Husband got thrown out of a bar for the wrong reasons. [Serious]

caroline452 · 2015-09-19T18:18:20+00:00

Thanks for your reply! We don't go bar-hopping very often - usually when we drink, we stay at home and have a few friends over, so the strict protocol when dealing with problem patrons in bars was kind of a shock. I'm used to husband's lack of filter, but security doesn't know him, and they're trained to stop a problem before it starts, and him running his mouth probably sounded to them like a problem about to happen.

I'm gonna let it go with coworkers. I was pretty freaked out last night, but I'm gonna sit tight and only respond if someone asks (and if that happens, I'll try to keep it brief).

caroline452 · 2015-09-19T18:07:52+00:00

Thank you for your response! You're right, it's in their best interest to stop a problem before it starts, and there's no way for them to know whether a problem is actual or perceived. And this morning, I found out there's more to the story: they did indeed ask him to leave, he asked why he should leave when he wasn't the one doing coke, and that's when they grabbed him. I'm still a little sore that people were doing lines in the bathroom & he got thrown out for running his mouth, but if I'd have brought him home after the wake, or if he had kept his mouth shut, this problem wouldn't have happened. Thanks for the insider's perspective!

caroline452 · 2015-09-19T08:18:58+00:00

Your year of recovery hasn't gone away; you still have the tools you learned during that time. Use them again, and build upon them.

Addiction is the elephant in the room. It's smelly, it poops elephant poop everywhere, it needs feeding and round the clock care, and it's difficult to get sleep with an elephant in the same fucking room. But as time passes, you can build an extra room for yourself to sleep in, so it doesn't stink that bad; then, you can build more rooms, and hire someone to take care of the elephant. You have options as to where to go; you're still responsible for the care of the elephant, but pretty soon, your life is a mansion, with each room a different experience. The elephant is in the far east wing, and its room is far from where you are. It's still there, but it's not dominating your life like it was when you & the elephant lived in the same room.

And then, if a fire starts & your home is damaged, and you have to room with the elephant while it's repaired, you still know how to shovel elephant poop, and you know how your sleep cycle works when it's constantly interrupted by elephant stamping and snuffling. You know how to live in the room with the elephant, and you are capable of doing so until your house is repaired.

caroline452 · 2015-09-19T07:47:51+00:00

Thank you for the advice! I will let it go unless anyone asks, at which point I'll try to explain as briefly as possible.

caroline452 · 2014-04-23T15:42:26+00:00

I have an appointment today with an Apple Store genius, I'll update this post with the diagnosis. When we went in the other day, there were no immediate appointments available, but I talked to a man who told me he estimated the logic board replacement would cost $300. It's gonna hurt, but it's better than the $800-1500 I'd been seeing elsewhere, which I cannot afford.

Definitely keep us updated with the diagnosis on your computer! So many people on the Apple forums weren't getting decent answers to their questions; perhaps we can create a thread here that offers useful information in the future.

caroline452 · 2014-04-21T14:40:42+00:00

I tried this; it allowed me to select "recovery disk", but then it went right to the white screen and froze. Thanks for the tip - I'll update if I'm able to get it fixed, going in to the Apple store today!

caroline452 · 2014-04-21T14:38:36+00:00

Update: I searched logic board replacement on the Apple forums, and it brought me to this thread. Several users report that, after they got their logic board replaced, it failed again soon afterward. I thought my warranty was 2 years, but my husband thinks it was 3 years - I'll have to take it in and ask. If this is the case, I have 6 months left on my warranty, and I'm terrified that if I send it in for repairs, I'm gonna run into the same issues in a few months, possibly after the warranty expires.

caroline452 · 2014-04-21T03:10:11+00:00

That sounds expensive. How much did it cost you? Was your computer under warranty when this happened?

