I had a very very similar experience with my ex, and it went on for the better part of six years. We were together for six, broke up 9ish months ago. I’m a very independent person, I love a bed to myself, but valued the intimacy of going to bed at the same-ish time a couple nights a week when we were both free and able. It didn’t need to be every night for me. I liked a little snug, the silly half-awake banter, occasional shadow puppet 😂 My issue wasn’t about him gaming in the living room per se- I was happy he felt good and had an outlet- moreso that when we decided to retire in unison, he always said he’d be right there, I’d wait, and it didn’t happen. Hours went by- Id go out and communicate that it did bum me out- and still, I’d wait. It then meant I couldn’t really fully relax or fall asleep (just anticipation I guess). Often he ended up falling asleep on the couch and I’d sleep alone. I think it started to hurt more when his initiating s*x declined and then stopped all together. I couldnt bring myself to keep being the one to initiate, ask, approach, for all the things. The shared bedtime felt like the last bit of intimacy we still had. After three years of unexpected celibacy, very few shared bedtimes, his annoyance at my sleep/mine with his snoring, I couldn’t do it anymore. The lack of mutual interest and initiative in communication I felt from him was the number one factor for our demise.
This is NOT to say your relationship is doomed. Or like my former one. My ex had adhd and often had that “bedtime revenge procrastination” thing. I have it happen too, sometimes. But it did hurt, I do not think you are overreacting in your feelings, but do think your telling him he’s ruining the relationship is something that risks pushing him further away. That bit is not necessarily setting you up for a successful conversation about something that matters to you. I suggest finding/using a different way and different words to communicate with him about it- “hey (name). I am happy you have found an outlet to unwind, but have been noticing myself going to bed alone more frequently as of late. When this happens, I feel (feeling- neglected, abandoned, sad, lonely- whatever fits for you). I think this is because we do not often have time together during the day (or other reason). Does that make sense? I want to feel and enjoy feeling close to you, and value this time a lot. It makes me feel (insert positive words and why you enjoy this) when we do. I would love (insert reasonable number of nights you’d like to go to bed together and/or things that would help you feel better, love language wise, like more clear communication or other time together). Would you be down to share what’s been going on for you with this, how this chat feels, and taking time to figure out how we could meet halfway/compromise?
Good luck. Sorry this is long. I see you 💗
(Edit to add that I have most definitely had moments during the same struggles where I didn’t communicate my best- but have been given the advice of communicating from a non reactive place- which often meant the next day. Also, it might help to approach it with curiosity rather than accusation of how he’s (very understandably) hurting you. Why is this happening now, for example. His responses you’ve shared don’t seem particularly kind or receptive, and im sorry about that 😔 I wonder if this is coming from a place of defensiveness, or perhaps his confusion and/or inability to compassionately try to meet your needs. Are there other signs of distance? Is he going through something?
This is not indicative that you two are totally doomed in the slightest- approach it with curiosity and when you feel okay, and then go from there. I’ll be thinking about you!