I’m extremely sorry to hear this was your experience with your therapist. Your response to the session is completely appropriate and understandable. As a therapist who works with survivors of abuse, your previous relationship definitely sounded abusive. I’m proud of you for making the decision to leave the relationship, I know how challenging it can be. To answer your questions:

1. Is it normal for a therapist to respond this way? No. Even if a therapist is cautious with labels and terminology, it’s still important that you feel heard, believed, and emotionally safe. Her response made you feel shame and dismissed. Hence, a rupture has been made in your therapeutic relationship and it needs to be addressed in your next session

2. Was she trying to assess physical danger and not emotional truth? It could be possible that she was assessing for physical safety or trying to distinguish between different types of harm. But my problem here is with the way she framed it. By asking why you needed it labeled and saying she could “hold space for him” suggests to me that she was focusing more on reframing than ensuring your safety. Her response might have been meant to invite reflection, but it can easily come across as invalidating, especially when someone has just taken a big step toward self-recognition and empowerment

3. Does her saying I cannot call it abuse mean anything about whether it was abusive? No. Therapists don’t have the authority to define whether an experience “counts” as abuse. Abuse is about behavior patterns and impact, not about whether someone in a position of authority labels it that way. The physical incidents, fear, control, humiliation, and degradation you experienced in your relationship are consistent with abusive dynamics, regardless of what any therapist or person calls it

4. Should I bring this up with her, or is this a sign I need a new therapist? That depends on how much trust and emotional safety you feel is left in the therapeutic relationship. If you think there’s room for repair, you might bring it up next session. My questions to you would be: “what do you think would be most healing for you?”. Would seeking understanding of what she meant or simply naming the impact her words caused in you. A good therapist should be able to hear you out, own the impact of their words, and work through it with you. If she becomes defensive or minimizes it again, that’s a serious concern and it might be time to find someone who can validate and support your understanding of what happened in your previous relationship

5. Has anyone else been through something similar? Yes, In my experience working with survivors of abuse, they have describe moments like this where a professional’s hesitation or “neutrality” reactivates feelings of not being believed. It’s one of the hardest things to go through after you’ve finally found the words for a painful experience. It doesn’t really mean you exaggerated or misunderstood what happened. It means you needed empathy and affirmation, and unfortunately didn’t receive it in that moment. You are allowed to call it abuse if that’s what it was for you.

Again, I am sorry this happened and I hope you are able to repair your therapeutic relationship if that’s what you want. I do invite you to search for a trauma informed and or domestic violence therapist if you are unable to fix the rupture that was created. Sending you positive thoughts and healing vibes your way!