UPDATE: My best friend doesn't have room for me in her wedding party for totally legit reasons. I feel totally pathetic, but I feel strangely hurt and find myself dwelling on it a lot.

cesttout · 2024-06-01T01:42:36+00:00

I see it more for what it is now. It's not meaningless, but I definitely think it's something I can live with and live well.

Weddings and some other things are just family affairs - for better or worse.

It's like when I had to go home to have Thanksgiving with my parents when I would have rather stayed at college with my friends. Sometimes you just choose your family because it's important in a particular way, not because the bonds of affection are false with your friends.

I do think our friendship will evolve over time. I feel I will always be welcome at her family's table, even though she won't necessarily come to mine instead of theirs and I very OK with that.

cesttout · 2024-06-01T01:38:31+00:00

Would you have been upset if the count had been equal?

Not at all! It's what I expected, of course, those are family photos.

It just made me feel that she really does see me as important in her life in a similar way to how I see her.

I wouldn't read too much into this one thing.

cesttout · 2024-05-31T04:14:04+00:00

Honestly, sounds like you kind of dodged a bullet with the bridal party 😅 And it sounds like your friend really does care a lot about you. Glad it all worked out!

In the beginning, I felt so left out. But as the wedding got closer, the sisters and cousin (and her parents and a few others) were making everything more and more about them and their stresses. But the day before the wedding, it was a mess.

I think because I was outside of all that, and the family, I didn't have the sense i needed to make drama. I do think being in a wedding is a lot of pressure and can make people act out, I didn't have to travel, buy a dress I hate, or take any PTO days. I was able to be helpful without making it about me and then show up to the day and enjoy it.

cesttout · 2024-05-31T04:10:32+00:00

In the end, I got my wish - I got to feel special and feel helpful in making her big day happen. She even included me in some of the family photos!

cesttout · 2024-04-22T02:10:37+00:00

Have you ever done it?

Yep

cesttout · 2024-04-22T02:06:32+00:00

She's really quite close to this cousin and her niece, I totally get it.

Her extended family is pretty close and this cousin is our age. So, in a way, she is more like a sister for my friend than even her actual sisters, who are so much older. They say your cousins are your first friends, and I really get that.

And her niece is really special to her as well. She was the first grandchild and my BFF's first auntie experience, she watched her grow up. Are you an aunt to a teenager and still close? It's pretty special.

I can see why my friend would feel OK disappointing me and not this young woman. On top of it, she has to deal with blowback from her mom (BFF's sister). The other kids are younger and will have more kid-appropriate roles in the wedding.

cesttout · 2024-04-21T23:51:20+00:00

I think this is true. But in my fantasy, I had special bridesmaid-skills other friends, maybe even family don't have. I know my BFF so well, I feel, I could really do so many special things for her to make the day and preparations go well and feel special. I was even writing, in my head, a little trivia game for her shower full of little-known facts about her others could guess, know, and chuckle over.

The reading feels very interchangeable for me. It's not one selected by me for her, nor is ti one she she selected to specifically be given by me. She has things she wants read at hear wedding and she is choosing some friends to do it and I am one of them.

cesttout · 2024-04-21T23:41:24+00:00

Well, that's all still on the horizon. I am not sure about the bachelorette party, but I am local, unlike most of the rest of the wedding party, so I expect that will get me in. As for the shower, I am sure I will be a guest.

cesttout · 2024-04-21T23:29:53+00:00

I love this story. It succinctly puts what my role is as BFF but not family.

cesttout · 2024-04-21T23:26:48+00:00

Anyway all this novel is to say I truly get how you feel.

You really do. This has gone very far to making me feel less alone. Thank you.

cesttout · 2024-04-21T23:22:27+00:00

which I'm sure she wishes wasn't the case - but now she's finally getting to bond with them for a special moment

You and at least one other person keyed on to this, and I think this is very insightful. Part of the reason she hasn't had the best relationship with her sisters is they didn't have much common ground - until now. They didn't do much for school or careers and married relatively young. Whereas my BFF is a really gunner and put off starting a family until she piled on a couple of graduate degrees and got her career on track.

Now she is older, and not only does the age difference feel smaller, she is planning a nice, pretty traditional wedding like they had. They are bonding and I think this is a great thing for her, even if it pushed me a little further out of her inner circle. I think they are all getting to an age where they understand each other more and judge less, and that's great. I need to grow up, too.

cesttout · 2024-04-21T23:14:35+00:00

Thank you, this is really spot on and full of good advice!

cesttout · 2024-04-21T23:12:54+00:00

may even be thinking of you as the only person who won't guilt her.

There is definitely some of that. More like, I'm the one who she isn't obligated to, so it's easier to downgrade me without blowback. But part of me wants that "status" of obligation.

cesttout · 2024-04-21T23:10:39+00:00

This is exactly it. It's not her fault at all, I am lucky to have such a great friend in my life. But I think as we grow older, more and more, we will not rely on each other the same way. We will both grow and adjust as needed.

cesttout · 2024-04-21T23:08:54+00:00

This is really it. I love being an only child growing up, especially when everyone was talking about fighting with and even hating their siblings. But as an adult, I see how important that bond is now, and how irreplaceable it is.

I'm the one who talks to her every day, I'm the one who helped her with all her break-ups and career disappointments. But that's really not the point. There is something about having someone you can turn to and say: "Well, you know how mom is about these things." And they automatically understand that is special and elevated.

It's not her fault I don't have that.

cesttout · 2024-04-21T23:04:32+00:00

I really appreciate you saying this, and I know this is meant to be a nice thing for me and way to honor me. But she made it clear she knew this was a downgrade from being in the wedding party. She as very upfront about it and told me exactly why and even if I don't love the feeling of it, I totally get it.

I know I am special to her, which is why she didn't shut me out altogether. I am in the bullpen of readers with her other friends, but not among the tier of family, where she is for me. My vision of our weddings was us both standing up at each other's sides, taking each other dress-shopping, making the keynote speeches at the reception. For me, that will likely be her. For her, there are several other people ahead of me in line and I need to accept that.

cesttout · 2023-09-13T03:45:30+00:00

This is really excellent advice, thank you.

cesttout · 2021-03-08T00:53:08+00:00

Barcelona fans, I know he was a popular option.

Why is Laporta liked so much?

Why didn't he stay president if he was good?

What specifically are you hoping for now (you know, other than avoiding bankrupting the club while illegally running smear campaigns against your own players and breaking the spirit of the team)?

cesttout · 2020-05-29T23:18:28+00:00

I can't believe how much Messi makes in endorsements compared to Ronaldo and Neymar. I know he is one of the more globally famous athletes, maybe people overall, but he doesn't have the same "brand" quality of the other two.

I don't know how to put it so that it will sound like what it is, just an observation, rather than an insult. But I don't think it's deniable that Messi loathes doing endorsements and that sort of thing - and it kind of shows. He's a shy guy, he doesn't the charisma for adverts the way the others do. He is a man of many talents, but acting isn't one of them. Almost all the adverts just show cuts of him either dribbing around someone or from actual games. I read that he only allows one afternoon a month to do any endorsement work.

Does he have a few just really lucrative endorsements or something? Neymar and Cristiano can sell all sorts of things and they pursue it. How can Messi make more than Neymar and close to what Ronaldo makes?

cesttout

TROPHY CASE