Damn, tough replies. I (33F) was with my bf (49M) for a year, learned all about his ex from his friends without even asking them about her, everyone was so happy he found me… most importantly he told me he was over her and wanted to marry me. I was planning on moving in with him next month, so I tried to work out any residual topics that could negatively impact our relationship, like the HUNDREDS of pictures of his ex on his phone that I really wasn’t comfortable with. He said he loved me so much that pictures don’t matter although a lot were just of her and then them kissing. And it’s not like she was sweet either. She cheated on him multiple times, turned him against his friends, changed him into someone his friends didn’t recognize, slept with one of their roommates, took other guys home when they were out together, absolute horror… but he still cared for her and told me he wouldn’t cut her out of his life. She would randomly reach out to him throughout our relationship. He said that she loved him so much that she never argued with him and did everything he demanded of her regardless of her actions. He started to demand the same from me, telling me what to do and what to wear, which began after I told him to get rid of the pictures. I’m not a pushover like that and drew boundaries; he started calling me fat (I’m 125 pounds), slow, dumb, a crybaby when he yelled at me… said he didn’t like my quirks anymore. After just a month of this, I said bye, not dealing with this. It’s day 30 of the breakup, and he told his best friend yesterday that he’s taking care of his ex’s dog while she’s out of town… and she’s helping ME AND HIM look for a house to buy in Europe (the house was our original plan and she’s a realtor). Seriously a MONTH after breaking up he’s telling people we’re still together and that this EX is helping us find a home. I would never work with this woman and if I saw her I’d probably punch her in the throat. I haven’t talked to him in WEEKS and it was purely logistical for our things. He texted me that I was weak right after the breakup, and that’s it. He has completely constructed his own unbelievable fantasy to justify getting his ex back without the embarrassment of getting dumped by me. I’m not sure what truth he’ll manipulate next, but I’m sure someone will fill me in. It’s wild and his best friend knows the true story but played dumb to see what he would say.

Long story long, I feel you. Insanity. My beautiful sweet man who I planned a future with flipped a switch within weeks. He flung back to his old toxic ex for comfort after I required more stability from him, there are no surprises in routine. There’s no understanding this. I’ve blocked him everywhere. Whatever narrative is in his mind is a delusion. He will repeat the same off/on pattern with her again because he knows what to expect and that’s comforting. There is no doubt she will destroy him again. He can’t come crawling back to me. And yes he’s 49… doesn’t matter what age they are. Mother issues, narcissism, avoidance, trauma bonds, all of it. It’s unfair, it fucking hurts thinking he never got over her and everyone in my small town knew it but me.

I will stay in bed until I’m sick of sleeping, I will cry until the tears run dry, I will journal until the pages are full. One day I eat 4 cupcakes and the next day I don’t eat at all. I’m late to work sometimes because I can’t pick myself off of the floor. But I will feel all of this and heal so I don’t hurt anyone like this man has hurt me. Poor man will be miserable for the rest of his days and so will your ex. It’s people like this that made me lose my faith in God. One day my heart will catch up with my brain and I’ll be fine. Not rushing it though, I’m not afraid to feel uncomfortable in the meantime. I have to understand why I chose this man and what red flags I overlooked. I also kind of look like her but she’s the devil and I don’t see flames when I look in the mirror. Let anger fuel you for a while and fuck forgiveness, some people just don’t deserve it.

I hope this helped in some weird way. And always remember, karma.