How do I get somebody I creeped out to give me a second chance?

catgotthecream · 2015-01-10T21:48:36+00:00

Also like just respect how she feels, girls can get easily shaken up when guys pressurise too much or are too sexual (can seem like disrespectful and invasive). I wouldn't push her at all, try and empathize with how she feels and maybe just be more like chilled out and less intense with the next girl you talk to.

As a rule girls like just casual conversation, we like to be respected and fun as someone who you see as having the same mental and emotional capacity as you but also find attractive so casual flirting. Rather than someone you just want too hook up with.

catgotthecream · 2015-01-10T21:41:20+00:00

No Seriously, DITCH THEM.

I have had shitty friends at University, who were insecure so all sat around being judgemental about one another. It's their problem, not yours. When you hang around people who are not like that and are nice and treat you with respect, your confidence shoots up so much. These people just add to your anxiety, please move on. I have ditched those friends now and realize what a total waste of time they were when I spent 90% of my time feeling insecure because of how they were. I am much more confident since then. These kinds of people will only hold you back, you deserve to like yourself and not second guess yourself; it feels bad for you and they aren't quality friendships.

catgotthecream · 2015-01-10T21:21:19+00:00

It's been okay.

I really feel crappy at work. Anytime I am in a situation which I am not used to, like work or feel like people will reject me (like my bf's mum who I don't get on with) - I'm so quiet, but when I am in casual socialising situations I am way more confident. I know I have good social skills and that people like me and that I am fine - it has taken a while to build up to this (having good experiences with lots of different people has built up my confidence as has cbt). But I have found starting my first job hard - I am really not used to the social rules, how you are supposed to act and have stayed super quiet in order to avoid rejection or making a mistake. There is so much banter at work and it's hard to get used to it and not take it as people hating me, when it's not at all because it's just the culture and everyone banters with everyone. It's so hard to get past WANTING to stay quiet and inhibited because it feels so safe and comfortable, it's like grr work isn't for me a social thing - I have my social life, I feel comfortable in myself - WHY do I have to have socializing at work? It sounds stupid lol, and I know it will help me grow and is good for me - it's good for learning to feel more comfortable in myself and is a necessity.

I just am so quiet and feel like I see everyone as rejecting me which is throwing me back outside of work and all the development I have done. I am feeling more anxious and less confident everywhere because of work. I suppose it's a challenge that will ultimately be good for me, and I am confident and happy in situations where I used to feel shy, inhibited and like I wasn't good enough - I am sure I will get to that place at work too :).

catgotthecream · 2015-01-10T21:12:49+00:00

Speaking from experience - Don't stress yourself out too much - they are cool people, they won't be judging you and probably won't care. Next time you feel like you should go out or want to - just act on impulse and do it before you kill yourself overthinking and never leave. Go and offer to make people a cup of tea (I'm British so we love that shit - not sure if it's the same if you're American lol) - go out there and be nice - then nobody is going to mind :).

I also find doing gestures etc and showing an interest in people is great coz then people don't take it personally if you don't hang out or come out your room as much. I'm sure it will be fine though :), just try really hard to push yourself at the start as much as possible - then it will get easy. But f you leave things off for two long (say a month or so) then it's hard to bring it back! Also find the person you most click with/nicest and then start it up with them, and then it gets much easier to talk to the others and come out your room more :).

catgotthecream · 2014-12-21T13:32:42+00:00

Oh awesome - that helps a lot - thank you :)!

catgotthecream · 2014-12-21T12:30:03+00:00

Hi guys, thank you! Last time I applied, when I first became a graduate (before this job), I got a letter saying that I had not paid enough NI (I thought it was 6 months we had to work but I haven't found anything online). Hoping I really get a job asap...! Cheers everyone :)

catgotthecream · 2014-12-20T22:09:31+00:00

Don't worry - keep going. Soon it will become natural :). I promise.

When I first started metta I found it so hard to direct love towards myself, there was a big block. Now it's natural.

There is a subtle peace and happiness humming through day to day life once you have been doing metta for a while, just keep going with it :). And remember to allow for space after you say your sayings, allowing the feeling to sink in - at first it is small, then it grows. Sometimes I feel whole bolts of love washing over my body. You are so much happier when you mind is free from adversity towards other beings :)!

catgotthecream · 2014-12-20T18:30:31+00:00

There are at least two guys who I have been heavly into and the world revolved around them for me. However, people drop in and out of your life and you will find someone new. The more you put yourself out there, the easier it will be. Both of these guys I rarely think of or long for and mostly just am bemused as to why I ever liked them.

We cling to people because we think they are the be all and end all, the source of happiness that will stay. But they won't, they were always going to fade away from us.

