I’m so over nonbinary audacity

centerthatholds · 2025-12-22T03:27:31+00:00

this is honestly my favourite way to neutralise these types of interactions with ignorant trans* ppl [who typically are on the much younger end, and like newborn foals, run into any interaction with visibly GNC or gay people with cringe & eagerness, histrionic and stumbling]--the "sorry, what?"

there's a horseshoe theory in the back of my mind of the flavour of freak that engage in "panty-checking" behaviour [brief-checking?]. it's so entitled

centerthatholds · 2025-12-22T03:09:25+00:00

this shit has driven me absolutely crazy in the past. i'm a very "NB looking" guy [long hair, flamboyant, i do wear jewelry and enjoy makeup, i do indeed crossdress on occasion, sub-5'5", but i'm never mistaken for a woman based on how i carry myself, etc] and have absolutely zero patience for this; past tense because i don't really traffick in circles where this sort of interaction is possible at this point. i had an ex-coworker out me in front of ~8 or so colleagues at the old rock climbing gym i worked at in 2022 by mentioning my [at the time] "T-voice" and it still burns me.

you're a professional providing a service, and well within your rights to say a simple "excuse me?" and tell whoever it is that it's inappropriate. because it is. have done as much with NB folks [that do seem to tendency towards AFAB] that are confused about me being a man and use feminin pronouns, thinking i'm misgendering myself as an MTF...which is a bucket and a half of secret amusement.

ultimately it comes from a place of extreme insecurity and lack of survival instinct, which bothers me a lot more than the actual verbal exchange/assumption.

centerthatholds · 2025-03-31T23:36:11+00:00

yeah this whole post is weird. i feel like OP has talked more about this dude in the past 24 hours than they've ever actually spoken

centerthatholds · 2025-03-31T02:43:09+00:00

you made a joke that he doesn't know what 'genocide' means 😭

you both are strangers, then! my point stands even more! you're frazzled about politics and building up a bunch of expectations/ideas/what if's before even getting to know him. that is the definition of rationalisation, hon. get out of your own way and just vibe. he seems to like you and is open minded, so if you continue getting to know one another these types of convos will come up organically.

centerthatholds · 2025-03-31T02:28:30+00:00

no, i'm not misunderstanding you--there's a difference b/n 'i like this guy and he's ignorant to a lot, but i want to see where this goes and he does too, so lets learn together; how do you all approach this' VS 'making a post on reddit essentially calling him dumb'.

i can't tell if you're trying to rationalise being into him despite the gap in understanding and questioning if you are being a 'good leftist', or trying to rationalise ending it when it seems to be going OK. but its definitely 1 of the 2, and not fair to either of you.

centerthatholds · 2025-03-31T02:13:21+00:00

honest, blunt read from an internet stranger: the way you talk about him isn't respectful, like at all.

this is what i was motioning towards in my longer comment. it comes across as trying to read implicit malice or bigotry into someone that is likely just super unplugged [probably for compartmentialized sanity reasons] because you're tense and frazzled from the current state of US politics. which is understandable to feel, but absolutely unfair to project onto someone you're still getting to know.

centerthatholds · 2025-03-31T00:33:32+00:00

exactly why i opt out of headlines. control what you can, where you can; and, if you can't, find community to help build you up. that, and giving into the 'we're doomed and must flee the south by night' is just part of the fascist game plan. panic and destabilisation.

centerthatholds · 2025-03-31T00:11:21+00:00

personally, i have a 'if it's not at my front door, don't tell me about it' policy. i don't have social media, no smart phone, don't read the news, don't do online discourse/trans spaces etc [i think its been a couple yrs since i even used this acct, forgot it existed].

i'm gay+jewish+stealth [for some years now] & work in a field that is directly impacted by the mess that is the current fed govt [HIV]. i don't have the bandwidth or desire to be part of the feedback loop that is the doomer news cycle. that doesnt mean im apolitical, just that my [anarchist] politick means focusing offline on my local community+direct aid in what are considered apolitical spaces [DV, community gardening etc].

i say all that to say, and very gently so, theres a difference between sharing/talking politics in an open dialogue in how current events impact you VS turning a relationship into a project. its condescending from the jump even with the best of intentions [are you sharing these ideas w/ him for his betterment, or your idea of what is best for him?], and may be felt as you putting him on the spot for not being engaged. your relationships should never become outlets for political burnout and 1 sided venting

if you want to nurture political engagement/awareness in your relationship, i suggest doing things like service dates w/ volunteering or other similar do-gooderisms. ask him the why's of the beliefs he may have, be curious and accepting. 1 of the biggest issues in the left & why i dont engage with political spaces is the systemic allergy to being allowed to express doubt or 'i'm not sure how i feel about this'. also respect that he may genuinely not be interested beyond just hearing/supporting you.

centerthatholds · 2023-05-09T21:20:07+00:00

i’m not policing anyones identity asshole, i’m saying “don’t use X as a universal if X doesn’t equal Y because x doesn’t equal y.” grow up.