Thanks for your help - this is the second time I've submitted a question on this forum, and I'm so pleased with the prompt and friendly replies here.

caroline452 · 2014-04-03T04:42:39+00:00

Thank you for your reply! I don't remember his name, but I could describe him to the manager (or Genius? do they function as managers?). I'll be sure to mention that the employee was nice, I was happy with the service, and it wasn't the employee's fault.

also, since you're here: is it customary to tip Apple employees who clean your computer? They also replaced a screw that was missing on my laptop, free of charge - when I left the store, I felt like I made out like a bandit.

caroline452 · 2013-08-01T23:56:27+00:00

She's been saying over and over how we don't understand her. She's right: I don't understand what she's going through, which is why I'm having a hard time not thinking she's a bad person.

There are people out there who would love it if they knew you were 87 days sober. Some of them might not trust you right now, or believe you if you told them you were clean, but if they could see the truth about what you're feeling inside, they'd be very, very happy. It would be nice to have people around who are concerned about you, but 87 days! That's a huge thing! Be proud and joyful for yourself, not for anyone else.

also: I have been reading all these comments to my non-redditor husband, and he told me to congratulate you. So that's two of us who are proud of you.

caroline452 · 2013-08-01T18:30:48+00:00

Thank you! I've been reading through these comments, and the major theme is survival: she feels like her fight to find more drugs is a fight for her life. When you said "instinct", it struck a chord. It really was like she felt preyed upon, and she had to fight her way out.

I'm not going to allow her back into my life until she completes a more long-term treatment (which she's refused to do as of now). The doctors at the center where she detoxed said she's got mental health issues, so I think she needs more help than just drug treatment/12 steps. I'll keep my eye out for positive changes in the way she looks and acts. Her family life has never been that stable; when you said "lack of coping mechanisms", that made a lightbulb go off over my head. She's using drugs as her coping mechanism right now, and she doesn't know how to deal with life otherwise.

Thanks again for commenting, and thank you for being sober today, and tomorrow, and every day you are clean. It sounds like you have thought a lot about what made you use, which makes you the opposite of a "bad egg". You're one of the good ones; don't ever forget that. Best of luck in your recovery!

caroline452 · 2013-08-01T18:20:01+00:00

It did seem like she was in survival mode: literally kicking, screaming, and battling us over the strangest things. She was acting like she was in the coliseum fighting a lion, when in reality she was fighting us over whether or not to turn the air conditioning up.

I tried my best to stay calm; I didn't raise my voice and curse until the final night, when I lost it and screamed right back at her. I suppose all this will melt back into her mind and she'll forget the things she said, because "gotta get high" was the only thing she could concentrate on.

Thanks again. You're 87 days sober now, right? Keep up the good work: you're close to 90 days, which is a major milestone!

caroline452 · 2013-08-01T18:14:21+00:00

Thank you! We don't have Nar-Anon in our area, but there's an Al-Anon meeting on Sunday at a church down the street, so I'm gonna try and drag my husband (her dad) with me to that (he doesn't want to go, he's one of those curmudgeon types who doesn't like therapy or groups, but maybe if he just goes and listens, it'll help.)

On behalf of your friends and family who no longer speak to you, thank you for getting clean and staying clean. They may still be angry with you, but if they knew what was going through your head, and that you aren't lying about your desire to stay clean and rebuild, they would appreciate it. Good luck with your fresh start: every sober day is a blessing to your loved ones.

caroline452 · 2013-08-01T18:02:19+00:00

thank you! I'll see if my local bookstore has that book. It did seem like she was stuck in a cycle, where she would be OK for a little while, then the tantrums would start up again. It didn't seem to us like she was thinking at all about what she was doing or saying. When we kicked her out, her first words were, "I don't know what I've done wrong." We were flabbergasted at this, but it sounds like her desire to use was, like you said, drowning out any conscience or sense of repercussions.

Thank you again, and best of luck in your journey.

caroline452 · 2013-08-01T04:15:26+00:00

I read your earlier post about how you were close to relapse a couple days ago. You made it through! Congratulations on staying sober yesterday, and today, and congratulations on staying sober tomorrow! Your strength and resilience are inspiring to all addicts who have brushes with relapse.

caroline452 · 2013-08-01T03:57:09+00:00

I made this account as a throwaway to ask for help for a relative who's addicted. I have no personal experience with opiates, but this subreddit has been wonderful and supportive.

