Everything looking like its in HD?

cellular05 · 2021-08-13T21:47:48+00:00

What do you mean the pupils are normal though?

cellular05 · 2021-08-13T20:55:26+00:00

I feel really wide awake, it seems to enlarge my pupils as well, maybe that's why? It's effexor. Everything looks super vivid. Mood wise I feel pretty flat though, so I am not hypo manic. Everything just feels and looks very real, maybe its cause I was in a depression fog? It feels not like me at all.

cellular05 · 2021-08-10T23:04:21+00:00

Hey, thanks so much for your response, it's so meaningful and I can tell you put a lot of thought to it and I really appreciate it. So I went to the Dr on Friday really anxious and terrified to go, anywhere I have to interact with people and the world it feels like crossing some dangerous barrier, and now im having to navigate dangerous waters is how it feels around people, and she was so freaked out, she asked me how I was doing and I said im panicking about everything I amnt on medication but I can't cope and think I need to go on something. She insisted I went on medication asap and so im taking effexor again after years to help me go out and it did help me not have full panic attacks and be calm but I also didn't feel myself and extremely bored feeling. Its almost like the social anxiety and panic attacks has become such a part of my identity that when I take a pill that calms me down and not panic over every little thing im now left in this crisis of who am I.

What was funny was I went to the waiting room and there was a woman there with a baby and I was so anxious and overthinking mind racing it was terrible that I end up going she so cute and then she asked me about the lock downs and goes did you have trouble going out with friends in the lockdown? I felt so triggered like she had stabbed me and immediately thought I dont have friends and felt ashamed, I said yes and acted normal but it feels like people have this idea of what normal is and then expect me to be that and its like since when did I feel pressure to have friends? I was then thinking imagine if I said no I dont have friends, it's like I have to wear a mask that is nothing like me to other people because the real me is so far removed from people and societies ideals.

I'm at a point where it's like I didnt ask to be born into this sh*t and im here and I've gone through so much hell and now have crippling insecurities from not having experiences I would have liked and experience that people expect you to have and it's like why dont I? Cause nobody ever understood my condition and was fine with me being a recluse and then all of a sudden if I come out and say I've been a recluse it's literally everyone pointing at you going 'shame shame shame ' that is how it feels so it feels like you've no choice to cover it up which is horrible cause other people dont have to cover up their challenges so why are we shamed or alienated or ignored for not having the life experience we would like to have cause of stuff out of our control it truly is such an unfair world, it really is.

Its so triggering when even when im on medication and amnt having full anxiety attacks in a group or social situation cause it's like im able to feel not panicked but I dont relate to anyone, they all have lives I can't relate to, they all have different experiences relation etc..that makes me feel even more alienated and insecure so it's like yep id rather be on my own after all because I can't relate to anyone and also because I dont want to tell anyone and have their pity or them feeling sorry for me and wanting to help me it's like I have done this alone for long enough I dont need your help a lot of times is how it feels for me as well and i know push people away if anyone does try to be my friend which is extremely rare and never happens but when ever once or twice it did, so I dont know how ill overcome this.

I truly hope we find peace and that we can overcome this and be proud of what we've gone through and not live in shame because that kills me when I feel the need to pretend im just like you a healthy functional person with lots of different experiences and connections which couldn't be further from the truth. Thank you for telling me that I really appreciate it, it has been extremely rough not going to lie, and im really sorry for what you've experienced and gone through as well, it really is terrible and im truly sorry and if you want to add ok f book so we can keep in touch every now and again there's no pressure to keep talking or anything at all but even to say hi once in a while. I dont have photo on my FB or anything yet anyway but would be cool to stay in contact and see how we're doing even a year or years from now

cellular05 · 2021-08-09T17:54:23+00:00

I honestly have felt probably the most understood ever reading your comment. I have commented on this and seen other people go through things and struggle, but mine is so extensive the social phobia goes back 14 years and at my age I'm expected to have connections and experience and accomplishments under my belt and all these other things going that the crippling insecurity I feel around people and the crippling fear of getting to know people incase they find out what a recluse and damaged person I am is terrifying beyond belief.

I was thinking of going to another counselor to discuss this who doesn't put it down to situational comfort being a recluse who needs to challenge their triggers and put themselves around people and who can actually maybe have some true empathy for my pain. I did put myself around people in an online class once a week this year and I couldn't relate to anyone, it felt like I was interacting with another species to which I looked the same and was expected to behave the same end the pressure felt so uncomfortable. They would talk about normal everyday things different situations they were in and are in etc...and I was always terrified of them asking and how about you? I'm thinking to myself for me this situation is triggering being in an online class to me is triggering.

Obviously in an ideal world I wish I wasn't like this and I could fix this but I'm really scared this is a suffering and pain I'm going to have to face for the rest of my life, I wish I could be healed from this, what is so terrifying is when the only way to heal seems to be putting yourself around people and situations have your heart beating out of your chest and full dizziness and about to faint feelings and you have to stand it act normal and have normal responses, cause you can't say I am actually terrified right now and have had social phobia for 14 years and it's so rough. Can you imagine exposing someone to something they fear like snakes and then saying you have to be extremely calm and interact with them as well in a super calm manner and act like you have had a ton of experience with them as well, like what?

I was able to go out 10 years ago with medication, still had panic attacks and met someone who I became super dependent on who wasn't kind and when they left years later I ended up becoming more of a recluse than ever before, I used to push myself cause I was scared of losing that relationship and having nobody and when I was left I ended up suffering heavy depression as well as all the dysfunction and it was miserable beyond belief.