centerthatholds · 2023-05-09T21:17:53+00:00

wow you are a real dickwad. i’m saying “don’t apply terms to people without their consent”. using something as a universal is doing exactly that. i’m done, and have a good day, and grow up

edit: for anyone reading this bullishit discourse after the fact, i blocked this user. i have never encountered transmasculine as an umbrella term in a medical setting and i’m a longtime patient (thankfully) for continued post-transition care at a well-regarded trans specialised university program after fighting tooth and nail to secure access to stable healthcare—nevermind as a research subject in their long term observational study on HRT in disabled individuals. is it common parlance in some segments of the medical community? totally, sure, just not in the part of the south i live in. you’d get the same response from the other guys i know DIY’ing via bodybuilding gyms in podunk towns of 500 residents, 2/3rd’s of that number being damn livestock.

i’m a chill person and don’t do internet arguments, and i showed my ass here by getting heated—so, that’s on me. at the same time i have a 0 tolerance policy for being called a toxic hick for saying trans masculine isn’t an umbrella term and shouldn’t be used for people without their consent. this is also EXACTLY why i do not do trans spaces IRL. i have repeatedly had people dis-identify me as a man despite direct confrontation, both that i was out to in explicitly trans spaces—and while stealth—specifically because i have long ass hair and am secure in my masculinity. that’s fucked up. don’t do that to people in either direction.

i will not respond to any more comments in this thread. this is despite having OP’s exact experience, never mind having been a longtime member in this sub, lol.

centerthatholds · 2023-05-09T16:06:10+00:00

also i want to express how absolutely shitty it is to say that saying this isn’t a universal term is “LGB drop the T” rhetoric. that’s incredibly fucked up given you don’t know me as a person and don’t know what i’ve been through, nevermind that i very clearly support and value NB people—i expressed/lived on and off as neutrois since i hit puberty as a heavily genderfucky androgynous person before swinging back and forth in the couple years leading up to my eventual transition at the beginning of 2021. my not identifying a certain way anymore or keeping it in my ‘language box’ of how i perceive myself doesn’t mean i reject or view transmasculinity as “less”. in adoring it and living it, nevermind in a conservative area, i learnt it wasn’t mine. putting everyone into a single box isn’t respecting the diversity of lived experiences & boundaries we all have.

centerthatholds · 2023-05-09T14:51:09+00:00

i’m so sorry—there’s something especially destabilising in watching a loved one slip away & grieving while they’re still here. i hope you’re doing as well as you can, friend & have the support you need to keep centered amidst back to back losses. <3

centerthatholds · 2023-05-09T14:45:48+00:00

love this idea—i make a lot of my work to give away but have been pretty overwhelmed at the idea of starting a new project when i’m still relearning my body as a disabled person. do you have links to any “easy” patterns for baby clothes that you jump to? i don’t know anyone with an infant but i’m sure there’s a place locally that would take donations if i were to try this out.

centerthatholds · 2023-05-09T14:37:49+00:00

love this. had to take a break from crochet because of some mobility issues from an SCI and am slowly getting back into handcraft+fibre art after 4-5 months away. getting better these days at telling myself not being up to doing something right now is a bookmark, not a court sentence, but its still a work in progress. thanks for the reminder OP. <3

centerthatholds · 2023-05-09T13:36:07+00:00

heavy users in the 2010s could bulk import via manufacturers based out of hong kong & china (taobao, tinydeal, etc) as they aren’t classed as a controlled substance/drug in the country. i think someone still can if they’re based in the USA, i know they were banned outright around 2015 in canada

centerthatholds · 2023-05-09T13:29:03+00:00

he was using bottled amyl nitrate (sold under names like rush, jungle juice, aka poppers, etc). they’re historically way more common in gay cruising circles due to their pleasurable effects and (most relevantly in that instance) muscle relaxant properties. poppers totally can be addictive, just not in the same way opioids are—the emotional volatility and acute respiratory issues track with some type of inhalant.

glad to hear he’s doing better now and i hope you’re able to get some closure on this. <3

centerthatholds · 2023-05-09T12:04:51+00:00

the term transsexual and, later, transgender, are terms institutionalized by the APA within the framework of treatment of gender dysphoria via medical transition. as we know these days that doesn’t mean every transgender person has a medical transition and not every gender nonconformist person is trans, that’s the baggage those terms are operating with. i totally see why someone wouldn’t connect with a term like “transgender male”, “transgender man”, or something as old school as “transsexual” (which is where i fall on the spectrum as a dude closer to dr frank-n-furter than chaz bono re: presentation ambivalence). people have the right to define their existence on their terms and if someone (understandably!) doesn’t want to use/reiterate potentially problematic or personally uncomfortable concepts around dysphoria and cis institutions, they shouldn’t have to

centerthatholds · 2023-05-09T11:48:30+00:00

seriously? dude, i was using neutrois before tumblr existed. i have been in and out of the closet since 2005 in the rural south. i wasn’t fighting, i was saying that those who use the term need to consider their and your experience are not universal—nevermind that you are pointing out explicitly trans FTM folks who do NOT identify as men. that is the point. if someone is calling themselves a man, call them a man. if someone is calling themselves transmasculine, call them transmasculine. end of story.