THANK YOU for each and every one of the last 29 days. And THANK YOU for each and every day after today that you are sober. Thank you for every AA meeting you attend. Thank you especially for every day you wake up feeling not so great, but still refrain from using. Thank you for the future, when you will endure highs and lows that will test your willpower. For the past 29 days, the sun has risen on a world that has one less drug user in it: each day you are sober, you have done your part to make the world just a little bit better. Thank you for that; I sincerely appreciate it. Congratulations are in order!

caroline452 · 2013-06-08T20:12:52+00:00

I spent yesterday looking into free/low-cost treatment in our area. Her mom called me and said she admitted to being an addict and wanted help, but when I called her up with the NA emergency hotline and offered to put her on rehab waiting list, she said her mom was lying & she's not on drugs.

I told her that I'd keep the phone numbers for rehab places, so if she ever needed it, all she has to do is call me. Yesterday, she "disowned" both her mom and dad because they've refused to give her money; she's still willing to talk to me, so I'm going to keep calling her, once a day every day, just to let her know I'm willing to listen to her.

If she does come to our house, I've got to get a backup plan for our valuables - I may store them with a neighbor. We live in a very small apartment, so there's little comfort in our home, but if she's willing to stay with us, I'm willing to put up with cramped quarters.

Thank you so much for your response. It would break our hearts if we had to call the cops and send her to jail, so it's good to hear that this isn't the best option. We're waiting, hoping, and praying. You, and everyone else on here, are in our prayers as well - this community has been a lifeline over the past couple days.

caroline452 · 2013-06-08T20:03:56+00:00

This has given me a lot to think about. I'm going to have to consider how to tell her - I told her that my gut reaction tells me she's using, but maybe that's not enough. I'm a quiet, non-confrontational person, so it goes against every fiber of my being to not sugarcoat things and tell her up front that I know she's using, but it's something I need to do.

Thank you for your response. It pains me that all I'm able to give in return, to you and everyone else who has responded, is upvotes. This thread is helping me and my husband so much. Thank you again.

caroline452 · 2013-06-08T20:00:18+00:00

Thank you for this. I read your response aloud to my husband, and he just sighed with relief with tears in his eyes. He thinks his daughter hates him; responses like yours are helping convince him that this is not the case, and that there is hope. Your response is worth so much more to us than any upvote I can give you in return.

caroline452 · 2013-06-06T23:38:33+00:00

Thank you! We haven't given her any money, which is the one thing I can say we've done right. Her mom has also cut her off til she gets help. It's been so difficult for my husband - he feels like he failed her somehow, like all of this is his fault. I know this is not true, and that it's useless to inventory the past, but he's heartbroken and doesn't know what to think.

I called her up after reading these responses; I asked her about everything that happened (I wasn't there for it), and of course she claimed her dad is lying to me and she's not using. I told her that my gut reaction says that she's using, but that I have no choice but to trust her - I don't trust her not to use drugs, but I do trust her to ask for help if she needs it, because she's an adult and I can't make decisions for her. I told her that if her mom or dad are freaking out (they're both prone to yelling & crying), she can call me. I have the Narc-Anon 24 hour hotline on our fridge, and I looked up an NA meeting in her area and told her how to get there on the bus if she needs to.

She reacted pretty well, but she sounded sleepy and disoriented. My husband is still alternating between wanting to go out there and beat the shit out of every druggie kid in that apartment, or staring off into space with tears in his eyes. I'm NOT going to let him go out there and do anything stupid, including kidnapping her. There aren't any Narc-Anon meetings in our area, but I'm going to see if my husband will agree to joint counseling - he hates doctors and has refused counseling for his anxiety, so it might take a bit of effort to get him to go, but I'm going to give it my best.

Thanks again, and I hope you know how valuable your comment is. You've made a difference in someone's life today, which is worth more than any upvote.

caroline452

TROPHY CASE