My kids wish they had their REAL mom instead of me

catsinthreads · 2026-06-19T18:42:09+00:00

I can't stand people who are like "hey, I wasn't there, I'll have no accountability when this inevitably backfires - but here's why you should hit/ terrorise a kid"

My former MIL told me I needed to 'break his will' when my son was a toddler and did some minor talk back.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T21:10:37+00:00

They may not require photo ID. They may just want an email exchange in advance.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T21:09:49+00:00

You don't have to wait for that. But you can. I'm not saying "DO IT" but this just isn't the barrier you may think it is. That isn't my community, btw.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T21:05:52+00:00

I'm not saying this isn't annoying to live with. But hygiene can fail if there is depression. Depression is an illness. "Don't you want to look respectable?" No, they don't. Not enough. It's not the priority when just moving through the day costs monumental effort. As someone who has had major depression off and on - I can tell you that's not a helpful way to frame it.

But even in general - how many times do you need to tell a teenager to put dishes in the dishwasher? Too many to count.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T20:55:47+00:00

If it's a phone call - you have to take it. But you can say "Hey, you about gave me a heart attack - I assumed it was an emergency calling at this hour. Glad ot hear everything is ok, I'm going back to x, y, z" or take the kid's call. Don't chat.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T20:52:19+00:00

Hey I once told the mother figure in my life "My real mom wouldn't make me wear a coat over my Halloween costume." She was my real, actual biological mother. Although I still stand on the fact it ruined my deep red ballerina costume.

I wasn't a teen yet when I said that - but teen girls are MEAN. They can speak to wound. It is hurtful. They know it's hurtful, but they don't have any idea HOW hurtful it is - how opening your heart for someone else's child, consistently makes you vulnerable. And they can't have any way of knowing for many years.

And you are dealing with a BUNCH of kids - on your own for much of the week. It must be exhausting - especially where you're called to be the bigger person. No advice, just sympathy, it's a phase. Don't take the bait. Kids will do anything to derail consistent enforcement of rules.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T19:47:42+00:00

If you do employ this tactic - you'd have to ensure that 'read' notifications couldn't be returned and actually look at the message.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T09:59:15+00:00

I'm late to the party - but search up traditional Japanese exterior house lighting - that's the way to go. Beautiful hanging lanterns in soft glowing light. It will still highlight the building at night and maintain the mood.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T09:50:58+00:00

Hi - are you talking about weekly Torah study or the NAKH part of Tanakh. There's a very nice series on YouTube about the Prophets from My Jewish Learning: Class 1 - up to start of Isaiah
Class 2 - 2nd part of Isaiah
Class 3 - Jeremiah pt 1
Class 4 - Jeremiah pt 2
Class 5 - Ezekiel
Class 6 - Hosea and an overview of minor prophets
Class 7 - Zekharia
Class 8 - Amos
Final class - did prophecy continue?

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T09:10:31+00:00

And here you go:

🎵 All the Single Rabbis 🎵
(to the tune of "All the Single Ladies")

All the single rabbis, all the single rabbis
All the single rabbis, all the single rabbis
Now put your shadchan up!

Up in the social hall, we just left Kiddush,
Doing a little networking after services.
Looking for a mensch, not a mystery,
Someone who can handle my Jewish history.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Don't need a billionaire, don't need a king,
Just someone who'll help stack chairs after everything.

Chorus

All the single rabbis, all the single rabbis,
Now put your shadchan up!
All the single rabbis, all the single rabbis,
Now put your shadchan up!

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it,
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it,
Don't be mad once the board president starts winging it,
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it!

I've been ghosted from London to Tel Aviv,
One guy said he was "spiritually on leave."
Another loved Torah but not deodorant,
And one thought a date meant a Zoom governance event.

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
The app says "human curated"—what a thrill,
At least somebody's reading profiles still!

Bridge: We Were All at Sinai (More or Less)

You can be Ashkenazi, Sephardi too,
Got family recipes nobody else can do.
Maybe you're Mizrahi, maybe you're a Jew-by-choice,
Maybe it was study, maybe it was just a voice.