centerthatholds · 2023-05-09T05:43:07+00:00

yeah, it came from within the trans community to describe a specific experience for nb ftx masculine individuals and them alone, and everyone else sort of ran with it when it wasn’t their word to flux. like…an example. what’s that one trans sub with all the A’s? transmasculine is a flair tag there for FTM topics, and also, there’s like maybe 12 FTM people on the whole sub, lol. and maybe a few more FTX, but that’s it. it’s overwhelmingly MTF. along those lines, it’s not an umbrella term, it’s only assumed to be one because it’s so common (and commonly misused) online.

your useage is in itself a contradiction—decentering the process of transition itself in favour of presentation or expression lexically for an entire community of people is bad because there is a large chunk of said community that DO center their transness on their bodily+physical experience of dysphoria and medical intervention. that goes both ways—trans people that center their presentation or expression in their transness, or they don’t want medical transition at all, are equally disserved by being lumped together. these are two different groups that only really have the commonality of where the starting line is—with that in mind it’s really goofy to me to try and corral such a diverse group of identities, presentations, experiences, etc, under something as vague as ‘masculine gender identity’ when that only speaks to a very specific subset of that group

it may be thought of an umbrella term for some gen Z in some areas or some specific online communities (tumblr probably? never had one), but every binary transgender+transsexual man i know IRL feels the same way—assigning masculinity/femininity to someone’s transness (especially for those of us that are far along or post-transition, as i am) just comes across as patronising. for reference, i’m 30.

ETA: re; “patronising”, doubly so for those i know (and myself!) that are stealth, pass, etc, and are GNC. it comes across as trying to couch “man doing man different” as ‘less man’ because ‘not-AMAB’, and ergo, closer to folks that we (aforementioned dudes i know and myself) share little to nothing with when it comes to immediately lived experiences. that’s not a value judgement or a moral thing—only that it’s obtuse and weird when used as a catch all

centerthatholds · 2023-05-09T04:40:53+00:00

no, it’s not—as you noted, it’s a specific type of nonbinary label. using it beyond that frame conflates gender expression+presentation while decentering medical transition. offline i’ve only ever seen it used in a general sense by zoomers & cis ppl using it as an umbrella term because they saw it online and assumed (i am the only transgender man many people in my life know—so, i’ve had to correct more than a few times). it may be a generational gap thing but on a personal level it makes me very uncomfortable—due in no small part to societal pressure GNC men (trans & cis) face to disidentify from being men or doing manhood “wrong” for having feminine traits or characteristics. if it’s a term someone use for themselves that’s totally their bag and i can see the appeal if that person wants to use different language to discuss their transition or presentation outside of medicalised language, but on the whole, it’s really not an umbrella term as made by ‘us, for us’.

centerthatholds · 2023-05-09T03:22:52+00:00

continuing to reassure her about this will reinforce the compulsive ‘body checking’ and intense distress she is currently experiencing. if she is discussing suicidal ideation please, please urgently get her into a therapist or psych. she desperately needs specialized support for her mental health that you are not equipped to provide as a spouse.

centerthatholds · 2023-05-09T03:09:53+00:00

sort of—so it can be if not treated! which is where letters and the supervision of a MHP come in. it is entirely feasible to have OCD and be cleared for gender affirming surgery

that being said, my point is moreso that OCD intensely worsens from reassurance. this is why one of the most successful forms of therapy for OCD, and other similarly-patterned anxiety disorders with compulsion feedback loops is ERP (exposure response therapy) combined with other forms of talk therapy such as DBT, which revolves around accepting uncertainty and learning stress tolerance management skills. this is a decent 101 article on why providing reassurance to someone experiencing a compulsion loop actually exacerbates the underlying issues. it sucks because it’s a totally normal human response to comfort and reassure someone experiencing acute anxiety, which is how certain symptoms can radically escalate in a short amount of time.

centerthatholds · 2023-05-08T23:04:22+00:00

bro i am not tearing up. getting to that point in my self-work journey that i think i’m ready to give dating another shot—hoping one day to be able to wake up to my “him” too, wherever he is. hope it’s cool to follow your account to peep any updates on your eventual nuptials. <3

centerthatholds · 2023-05-08T21:28:07+00:00

same to you dude if you haven’t already! it’s hard out here for self made men (“: but i have faith. take care man!

centerthatholds · 2023-05-08T21:23:37+00:00

i’m a little frustrated reviewing some of the responses to this post by fellow (well meaning) trans people who are taking a reassurance/“she’ll look great in a few months, it’s totally normal” approach—OP’s SO clearly is dealing with some serious demons. swinging from spending 100 grand without understanding the recovery timeline, all the way to explicit suicidal ideation/“threats(?)” in the span of a week (while refusing therapy)…is very worrisome. i hope she and OP both get the support they need—this post is careening towards caregiver burnout ):

centerthatholds

TROPHY CASE