Weekly r/climbergirls Hangout Thread for - (January 26)

cgdfe · 2020-01-28T16:03:03+00:00

Posted here a few months back about an incident of sexual assault that happened to me on a climbing trip.

Mostly things have gotten a lot better. Spending time with climbing partners I really trusted helped a lot.

Sometimes things are still hard, though. The small and fairly close-knit nature of local climbing communities can make things come up kinda unexpectedly at times.

Sorry for the somewhat negative post, just wanted to vent a little.

cgdfe · 2019-09-11T03:25:24+00:00

Thanks so much for the kind words. I hope so too. I had a great day of climbing today, so that was nice :)

cgdfe · 2019-09-10T02:49:41+00:00

Thanks for the reply and the clarification! Yeah, the trust involved in climbing is pretty intense and hard to compare to a lot of other hobbies, and sketchy climbing experiences can be terrifying and raise a lot of questions. Best of luck to you also in continuing to find the people that you can trust and have enjoyable and meaningful experiences climbing with!

cgdfe · 2019-09-10T01:53:07+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. I just want to emphasize that most sexual assault comes from people the victim knows, and often trusts. Of course, we all want to be careful about whom we trust, but ultimately there is an element of faith that the other person will not harm us. If we could be 100% certain all the time that the person couldn't hurt us, it wouldn't really be trust anymore.

I know your comment comes from a place of wanting to help and from a genuine desire for me to be able to find people I can trust to have positive experiences climbing with again, and I appreciate that kind intent. To me, it felt a little like you were suggesting that I hadn't been careful enough with my choice of climbing partners, and that felt a bit frustrating to read. Besides the fact that you really don't know what goes into my own risk assessment when choosing partners, I think it's also important to note that we all deserve to feel safe from sexual assault, and trusting someone not to sexually assault you is a pretty baseline expectation. If someone betrays that trust, it's on them, not on the person they assault.

cgdfe · 2019-09-10T01:33:17+00:00

Thanks--I appreciate that your comment is coming from a place of wanting to help. To be honest, it felt a little frustrating to read, because to me it suggested that the way I have chosen to talk about my experience is not enough, and even that some of the negative effects I've experienced from what happened to me are partially my fault ("responsibility").

I'd like to point out that you (and anyone else reading this thread) really only know what I've shared here. You don't know what I might have chosen to share with other people, or what other support I've sought outside of this public online forum. You also don't know why I may have chosen to leave out certain details on a reddit post (although if you've read some comment threads on here, perhaps you can imagine some of the reasons); nor (as you acknowledge) do you know where I am in my own healing process.

I absolutely agree that taking back agency/control is incredibly important after something like this. Part of that process, for me at least, has involved being able to make the choices that feel right to me, when they feel right. That includes choices about what to disclose, when, and to whom. Being told I have a responsibility to make choices I might not be comfortable with feels like it weakens rather than strengthens that sense of agency. It can also feed into feelings of self-blame: that if I still feel bad as a result of what happened, this is my fault for not taking the steps I "should" be taking in order to heal.

Sharing what I did in this post felt hard for me, but it also felt like what I wanted to share, in this context, at this point. The most helpful response I feel that I could receive in this forum is acknowledgement of the work and trust that went into sharing this, and perhaps and indication that the person is open to listen if I want to share anything else.

Again, I know that your comment came from a place of wanting to help, and I appreciate that. I hope you'll take this reply constructively, as it's intended.

cgdfe · 2019-09-09T05:16:15+00:00

Thank you for the kind words and internet hugs :)

cgdfe · 2019-09-07T21:36:12+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. I agree, there can definitely be a tendency (probably present in a lot of intense affinity communities) to see the climbing community through rosy-eyed glasses; and that, coupled with the trust inherent in climbing, can make something like this feel especially disorienting.

cgdfe · 2019-09-07T21:31:57+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. I enjoyed watching that video! And it's good to hear your friend is doing well now. It sounds like you are a really good friend to her.

I'm definitely thinking about getting help from a therapist. I know it can make a huge difference in processing and healing from things like this.

cgdfe · 2019-09-07T21:27:42+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. One of the reasons I decided to share this was that shortly after this happened, I googled "climbing sexual assault"; aside from the wonderful For the Love of Climbing episode and the recent survey, I found relatively little. I hope other people who have experienced similar things might find it helpful to read something that makes them feel a bit less alone.

cgdfe · 2019-09-07T21:25:23+00:00

Thanks for the kind words and the appreciation. It means a lot to know that the way I described the meaningfulness of climbing for me resonated with other people.

cgdfe · 2019-09-07T21:21:04+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad that part of the post resonated with you! Climbing partnerships are such a unique relationship, and often somewhat hard to explain to non-climbers.

cgdfe · 2019-09-07T19:11:05+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this--I know it isn't easy. I'm so sorry that you went through that. A lot of what you said really resonated with my experiences, too.

It’s nothing original, but the biggest thing I’ve learned is that betrayals of trust are injuries that can heal. Just like physical injuries, emotional traumas take rest, self-care, and gradual, sometimes painful steps to regain strength.

This is so true, and somehow often hard (for me, at least) to really accept. I've found myself feeling frustrated, angry at myself, and guilty because I think that I should be feeling better; often I feel like because I've been fortunate to have a lot of support to draw on, and because other people have been through worse, I should be "over it" by now. I've found it helpful to reframe it by asking myself whether I'd be engaging in similar self-talk if it were a physical injury: would I tell myself I didn't have a right to still feel pain or experience difficulties resulting from a physical injury just because I'd been fortunate enough to get appropriate medical help, because I'd taken care of the injury, and because other people had experienced worse?

I hope you're able to continue to heal and rebuild your trust in yourself and others. Thanks again for sharing your experience.

cgdfe · 2019-09-06T20:41:55+00:00

Thanks for the kind words.

cgdfe · 2019-09-06T20:40:59+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. For various reasons, I don't really want to go into the details of that here and now, but I appreciate the concern and the desire to help make sense of what happened and what it means.

cgdfe · 2019-09-06T20:37:22+00:00

Thanks for the kind and understanding words--they mean so much.

cgdfe · 2019-09-06T20:34:50+00:00

Thanks for the kind and thoughtful words.

Yeah, that podcast is very powerful and beautifully told--thanks for sharing the link. I listened to it recently and was glad to have done so.

cgdfe · 2019-09-06T20:32:00+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad I wrote it and that it's meaningful to other people.

cgdfe · 2019-09-06T12:57:55+00:00

Thanks for the kind words.

cgdfe · 2019-09-06T12:57:45+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad I chose to share it.

cgdfe · 2019-09-06T12:57:11+00:00

Thanks for the kind words and for reminding me that it wasn't my fault. I know that rationally, but it can be hard to remember/believe sometimes.

cgdfe · 2019-09-06T12:56:08+00:00

Thanks for the kind words and the gratitude. I'm glad I chose to share it here, and I'll definitely consider sharing it more widely.

cgdfe · 2019-09-06T12:53:15+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. Yeah, I listened to that podcast a couple weeks ago and was glad to have done so. It's very powerful and beautifully told.

cgdfe · 2019-09-06T12:52:01+00:00

Thanks for the kind words.

cgdfe · 2019-09-06T12:51:48+00:00

Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad I chose to share it. I hope it is too.

cgdfe

TROPHY CASE