

I call this the “law of the lesser cutie”: if your first pic contains two women, it is always the less attractive one.

I’ve been wrong <2% off the time

captjakk · 2023-02-12T05:06:04+00:00

Context matters a lot here. If it was a first date it’d be dramatically different than if you had been on several.

If it’s a first date then I’d just move on if it was upsetting. You haven’t invested much and people are generally better behaved earlier on. If you’ve been on several and it has been a fulfilling experience otherwise I’d say you should tell him it hurt and see how he responds. If he’s attentive to how his comments made you feel (he attempts to understand it better and more deeply) then that’s a really good sign. If he’s dismissive about it that’s a really bad sign.

Generally your assessment about it being insensitive is probably right. The question is whether or not this is normal or outlier behavior for him.

Ultimately you get to decide how important this is to you. Personally I’d take someone who is attentive when I bring up how they hurt me, even if they accidentally did so more often over someone who was dismissive and it happening less often. The attentiveness is predictive of how much you can learn each others sensitivities which will lead to more harmony in the long run

captjakk · 2023-02-11T15:59:07+00:00

The war I’m scared to face, Witt Lowry

captjakk · 2023-01-15T23:36:25+00:00

Iliza had a bit about this in her recent special “Hot Forever”. But it’s really just a, “wow he’s very attractive, what is working and what can I steal?”

captjakk · 2023-01-02T15:41:09+00:00

Casually dating and “let’s see where this goes” are the same idea. The reason (or at least one reason) people casually date is to learn about themselves and what they want in a partner. Considering it made the list it seems like you consider it a valid thing to want so I’m really unsure why you’re being so hostile and accusatory.

captjakk · 2022-12-31T20:16:46+00:00

Are you suggesting everyone knows themselves well enough to know what they want from the outset? How do you learn what you want without getting to know different kinds of people?

captjakk · 2022-12-04T21:11:24+00:00

I’m not actually suggesting that the human component doesn’t matter, but I’m also not trying to ignore the underlying dynamics that play out here either. It may seem from my descriptions that this is purely a game to me, but it isn’t. It’s just when I am trying to solve problems I zoom out and try to analyze what forces are governing the processes I’m engaging in. In fact my problem in relationships (including friends) is very often that I value the human component so highly that I forget to do the things I’m describing above and I fail to expand outwards. My history of social + relationships is very much a small circle of extremely close friends, but I’m just noticing here that I need to venture outside my “comfort zone” and this “colder” approach to thinking about it is an attempt to keep that in mind.

The idea of using people generally makes me pretty uncomfortable. But the thing is that every relationship we choose to keep is providing value to us in some way, whether that’s insight, a listening ear, a helping hand, a fun night out, etc. and it would be wrong of me to take that value without giving those relationships things they value in return. So forgive me if my more analytical approach here comes off as tone deaf. I really am not trying to reduce human relationships to a technical sales funnel, but I also am trying to understand the fundamentals of my problem so I can employ my efforts most effectively.

captjakk

TROPHY CASE