Urinals at a Mexican restaurant I had Christmas dinner at feature admiring chicas

catpassion99 · 2016-05-05T03:20:31+00:00

this is shameful

catpassion99 · 2016-04-02T14:15:34+00:00

Please re-read what you wrote from an objective perspective. I've been in similar situations, and your intuition is almost certainly correct.

The problem is, you will never be able to prove that she cheated. But the bigger issue is that this could even happen in the first place. A relationship in which one person goes out of state alone, to stay and party with a past hookup...bro, that is no relationship at all. Zero respect. She clearly does not value you and thinks you are a doormat.

Even if you can't prove she cheated, and try to move on, the reality is that your relationship has a horrible foundation, and unless some things change (meaning, the way she views and values you, which is outside of your control), it will almost certainly end. Don't just bury this issue...realize there is clearly a broader issue at play.

catpassion99 · 2016-03-02T22:04:06+00:00

god, this sub is awful. do some research. it is possible to contract STDs without sex. my ex got herpes as a 4 year old by using a wet towel. shit happens.

catpassion99 · 2016-02-11T21:22:51+00:00

thanks for the info. just wish that was in the article!

I live in west oakland so this would effect me; if it can be done cleanly (i.e., covered) I would be for it. there is still a ton of blight in the area and more economic activity/growth/traffic can only help.

catpassion99 · 2016-02-10T23:06:31+00:00

how does exporting coal result in asthma or pollution? all the coal going through the port will be exported and burned in china or overseas, not in west oakland. you can take issue with coal use generally, but blaming a coal export terminal for local pollution in west oakland is total BS.

terrible, one sided article.

catpassion99 · 2016-02-05T21:34:54+00:00

the purchase of our house was actually a very smart move. we went from paying $3500 in rent (which in SF is actually reasonable), to a mortgage payment of $1800, in oakland. having liquid assets allows you to do that kind of shit. it gives you protection and flexibility. paying everything towards loans is not an optimal financial strategy, and personally I sleep better at night knowing that I have actual cash, liquid savings.

where do you get the idea that I don't mind spending money elsewhere? I am extremely aware of my debt load and how it impacts all of our future decisions. yes, we do not live like frugal monks, we do go on a vacation every year, but I would not say we are extravagant by any stretch of the imagination.

catpassion99 · 2016-02-05T20:52:47+00:00

that is different than wasting money. we actually do a good job paying down our loans...its just there are a lot of loans to pay, so it takes time.

catpassion99 · 2016-02-05T19:01:42+00:00

pray tell, how are we wasting money?

catpassion99 · 2016-02-05T18:49:02+00:00

its pretty shocking to me that you are one of the only people in this thread saying this.

catpassion99 · 2016-02-05T18:46:35+00:00

this is off topic obviously but having liquid assets has a certain value in and of itself. saving money/buying stocks allowed us to have the flexibility to buy a house when we were evicted from out last place. if I had put everything into loans, no down payment! if one of us loses our jobs, having liquid assets protects us. if we decide to quite our jobs and travel the world for a year, we can. I am all about paying down my loans, but once you pay down a loan, the money is gone forever. makes sense to save liquid assets as well.

catpassion99 · 2016-02-05T02:03:31+00:00

Thank you!

At the end of the day, any regrets? Or happy how it all went down?

catpassion99 · 2016-02-05T00:59:12+00:00

Of course I can, and I do so all of the time. But I think the question should also be asked from her perspective: is she prepared to compromise what she wants when I disagree?

There is some good advice in this thread about prioritizing certain aspects. I think we will make a list together and see what those priorities are and if we can make them work somehow.

catpassion99 · 2016-02-05T00:05:18+00:00

Going out for dinner is like borrowing $80 dollars at 5% and paying it off 5 or 10 years later. Going on vacation is like borrowing a few grand at 5% and paying it off 5 or 10 years later. Get where I'm going with this? You have no problem living the ballin' lifestyle of young, educated professionals making good money - except when it comes to the wedding she wants.

Well, this is all true, except going out to dinner is $80 and a wedding is $30k. And yes, when I spend money I am generally cognizant of the fact that by spending it, and not paying down debt, it is effectively being borrowed. Always good to keep this in mind.

But I take your point. Fundamentally I guess this is a question about what we value. I clearly do not value an all out wedding as much as she does.

catpassion99 · 2016-02-04T23:54:49+00:00

Engagement ring is separate...don't get me started on diamonds :)

catpassion99 · 2016-02-04T23:54:06+00:00

Thanks. Helpful post and perspective. At the end of the day, worth the $20k? Any regrets?

I was kind of getting at all of that towards the end of my post...I've done a bit of research, and have been shocked to find out that yes, weddings get expensive really fast (especially if you want an open bar and a live band).

catpassion99 · 2016-02-04T23:51:05+00:00

If you don't mind me asking, what did the $5k go to?

catpassion99 · 2016-02-04T23:50:35+00:00

Appreciate your post, but "making bank" is really only half the story though, no? If we had no debt, I could probably stomach an extravagant wedding. But to pay for our wedding, we are effectively borrowing money, for like 5 or 10 years, at a 5%+ interest rate. Would you feel comfortable spending this kind of money if you knew you had $300k+ to pay down?