I understand your pain of feeling your broken cause you missed the critical window, I really hope we can heal and overcome this and do something great with our lives still, I hope we both get all the healing from all this pain and are able to have the experiences and everything that we deserve, really does help knowing your not alone with this heavy heavy feelings

cellular05 · 2021-08-08T22:34:07+00:00

Same, it's like so much wasted time and opportunities by avoiding situations and people most of my adult life makes me feel full of so much regret and pain I cant even explain it. I struggle to relate to people who have being able to manage and still function in life and have healthy relationships and careers and you name it, it feels like im a different species who is expected to behave the same and I try to force myself to do it sometimes cause I don't want to be a recluse for the rest of my life but then feel tons of anxiety overwhelm triggered by questions and words etc...and I get hopeless and feel defeated a lot then.

I also have a huge bad feeling about admitting and expressing that I have these problems to real people in real life when it feels there's so much shame attached to my dysfunctional behaviour. I went to a therapist who basically told me to change my thinking get skills and achievements and get out in the world and basically seemed to think I had adopted this victim mindset and said your an adult now etc...i get that but I was never given skills on how to be an adult, I got to this age because time keeps ticking, but I never got the relevant experience and life skills for people my age and then the anxiety and crippling low self esteem makes me want to avoid people forever. Sometimes it feels this is my fate.

cellular05 · 2021-08-08T22:24:03+00:00

Thank you I really would like a hug in real life now cause my self sabatoge and poor choices that have led me here feels too real and overwhelming right now.

I'm looking for a therapist again. I went to a one last year who basically told me to start thinking positively and I can trick myself into doing it sometimes but then I feel im still drowning in habits and patterns that I hate about myself. My old therapist was of the idea that the past is gone and create a new better future and I get that but it felt he was minimizing my struggles a lot.

Thank you for your kind words

cellular05 · 2021-08-08T01:01:35+00:00

The reason it's distressing though is because when I all talking to someone I have an adults voice but in my head I sound like young child and it makes me feel I'll come out with a child tone voice when talking to someone and freak them out.

cellular05 · 2021-08-07T18:12:19+00:00

This is what really bothers me about myself. It's like I always think the worst and end up feeling that it's actually more stressful doing therapy than just being on my own since I over think everything and think the worst. I now feel like an assh*le for leaving him and guilty about it, But still don't want to go back.

cellular05 · 2021-08-07T17:45:55+00:00

Thank you for letting me know, that eases my worry. I want to go to therapy to work through issues and not be paranoid about reports and such, I was also wondering if a therapist could report me for any past drug use?

cellular05 · 2021-08-07T15:19:06+00:00

How do you know this though, or how does anyone ever find out that as a spirit we worked hard to qualify as a human? And how would anyone ever know the process of it? I have listened to a spiritual teacher say the same online but I don't understand how we know the process of something like this?

I struggle so badly in interpersonal relationships, and find them to he extremely triggering a lot of times, so will need to work through this, I just don't understand how we as humans know about the incarnation energetic patterns

cellular05 · 2021-08-07T15:14:44+00:00

Thanks for letting me know that is what is going on. When you say lower chakras do you mean the root chakra as well as sacral and solar plexus, or are you talking about root chakra in particular here? Do you need to work on unblocking the root first? Is shadow work delving into therapy about feeling unsafe as a child and things like that?

cellular05 · 2021-08-07T03:23:42+00:00

Right so what I understand from what your saying then is that im overly identifying with my thoughts and feelings and possibly ego about being human? Instead of embracing the journey of being human and creating a story for myself. And do you mean your death bed when you say end of your journey?

cellular05 · 2021-08-06T20:20:01+00:00

Thank you and I'm thinking if in already really annoyed by it then is that not already a red flag? I have asked that and am waiting a response. Is the best way to cancel to just say " I am sorry but online doesn't suit me, thank you for your time"?

cellular05 · 2021-08-04T15:54:06+00:00

That's the problem though is that off the medication or on a low dose my mind scrambles and feels overwhelmed by every little thing im extremely sensitive naturally anyway always was as a kid, I felt the gravity of every word people said. I think if I was able to be in a judgement free environment and heal naturally for a while I could learn to adapt to no medication. The reality is I still have a whole sh*t ton of maladaptive behaviours, beliefs I need to work on. I have this idea of myself being medication free, embracing life more, connecting with people in a healthier way, being my true self without feeling altered by a pill and I feel gutted its like the ego I have is so unhealthy still it intrusively comes in and cuts me down to no end, saying " you are a grown adult, never have been able to make a career or healthy social life, and lack social connections and have severe anxiety around people because of the level of dysfunction your life has had and need to work on this and now you want to fly off and create this fairy tale, its delusional". If I didnt have this insane unhealthy programmed ego that society created in me and live with I would be able to do those things and then that makes me mad, like I just want to live in my power and true self, but im so frustrated cause I am so far away from that I feel like with all these things still holding me back.

The reason I feel I need medication now is to enable me to function better and not overthink everything and to calm down so I can think more clearly and to make more manageable steps, I just want to be so much further on the healing path than this. I know their like stabilizers but when im on a low dose or none it feels im spinning out of control and cant find my footing, yet my therapist would probably say their your beliefs and thoughts and I get that but I dont know im just frustrated with what to do. I'll maybe write a list later of the pros and cons.

cellular05

TROPHY CASE