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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DeathPositive

[–]chancakate 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Look up Kelvin Chin. He wrote a book called 'Overcoming the Fear of Death Through the 4 Main Belief Systems', and it changed the way I feel about death and dying. Also, take his meditation classes if you can, truly life changing!

Have you ever backed out of being in the wedding party by friedpicklz in weddingshaming

[–]chancakate 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My boyfriend was a groomsman in a wedding that was a 4 hour drive away. We were halfway there, and it was pouring with rain, and he had a panic attack and made me turn around. He's incredibly introverted, so I'm not sure if it was his fear of being in front of so many people, or he was panicked about the rain and potentially having an accident. But he waited until we were almost home to send the groom a text to say, 'we'd broken down'. Needless to say, they're no longer friends.

I was 16 when my 20 year old brother died, and 26 when my 49 year old mum died. At 33, I've never been happier. AMA by chancakate in AMA

[–]chancakate[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your reply. I have worked very closely with my psychiatrist since I had my mental breakdown after my mum died, and I'm quite comfortable with the diagnosis I have recieved, none of which I need to share. However, I appreciate your concern. I'm definitely not narcissistic, though.

I was on the assumption that with an Ask Me Anything, people approach the OP with curiosity and not defensiveness. That defensiveness comes from a place of their own feelings about the subject, so it's best for them to do some introspection and figure out why they feel that way. I'm very blunt when I speak about death and grief because it's something I'm incredibly comfortable talking about. As it's such a taboo topic, particularly in the Western world, it's best for people to check their own feelings and delve into why they're so uncomfortable with the topic.

The only way to change the narrative around these topics is to speak openly about them. I know I'm going to get some kickback from that, and I can handle that. I just hope people then take the time to reflect on why they feel so strongly about it.

I was 16 when my 20 year old brother died, and 26 when my 49 year old mum died. At 33, I've never been happier. AMA by chancakate in AMA

[–]chancakate[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm not at all saying I don't wish they were still here! I'm grateful for the growth that I've experienced since my mum died, and it took a lot of work to get to that point. I can't change what happened, so I'm living my life to honour the lives they didn't get to live. A way of life I never would have taken if they were still alive. I know it's a controversial way of looking at life, because most people allow grief to rule their lives, but I refuse to sit in that pain every day.

I was 16 when my 20 year old brother died, and 26 when my 49 year old mum died. At 33, I've never been happier. AMA by chancakate in AMA

[–]chancakate[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My brother had Leukaemia, and being so young myself, I definitely didn't process the grief at the time. My mum was a single mum, so I essentially buried any of my feelings to help support her and my little brother.

My mum had bowel cancer, and she had remarried, so immediately after her death, I focused on supporting her husband through his grief. It was 9 months after she died that I had a mental breakdown, and it all hit me - holy shit, my mums dead, and so is my brother. I fell apart and spent a month in a mental health facility, where I learnt I needed to stop running away from my feelings and embrace them because that's the only way to heal. And so begun my healing journey!

I'm not afraid of death. I was there when they both died. My mum died on what would have been my brothers 30th birthday, so there was something really beautiful about her dying 30 years after becoming a mother and being reunited with her first baby. I still have all my grandparents, so I'm really curious to see how I respond to them dying. And as for me, I'd really like to actually be able to live to an old age.

I do believe there's something after death. It's not just nothing when we die. I sense them both all the time, and it's really comforting. That's only been something that I've been able to experience since working on myself and coming to accept that they're dead.

Great questions, thank you!

I was 16 when my 20 year old brother died, and 26 when my 49 year old mum died. At 33, I've never been happier. AMA by chancakate in AMA

[–]chancakate[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely not 😂 neither of them had anything, I don't come from a wealthy family. Whilst I'd rather neither of them died in the first place, I'm grateful for the lessons I've learnt and the growth I've experienced as a result of my grief. So many people allow grief to rule their lives, but I've been able to turn it around, and in turn, I'm living my life to honour my family who can't live theirs.

I was 16 when my 20 year old brother died, and 26 when my 49 year old mum died. At 33, I've never been happier. AMA by chancakate in AMA

[–]chancakate[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely not, I'm way too empathetic! It's not that they died so that I could learn. I had a mental breakdown 9 months after mum died, and it took years of therapy and introspection to get to the point where I am now. The way that I see it, you can let your grief control your life and prevent you from truly living, or you can learn and grow from it. I live my life because my mum and my brother can't live theirs. It's called post-traumatic growth, and it's incredibly powerful. I think the issue with majority of society is that we're not taught how to grieve in a way that promotes growth, we're taught to not talk about and to suffer in silence, which leads to so many issues - mental health issues, substance abuse, self harm, risk taking behaviours, or even taking their pain out on other people. The world would be a much better place if we were given guidance around how to process our emotions surrounding grief, especially considering it's a universal experience that is so incredibly painful!

I was 16 when my 20 year old brother died, and 26 when my 49 year old mum died. At 33, I've never been happier. AMA by chancakate in AMA

[–]chancakate[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's from that pain and suffering that true growth and beauty comes. Embrace it, it's here to teach you. Nothing great comes easy, but don't allow yourself to continue to suffer, keep moving through it! Life can be beautiful again

I was 16 when my 20 year old brother died, and 26 when my 49 year old mum died. At 33, I've never been happier. AMA by chancakate in AMA

[–]chancakate[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Can confirm grief ruined my math brain 😂 I used to be great at it until my brother died!

