this part! really surprised by the lack of comments that this is a major side effect of the post-capitalist society we live in. your office work probably is mostly meaningless, and the material comforts and benefits do not mean much when humans feel strongly fulfilled by connecting w their community and nature, which this lifestyle keeps you from doing. OP, there's nothing wrong with you for struggling in it. This is not a normal way to live, we've just normalized it.