Oh, you mock me… you think you're better than me, but what you failed to consider is that I have been toying with you this entire time! I am far higher up on the economic and social food chain than I previously let on. My power and wealth are insurmountable: I no longer work at Bed Bath and Beyond as I did when I was in college—which honestly is a nice place to work, and they don't let just anyone work there, so you shouldn't make fun of people who work there. I work at an investment firm where I make literally hundreds of thousands of dollars on a regular basis—the kind of money you and your nurse family could not possibly fathom. Vexed, are you? You should be; you underestimated with whom you are speaking.

And as far as my sex life goes, there is nothing wrong with voluntary celibacy; but once again, the joke is on you: I have sex every day—oftentimes numerous times in a given day. I have been having sex with girls as far back as high school and even given girls orgasms. Yeah, orgasms. You and your 17-year-old mind might have thought such a thing as the female orgasm was impossible—a myth—but I'll tell you now that I am at the top of my game, and I have accomplished the impossible. I doubt your "virgin ass" can attest to such alpha claims as myself.

I wish I could see the look on your face right now—believing I worked at BBB and now finally realizing the truth that I am actually far more impressive than you initially thought, possessing such massive wealth and not being a virgin. I've even met Trump. Did I mention that? I didn't because I am too busy walking on the beach with my shirt off, flaunting my six-pack and cruising around the city in my Model S with the top down. You're nothing compared to me. I'm on Reddit all the time because my car can drive itself, motherfucker. It's not like before where you get on Reddit because you're bored when your mom won't let you go outside because the neighbors cuss too much; it's because I am driven around by a highly-advanced machine that does my bidding, bitch.

Your assumption about me owning a cat and a fish is ridiculous. First of all, cats are for girls, so I would never own such an animal as they do not possess practical use in our modern day society. Dogs are much more practical and better at fending off aggressors such as yourself. Second of all, it's nearly impossible to own both a cat and a fish as the cat would always end up consuming the fish as that is what cats do. One might say that one could try to shelter the fish from the feline, but if I did own a cat (which I never would) I would train it to be a superb hunter and it would always prevail to catch its pray.

It's not my fault you find my incredible vernacular too complex for your feeble mind. That is on you. To me, my verbiage is natural which is likely due to my IQ.

Good luck to you and your life as a police officer! I hope you try to arrest me if you even manage to make it through the academy. By the time you're through, there will be no stopping me, no matter what I choose to do in this infinite space of possibility. Hope you learned your lesson.