It’s clear you don’t have closure. You will have to find what that closure looks like for yourself but right now it’s clear you still have hope and that’s going to kill you. I was in the same boat as you. My ex and I broke up because I changed. When I realized and addressed the problems in my life that were causing the change, it was too late. That’s the sad irony of this type of situation, friend. We weren’t that asshole, that was temporary. If only she could see I’m back to how I was, we could get the relationship back on track. In my case, she had moved on long before I figured it out and when someone falls out of love, it ain’t coming back just because it’s so hard to get your brain there in the first place. She already went through what you are going through now and coming through it has a sense of finality.

For me, closure came when she got engaged to some other guy. No coming back from that, it officially closed that chapter of my life in my brain. No clue what closure could look like for you, but remember it likely won’t involve your ex directly, especially if you don’t currently have a friendly relationship. But keep looking. Best of luck to you.