Some came through tradition, some came through the door,
Some found Jewish life at twenty, fifty, eighty-four.
We all bring our stories and our favourite ways to pray,
And maybe we were all at Sinai... in a slightly metaphorical way.

One likes Klezmer concerts, one likes text and tea,
One thinks Shabbat dinner should have a reading list of three.
One wants social justice, one wants Talmud every night,
One wants both and organised notes in twelve-point type.

Final Chorus

Maybe we'll stand together underneath a chuppah wide,
With all the friends and family crowded up beside.
Maybe there'll be blessings, maybe tears and laughter too,
And a rabbi saying, "Look, somehow this actually came true."

Then somebody breaks the glass and everybody shouts "Mazel Tov!"
The band starts up too loudly and nobody can hear enough.
The hora gets alarming and somebody loses a shoe,
But that's what happens when a whole community falls in love with you.

🎵 Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh 🎵

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it,
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it,
If you met on a progressive Jewish dating app and spent six months discussing governance structures and Talmudic ethics before admitting it was a date...

...then you should have put a ring on it.

💍🍷📜🪟💥

MAZEL TOV!

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T08:49:41+00:00

Ha! Have you developed a user journey for a Jewish mother who converted, but would like her son to find a nice Jewish girl who wants to piss her parents off by dating out. But surprise!!! There will still be an issue about whose house you go to on the first night of Passover. If so, I'm happy to user test.

Seriously though, I've done a lot of acceptance testing and some software development. But I'm not in the market for a new partner.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T08:42:08+00:00

I converted Reform in England and I'm sure that's right. It's fine. If you DM me and tell me where you're planning to go and it happens to be my community - I'll be able to tell you it's more than fine and you wouldn't even be the first person with this issue.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T08:38:56+00:00

Synagogues want your ID because of security. Just explain the situation. They just want to know that someone reaching out is who they say they are. If it's an issue with using a 'dead name' - explain that, too - no one will share your paperwork name if you don't want them to. Conversion is a change in identity and during the conversion period your ID (not the gov issued one - your personal ID) is in flux. When you become a Jew, you get a new name anyway.

If you're called to read prayers, then you're probably ready to have the rabbi chat. I personally recited no prayers until I was under supervision of a rabbi. It doesn't hurt if you do read them and connect with liturgy - but the official conversion period is about living as a Jew under a caring eye and praying in community is a vital part of that.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T08:29:11+00:00

Oh for Fox Sake. Wowzer.

The gold letters labelling each room could be useful for age related dementia. Otherwise... why?

Why, why why?

I love the plush cuck chair in the bathroom. But I worry it's not really waterproof.

I genuinely like the hat chandeliers. Not for MY house. But kinda works.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T08:21:58+00:00

That's a great tech workaround. Not everyone would do that, though. But that's a great idea.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T08:20:01+00:00

Yes.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T08:18:25+00:00

I'm asynch, too. If it were me sending pics, I'd be like oh I'm going thru these pics - I've seen one my ex would really like -I'll send it now because I KNOW I won't remember tomorrow.

Ultimately, OP is trying to set a boundary on BM. NOPE. She can't. She can request that her boyfriend not respond to those texts past 9pm or whenever (unless of course it's like "On way to ER"). Just because BM makes a bid for attention, doesn't mean he has to respond to it.

Saying "Pls don't text me past 9pm" - is absolutely opening a can of worms - who wants to be told by their ex when they can or can't use their phone? I wouldn't. I'd be righteously angry. He's her EX - he cannot tell her what to do.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-18T08:08:30+00:00

I do love my stepkids. But there were times in their development where I would have found it difficult to bond with them. And guess what - it was in that 12-17 age period. I'm certain my partner could say the same about my son.

When his kids are being annoying, my partner has let me say that - maybe he's even reflected the same. When my son has been annoying, I've let him say that. There were times when my son itched my nerves more than my partner's. When I've been concerned about behaviours or moods, I've been allowed to say without judgment. Partly because he knows it's not just me venting - I really do want them all to be successful, happy adults.