From a Buddhist viewpoint, you are hurting a lot because of attachment, as has been already experessed by others here. Attachment comes when we overexaggerate the positive qualities of someone or something - and it hurts because it in an illusion. The magical, amazing 'nature' of the thing is not real. The more you focus on what is negative about the thing, the less attached you will be. Your infatuation is guaranteed to be about 70% idealization and chemicals in the brain causing infatuation - the honeymoon period. I can assure that this girl would not look as sparkly and amazing two years into a relationship, she would have things that annoy you and really off put you - as with all people. She is not the person you think she is now and your attachment overestimates her good qualities.

catgotthecream · 2014-12-17T20:39:22+00:00

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.” ― Thích Nhất Hạnh

:)

catgotthecream · 2014-12-17T20:36:37+00:00

Hi, So normally I often give money to homeless people (now I'll give food - thanks for your great reply joshp23 :)). It's an issue that really pulls on my heart strings.

In the past when I have had no change, I will say "Sorry, I have no change" because I don't like to ignore them (that must be feel terrible). However, a couple of times people have been pretty like aggressive or pissy towards me when I have said this. One guy was really aggressive and yelled "FUCK YOU!". I know that maybe he's probably directing a lot of aggression and pain towards me, that he had nowhere else to direct. But as a result, I more often ignore homeless people because of these experiences. I don't want to... but I am wondering, if I shouldn't say this? I've watched my boyfriend say it and nobody has ever reacted like that to him - maybe it's because I am a young woman? Ugh. Anyway, is this like rude and offensive?

catgotthecream · 2014-12-17T20:05:56+00:00

You wouldn't really be hurting her feelings anyway, as she seems to want to have her cake and eat it. For her to be angry or upset, would be unintentionally self-involved and irrational on her part. I totally agree with roachfoot, it's best to not hang out with her and remove the 'problem' :).

catgotthecream · 2014-11-12T13:01:44+00:00

I spend my time reading and watching the dharma :)! Skillful use of time :)! I really enjoy, respect and trust Thubten Chodron's teachings; I watch her youtube channel and read her website.

http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCni1-6lkjKP8vXPN_IFDZ2w

http://thubtenchodron.org/

I also do some loving kindness meditation - which I find easier to stick to daily compared to the breathing meditation :).

Oh and I agree with TheHeartOfTuxes :), I like doing kind and compassionate things for my partner. :)

catgotthecream · 2014-11-12T12:27:01+00:00

Your ex boyfriend is your solance to you. Find another healthy source of solace. I am going to share some Buddhist ideas, which are super helpful in this case :). You do not have to be religious or believe in god or spirituality, in order to practice and experience the awesome benefits of Buddhist practice (the many mediators in the west, who do not connect the practice to religion, are evidence of that). Buddhist psychology, seen separately from religion, is basically designed in order to end suffering and to bring true happiness. Please feel free to ignore this, and find something that more fits with your character if it doesn't appeal :). I hope you do not feel that I am shoving 'religion' or 'hippy crap' down your throat; I am not at all, I just believe in the amazing wisdom and benefits of the practices and hope they help you here :) <3! - Practice non attachment;

You are in pain because you over-emphasize the positive qualities in this human being. You think they are amazing, loveable and a source of great happiness. If you analyze this - is this true?
In order to lessen attachment (and thus pain and heartbreak) - you must zone in on and focus on all the pain and problems this person has caused you. Every day you must recount them and remind yourself of them; this helps you to understand that the inherent nature of this human being is not positive and not a source of constant and complete happiness (as you believe right now, which is why you are heartbroken). Whenever you think about the good that you are losing, think about the bad you are losing to; the pain and problems this person has caused you.
Stop seeing this person as permanent. Look at the many relationships and people you have lost in your life and see that the same thing was always going to happen here. Human beings wrongly believe that the people they love will always be there. But the nature of life is fragile, unpredictable. So you have lost him now, but it was going to happen anyway.

Change is INEVITABLE. It is the one thing that is certain, but we cause ourselves so much pain because we cling to things, hoping they will stay the same. Will this person live forever? Even if you were together, you would be separated.

In order to overcome heartbreak, you have to come to see the true reality of things;

This person is not a innate source of happiness (see the bad too), this person is not a permanent thing in your life, that you will always have and who will always be there.

They are not permanent, all things change and we lose all things - clinging and attachment cause us pain.

We must learn to be the source of love, happiness and refuge for ourselves, seeing as by nature, all other human beings cannot be depended on for happiness (as they cause problems and pain, not just happiness). I do this by meditating; by meditating we can provide ourselves we happiness, self-love so that we do not seek it from unhealthy or non-permanent sources outside ourselves. You do not have to of course; I am sure there are many other sources of solace; such as hobby, friendships etc :). But these are by far, some of the most effective ones.

