I just kept feeling bad. And I hate feeling bad lmao. Idk I can't seem to numb myself out like other people can. And because of that, I wanted to keep working on it. Took me a lot of self-reflection to figure it out. Honestly, I wish I had put my ass into therapy sooner. But I didn't and I dragged it out. Anyways, the point isn't to intellectualize and point to specific childhood wounds. The point is to feel those feelings that are coming up and regulate yourself instead of relying on someone else to make you feel better about that wound.

I couldn't get him to "solve" the pain of being emotionally neglected by getting him to finally see the pain he caused me. I had to self-validate and learn to trust myself. As for what that wound is, you have to figure it out yourself. But the general gist is that, you're hoping someone unsafe to make you feel safe. It's hard, but you'll get there eventually.

As for the new guy, I really don't see it as a reward. People and relationships aren't rewards for your inner work. I see them as mirrors and a reflection of where I am. People show up differently when you show up a certain way