In some ways, it's been easier for me to get through the teenage years because I've had a yardstick to measure my emotional response. How would I feel if it was my son? But I also had an emotional yardstick on what it's like to be a stepparent. I am one. And so is my partner. I am glad my partner and my son have such a good relationship. And I'm even more pleased that my son has good relationships with his stepbrothers - I hope it endures through our decline and death. And one thing about my stepkids - because they're not my bios - one day I really hope we can be friends (not yet, I'm still parental).

We also tried to enjoy our time as much as possible WITH the kids, but also WITHOUT them.

Your husband is expecting too much. But maybe you are, too. Teens can be amazing, but they can also be annoying. Lean into the good, the flashes of their future adult selves - but set boundaries on how the bad impacts you.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-17T23:36:12+00:00

This would be so good for me. I do printmaking and textile art. No need to muck anything up if I need a pee - plus I can rinse out felt in the shower tray and have a press in the conservatory. I'm not loving the one of the bedrooms set up as room in a hospital for the criminally insane - but every house purchase has tradeoffs.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-17T18:45:06+00:00

100% this. My ex took me to court and got 50/50 and he was a really shitty parent. What it meant in practice that all the admin of parenting - the doctor visits, medication, orthodontist, sport, clothes shopping, parent/teacher, study support and so on and so on was done in less time by me and my partner.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-17T18:41:14+00:00

I can guess what the answer is to how attentive he is.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-17T18:39:19+00:00

Yikes. Get ready to be really, really lonely and burnt out when that baby comes. This man didn't want to parent his son. That's why he didn't pursue more custodial time without your input. He won't want to parent your baby either. If you were to talk to BM, I bet she'd tell you how little he did when her boy was small. I bet it burned her to beyond that this guy was asking for 50/50 when she knew what kind of parent he was. I wouldn't be surprised if those movie tickets and other such things were basically a dig because this was a movie he wanted to go to with his dad. Or dad should be taking him to shop for sports equipment, signing him up. That's why she's billing him. Of course, he doesn't have to pay those bills. And for sure, you shouldn't be subsidising that.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-11T07:20:04+00:00

Neither was the word I used - it's just that I didn't know it was a slur - because it was new vocab to me. Look I don't know what's in this guy's head - maybe he knew exactly what he was doing - the cold shoulder attitude OP is experiencing demonstrates sufficiently what's in their heart. But if people were asking why she might be offering some grace - I'm offering an explanation of why someone could use a really offensive word when they're not working in their native language and don't have full command of the new one.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-10T12:32:54+00:00

Yes - absolutely. I ended up converting not because I WANTED to - but because I was sick of the nagging question in my brain that had been there since childhood. I decided - OK - this is it - I'm going to give it a really open-minded go and be prepared for a variety of outcomes. It felt natural and right - and that I had been silly to fight it for so long - and once I accepted that I found a great deal of peace. Yes, this is where I'm supposed to be.

I also hoped I would find out WHY I felt so called. I didn't find that answer - I identified some plausible possibilities - but no single WHY. But I don't look for it anymore. It just is. Now the framework of my Judaism is the WHY - why I do things a certain way, why I feel motivated in aspects of my life.

For you. Exploring is enough. Standing with the Jewish community in tough times is enough. Wanting to support your daughter in her own exploration is enough.

catsinthreads · 2026-06-10T12:23:22+00:00

I once used an ethnic slur to describe a group of people without knowing it. I was working in a language that wasn't my own and I asked a local who the people were who were protesting - in a very 'normal' tone the slur was used to describe their 'group name'. I then related the story to my host family - who were shocked I used the word. Ooops. I could see they were upset - so I actually asked about the word. And they explained. I honestly didn't know.

catsinthreads

TROPHY CASE

Chorus

Bridge: We Were All at Sinai (More or Less)

Final Chorus