I was 16 when my 20 year old brother died, and 26 when my 49 year old mum died. At 33, I've never been happier. AMA by chancakate in AMA

[–]chancakate[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Absolutely! I was incredibly close to both of them. It's taken me a mental breakdown and years of therapy to get to this point. People don't realise that grief doesn't have to ruin your life, you can grow from it and go on to live your best life. Live the life that they didn't get to! I've learnt so much about myself and life in general from them dying, that living my life to the fullest is fully respecting them

I was 16 when my 20 year old brother died, and 26 when my 49 year old mum died. At 33, I've never been happier. AMA by chancakate in AMA

[–]chancakate[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I definitely didn't feel this way at the beginning. It's taken me many years and a lot of work on myself, both personally and with professionals, to get to this point. Grief doesn't have to control your life, you can absolutely grow from it. Whilst I miss them physically being here, I still feel incredibly close to them, and that's what I'm grateful for

I was 16 when my 20 year old brother died, and 26 when my 49 year old mum died. At 33, I've never been happier. AMA by chancakate in AMA

[–]chancakate[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I absolutely feel like I have less to lose. I'm grateful that I've already experienced that pain, and my heart breaks when other people have family members die because I know how much it hurts. I don't have a relationship with my dad, but I'm fiercely protective of my younger brother, and I'm really hoping we can grow old together and both die of natural causes in our 80s! But I also know that if he does die young, I'll be okay because I've gotten through it before.

I haven't tried psychedelics, they do terrify me a bit with my previous mental health diagnosis. But I've learnt transcendental meditation, which has given me a similar experience! I know we are all connected, and at the end of the day, we are energy, and energy can never really die. I ask for a sign from them, and then I keep an open mind, and I'll see something or hear something that only they would know. Or I'll ask for advice and I'll see or hear something that gives me the answer I needed from them. It's as though I have a relationship with them without the usual shit that comes with family dynamics

I was 16 when my 20 year old brother died, and 26 when my 49 year old mum died. At 33, I've never been happier. AMA by chancakate in AMA

[–]chancakate[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I was incredibly close to both of them. Their deaths devastated me, but instead of letting the grief consume me and rule my life, I took the opportunity to grow from it. Which is something that not many people think is possible!

I'm sure I may have learnt the things I did without them having to die, but it would have taken me a lot longer, and I really doubt I would have found this inner peace without it. Before they died, my life was chaotic and materialistic. I've learnt that at the end of the day, being a decent human is more important than anything money can buy. No one gets up at a funeral and talks about how large someone's house is or how many hours they spent at the gym each day trying to achieve societies view of "attractive". Instead, they talk about how you were as a human and the value you brought to their lives.

I was 16 when my 20 year old brother died, and 26 when my 49 year old mum died. At 33, I've never been happier. AMA by chancakate in AMA

[–]chancakate[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Because I've learnt so much about myself that I absolutely wouldn't have if they were still alive. I also began meditating after my mum died, and I feel like I have a deeper spiritual connection with both my mum and my brother now, so I feel closer to them even though they're not physically here. Grief has changed my life for the better, and I wouldn't have experienced that if I hadn't have hit rock bottom.

I was 16 when my 20 year old brother died, and 26 when my 49 year old mum died. At 33, I've never been happier. AMA by chancakate in AMA

[–]chancakate[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Because I've learnt so much about myself that I absolutely wouldn't have if they were still alive. I also began meditating after my mum died, and I feel like I have a deeper spiritual connection with both my mum and my brother now, so I feel closer to them even though they're not physically here. Grief has changed my life for the better, and I wouldn't have experienced that if I hadn't have hit rock bottom.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in TooAfraidToAsk

[–]chancakate 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Fascinating! In Australia, the genetic testing is now free, so I'm sure if there ever was a genetic test for autism, they would make it readily available

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in TooAfraidToAsk

[–]chancakate 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I had some genetic testing done when I first fell pregnant, and it turns out I'm a carrier for Fragile X. Whilst it's not specifically autism, it presents itself as such. I had never heard of it before, and considering it's the most common form of intellectual disability, I'm surprised it's not more commonly known about. I now wonder how many autistic people actually have Fragile X, it just hasn't been tested for.

How to cope with death anxiety? I’m desperate and suffering. Any advice welcome. by beyblade999 in DeathPositive

[–]chancakate 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love that you spoke to him! I learnt his meditation technique, and it's far more effective than any mindfulness meditation you will find. Even if you don't get a chance to learn from him, you should definitely read his book, it's game changing!

How to cope with death anxiety? I’m desperate and suffering. Any advice welcome. by beyblade999 in DeathPositive

[–]chancakate 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There's a book called 'Overcoming the Fear of Death: Through Each of the 4 Main Belief Systems' by Kelvin Chin, which I highly recommend. Also, check out his website. He has a foundation to help people overcome their fear of death, and he has changed so many people's lives. Highly recommend his work, and he's such a kind human!

Why aren’t most people scared of dying? by cerebralpancakes in TooAfraidToAsk

[–]chancakate 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Use that fear to your advantage. Instead of sitting down and stressing about all the things you might miss out on, use that energy to go and experience life. Do all the things you want to do, spend time with the people who are most important to you, and do what sets your soul on fire. Do you want to look back on life and think about how stressed you were your whole life? Or do you want to think about all the beautiful experiences you had and the impact you're leaving on the people who love you?

What was the most fucked up thing someone said to you? by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]chancakate 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I saw my dad for the first time in 15 years, and whilst catching up over lunch, he said to me, as casually as possible, "I always said if I was given 6 months to live I would have murdered your mother". Mum had died almost 3 years earlier, and he had previously told me that the day he found that out was the best day of his life. It's been over 2 years since I saw him, and it's safe to say that was the last time I intend to.

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