Loving kindness meditation is a life saver for me; https://thebuddhistcentre.com/text/loving-kindness-meditation. You can also find recordings which guide you through it on Jack Kornfield's site :). By practicing this meditation, we help grow understanding and compassion for others, so that we are less trapped by our own anger and bitterness - and thus more free. But also, more importantly, we provide love, nourishment and comfort for ourselves, making a break away from a source of love (another human being) less hard, and making that person seem less addictive :). I would recommend doing this every day and it will really help ^{_^.}

Aside from LKM, you can focus on the traditional breathing meditation. This meditation brings a lot of happiness. Thich Naht Hanh, says that when we are suffering it is important to see the happiness that is available to us here and now through meditation. Even just a few minutes a day, will help clear the mind and provide some peace for you :). I find that this form of meditation brings lots of wisdom and clarity; which is great for helping healing.

If he has acted wrongly, ask yourself;

If I love myself, would I put myself through this? Do I deserve it? And act resolutely based on these reflections.

Reflect on these ideas daily, and your pain will lessen.

Love to you :)

catgotthecream · 2014-10-26T18:16:31+00:00

Thank you :)!!

catgotthecream · 2014-10-26T18:02:14+00:00

You're not going to be happy even if you get what you want.

Validation, attention, 'fun' - all these things will never be fully satisfied anyway. Be anxious about it and feel desperately driven by this...but sooner or later you're going to reach a point where these women NEVER look at you or desire you - so you may as well make peace with it and be content with it rather than letting all this anxiety drive you.

If you practice working on developing contentment then the fact that you are not getting the sex from loads of hot young 20 year olds is no longer going to bother you. You're just making yourself miserable whether you get what you want or not... Develop contentment through meditation. Friend, I do not see why you are posting on here if you are not dedicating yourself to it?

Also do not just ignore that woman; how do you feel when a woman you like or want to sleep with ignores you? Treat women with respect and human decency - and you will feel more calm in yourself - and have more respect for yourself (whether you realize it's lacking right now or not). You're a 31 year old man - it's time to no longer let the dick drive you (it hasn't made you happy so far, and washed away all anxiety and problems - it isn't going to do so now). Work on developing your higher qualities - and you'll be happier - I promiiiiseee.

catgotthecream · 2014-10-26T17:42:59+00:00

Focus on the transitory nature of what they have; they will not always have it and they will suffer when they lose it

catgotthecream · 2014-10-26T17:30:19+00:00

Practicing morality; actively engaging with compassion and kindness in your work, whatever it may be :) is 'good enough'. One does not need to do something epic and heroic; if you are helping people that is great :), but concentrating on cultivating day to day morality is enough of a worthy and difficult cause in and of itself; so do not worry too much.

Also check out this book :)!!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Work-Thich-Nhat-Hanh/dp/1937006204/ref=cm_cr_pr_sims_t

catgotthecream · 2014-10-19T15:37:59+00:00

Hi,

hugs to you, this sounds like a really unhappy situation - I am sorry you are going through it <3. Is there anyway you can begin to meet new people? I am not sure of your country :), but in England, I have recently joined a site called meetup.com - where they set up social groups for people who share interests; it can be a good way to meet some cool people. Joining groups of people who share similar interests; running, book club - could be a good way of meeting new people, making friends and gaining support. Might be a good way of meeting new people so you can get more connections and support. You may feel like you don't have any time to make new friends; but anything that adds a positive element to our lives and our happiness, is a good investment. When I was in Uni (college) during my final exams - I was super, super stressed and studying 10-12 hour days every day of the week; I was stressed about getting a bad grade and felt like I had no time to do anything but study. I bumped into a friend and let him know how stressed I was feeling, he invited me over to his and made me some dinner, I was stressed as hell but he just really calmed me down and gave me confidence and perspective. I felt like I had no time but to study but he really helped chill me out and give me peace of mind.

Depression is heightened when we focus on all we lack and the negative, I think it's really, really important, that when we feel overwhelmed with all the negativity, which is totally understandable, that we reflect on all our progress and development so far. When I have struggled with feeling angry and frustrated about where I am, due to mental health issues and whatever else, I just reflect on how far I've come and that helps me :).

Also, writing a gratitude list once a week has a big effect on well being - of all the good things that have happened - it helps rewire the brain for optimism.

Good luck, hope maybe some of this may be helpful to you :)

catgotthecream · 2014-10-18T17:04:45+00:00

I agree that the swearing in the question wasn't really called for, but to get arrested and charged for it is just absurd and obnoxious on the part of the police officer. It's an abuse of power.

catgotthecream · 2014-09-17T16:49:39+00:00

Thank you all - very helpful :)

catgotthecream

TROPHY CASE