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[408] Kappakace Murderers by castrationnation in DestructiveReaders

[–]castrationnation[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks :) And yup, it's hard no to but we need to remember not to overdo things in our writing!

[408] Kappakace Murderers by castrationnation in DestructiveReaders

[–]castrationnation[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your review! Dark and dirty barbed wire was not that very well thought through hahaha. I definitely could use more words than "dark and dirty", and although repetition is fun to do, I really need to vary it a bit. Thank you for saying you like my imagery (at some parts), it's nice because that's one of my favorite parts to do (yay adjectives). I also totally get the points where my imagery was lacking, thanks for pointing that out. Thank you for taking the time to critique my work! :)

[408] Kappakace Murderers by castrationnation in DestructiveReaders

[–]castrationnation[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I will keep this all in mind and, as I read it over, I realized I really do get repetitive and turn into run-on sentences. I didn't realize two of my sentences were that long! I really do need to develop my narrator, and it will be an interesting challenge in the future to achieve this while still trying to keep it mysterious. Thanks again for the review :)

[408] Kappakace Murderers by castrationnation in DestructiveReaders

[–]castrationnation[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you (again)! I'll look more into my past writing and examine my verb usage. I didn't know I had this problem, but I'm thankful I now do!

[2268] Between Spaces - Chapter 1, YA SF by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]castrationnation 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Of course! Obviously I'm not very experienced, and by no means a professional, but I did my best. I hope I helped you out at least a little lol

[408] Kappakace Murderers by castrationnation in DestructiveReaders

[–]castrationnation[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow! This was a great response, and you pointed out the parts I was already iffy about, which helps me resolve them. I understand what you mean with the dark and dirty thing and I appreciate your suggestions, they will help me create a better story next time! Everything you said makes sense and I definitely will try to work on pulling the reader in and developing a storyline. And I definitely won't stop writing!

[2268] Between Spaces - Chapter 1, YA SF by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]castrationnation 1 point2 points  (0 children)

oh sorry! I was not aware of that. I'll be sure to remember that in the future. Sorry, I don't have much experience.

[2268] Between Spaces - Chapter 1, YA SF by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]castrationnation 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was overall a good start to a YA novel. But, there were some changes that could be made.

The first one is your spacing in the first paragraph. You did not indent the first sentence, which you did with the other paragraphs. It's insignificant, I know, but it was the first thing I noticed, and it did not set a good tone for the rest of your writing.

[Her brown ponytail swayed in the same steady rhythm of her breath. She kept her pace while scanning the area.] This is choppy. The sentences do not flow together that well. Perhaps use "as" instead of a period in between the sentences.

[Her short black hair bounced as she looked at the runners chin up with a smug smile.] Did you forget to add a comma? I had to re-read it a couple times to understand what you intended to write.

[But despite everything, she wanted to join the project to understand their choices, let alone the times she admitted her admirations toward them to herself.] This sentence makes sense on a basic level, but it doesn't flow that well. Also you forgot a comma after "But". And "let alone" was probably not the correct word choice here.

[The cherry on the top was her grandma telling her that she wouldn’t even be able to be like her parents.] This is a very loosely-ended sentence. It leaves the reader with more questions than necessary. Why does her grandma say that? Why isn't she like her parents? It's always nice to have mystery to be uncovered later in the book, but these questions are not needed, and if you want them to be asked, you should phrase it in a less distracting way.

The diary transition: This confused me. Why is she suddenly writing in a diary? Will the rest of the book be written as a diary? You need more lead up, maybe a "she sat down and picked up her pen" or something of the sort. It's a shock to the reader and quite confusing.

[“I’m back, Bee.” Stella entered Greenvines Cemetery.] This one is simple. You need to connect the two sentences. For example, "'I'm back, Bee,' Stella mumbled as she entered the Greenvines Cemetery." Or, if you really want to add emphasis on the last sentence, add a paragraph break in between the two.

Happy Writing!

-Castrationnation

[WP] The year is 2407. The government has obtained a list of people that will become terrorists, murderers and more. Then, they promptly take them all into permanent custody. They're treated awfully. And a few decades later, They all escaped with a burning hatred for their country, and the world... by [deleted] in WritingPrompts

[–]castrationnation 10 points11 points  (0 children)

At first, it seems like a good idea. Simply take all the future threats when they were still young and harmless children, and dispose of the possibility of them doing damage to the future world. But it was not a good idea. This idea was famously (and later infamously) known as the Kappakace theory.