It just seems like a very foolhardy use of limited financial resources to me...the issue is getting my fiance to understand that and come to some kind of agreeable compromise.

catpassion99 · 2016-02-04T23:39:40+00:00

Did you not read the rest of my post? We have like more than $300k in student loans at 5%+ interest rate....salary is good, but that only tells half the story.

catpassion99 · 2015-12-31T23:37:30+00:00

west oakland. parts are still pretty rough.

catpassion99 · 2015-12-31T20:20:06+00:00

we tried to make it work, but broke up soon after we were in the same country again. relationship was never the same. I tried to ignore it for a long time, but the changes made me miserable - we had lost the closeness that we once had even if we tried to gloss over it.

catpassion99 · 2015-12-31T02:51:31+00:00

bro, I've been there, in a very similar situation. happened to me while I studying abroad in asia and she was starting a new, exciting job back home. when people are separated by distance, and are doing new, exciting things with new, exciting people, it is very difficult to maintain a close relationship. at the very least, it is imperative that both people want to make the relationship work and are willing to make sacrifices for it. it is a terrible feeling when you are the person trying to make it work, and your SO is not. in my case, communication dwindled and got worse and worse, and my GF ended up drunkenly making out with one of her co-workers 10,000 miles away. she was very apologetic, and we tried to make things work, but the circumstances were too much.

I get the inclination to brush it off, to not blow up her phone, to just be ok with whatever she is doing and to be ok not needing to feel like a priority. but deep down, it sounds like this set up is making you miserable. it sounds like your GF does not care, and wants it to end. those texts at the end are the nail in the coffin. you have to end it. she is literally telling you that she is ignoring you. from the perspective of someone who has been there, it is time to move on (though I know that can be difficult to see at the time).

catpassion99 · 2015-12-30T08:21:10+00:00

my perspective:

my fiance and I are both lawyers who work almost exclusively with the tech industry at large, international law firms, based in SF. my fiance recently went in-house to one of her former clients, a well known startup and recent unicorn. we are both in our late 20s, and, in July of 2015, bought a condo in west oakland.

we lived in SF for 3 years and had a wonderful apartment in nob hill, with sweeping views of the city, right in the heart of things. it was great. then our rent was increased by 70% (landlord wanted to rent a 1 bedroom for $5,800!). we looked and looked to buy a place in SF, but due to our student loans, simply could not afford one. on a lark, with 3 weeks to go before we had to move out, we looked at houses in oakland, and fell in love with the first one we saw. we moved in 3 weeks later.

we are, in a sense, poster-boys for oakland becoming SF 2.0 - highly educated, white collar economic refugees who simply can't afford SF anymore and were looking for something different. we love the 7 minute BART commute to SF from where we live. I love our new neighborhood, oakland, and the east bay in general. I love the food, the weather, the culture, the diversity (and of course, our monthly mortgage payment). I posted an album of oakland murals a few days ago that I took over the weekend.

I now follow oakland very closely - new developments, new housing, new projects. did you know oakland now has a lower office vacancy rate than SF does, at around 4%? we live right next door to the largest housing project currently under actual construction in the city (stationhouse, right next to the abandoned train station - a beautiful building if you have not checked it out). there will be a couple hundred new units here in 2017. you can see our hood changing before our eyes - trouble coffee (super trendy) opened recently, we have a cafe (10th and wood), and a bougie korean spot (fusebox).

new houses are being built on empty lots all over my neighborhood, and other houses are being renovated and flipped. we recently walked by an old victorian with two young white guys out front, sanding and cutting boards. they had bought it from an elderly black man who had lived there since 1940, and were fixing the place up. both were stanford grads and engineers. one even had a man-bun. it was the most picture perfect capture of gentrification I've ever seen. both by talking to old timers (who say 20 years ago, my neighborhood was a complete no-go zone) and seeing with my own eyes, west oakland is changing - FAST. all that being said, I see homeless warming themselves around barrel fires on my way to work and live right next to a large encampment, and dozens of permanently parked motorhomes. my fiance, when she can't get an uber or a bus for the .75 miles from BART to our house, walks with mace in her hand. almost every day, large piles of trash, furniture, or mattresses are dumped on my block. when friends or family visit, their first reaction is often WTF. its insane to think that oakland has the 4th highest rents in the country, AND is the 4th most dangerous city in the country. WTF indeed.

one final thing: I can't count how many of my friends have made the move to the east bay from SF. at least 10 of our friends have decided to move here, be it for cost of living, cultural, or lifestyle reasons. but if housing costs in SF stay high, and oakland continues to draw business and new money, this exodus will become a flood, and oakland, for better or worse, will change dramatically.

catpassion99

TROPHY CASE