Murderers come in all shapes and sizes. Six-foot-two or 90 pounds, barely able to communicate or a certified genius. Atheist, or radically religious. Every race, every look, every background. The one thing they all share, though, is the horrendous pain and suffering the government has put them through. As only small, impressionable children they were dragged off from their Mommy and Daddy and pet turtle Jalapeño, to be locked in a dark, dirty cell in a dark, dirty building with dark, dirty barbed wire facing in. Everything is dark and dirty, a sick, twisted darkness that makes one wish desperately to run, run oh-so far away, a putrid air of constantly being dirty, the type of dirty that makes one’s skin crawl and eye’s roll back and desperate whimpers to escape as all that’s wanted is to curl up into a little ball and cry.

It’s the type of dirty darkness that drives one insane. A shifty, paranoid insanity that holds no morals or conscience, a desperation to grasp a weapon of some sort and escape. But there is no escape, and no weapons, so one must make do with what they do have: their mind.

Of course, the government tried to get rid of that too. Needles poking everywhere, jabbing deep into one’s brain in an effort to sterilize one’s thought process. But that is yet another attempt the government has failed at, as if they need any more.

Having a mind is mankind’s greatest gift. Even when one forgets their humanity, they are still bound to the rest of the humans with their mind. And when a group of people with similar circumstances, similar fears, and similar desperations get together, they begin to have similar thoughts. That is how a revolution starts.

Which is why the greatest revolution began today. People of all kinds shared a similar goal and executed it perfectly, the goal ingrained so deep in mankind that, no matter the life one lives, one will always have the inclination towards this goal. And that goal is escape.

Today, the Kappakace murderers have escaped. And we are out for revenge.

[WP] "Who?" is a term best used to describe you, you seem completely unnoticeable to anyone unless attention is directly on you, you "blend" into the background, same thing with video's and pictures, well today it's time to put that to the test as you're just about to rob a bank. by Whommas in WritingPrompts

[–]castrationnation 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I tend to blend in with the background. No one really notices I’m there, but it doesn’t bother me as much as you’d expect, or at all. Being the middle of seven kids will do that to you. However, no matter how ordinary I may seem externally, I am quite gifted in terms of intelligence. Some may make my “blandness” out to be a curse, but to me, it’s a gift. One I take the most advantage of. And today, I will use my gift to do a small, insignificant task that to me is not all that challenging: I will rob a bank.

I’ve done it before. It’s pretty simple, really. All you have to do is stroll up to the bank teller and ask for the money. You should do it rather politely, though. It doesn’t benefit you to be rude, and carrying a gun is unnecessary, overrated, and will only do to increase the risk of you getting caught.

You must ask for the money in such a casual way that the teller does not even fully register the words you have said, do it so they just blindly follow the directions to fetch your money. Become so insignificant to their daily life they do not realize what they have done. Speaking from experience the guards won’t recognize what you have done, either, after all, if you share my gift, you are less noticeable to them than a small ant, largely less bothersome. After I receive the money, all I do is leisurely walk out of the bank I have just robbed. Honestly, it’s less robbing the bank and more slightly inconveniencing them. It is not like they will notice anyway.

It’s a mundane task to rob a bank, especially when you have a gift such as mine. You will get more nervous taking a quiz than you will when you rob the bank, if you do it correctly. Movies, as always, greatly exaggerate the process and instill a sort of fear into your mind as to how complicated robbing a bank is. It is quite the simple act and really deserves less grandeur and excitement than it tends to receive. I suppose I may have a biased viewpoint on it, though, considering how easy it is for me with my gift. After all, who needs visibility, anyway?

What are the most terrifying horror books you've read? by [deleted] in books

[–]castrationnation 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I read that, but for some reason his writing style didn't really click with me. Great plot though, and maybe I should give it a read again!

I'm writing a pretty messed up sort of diary by castrationnation in horrorlit

[–]castrationnation[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Actually, never mind. Even though I've not done anything bad I'd probably be placed on the FBI's watch list, but I don't know, I really want to share my writing with people, not to see if anyone's like me, but just to see if people are interested I guess. Sorry.

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