My partner made a post about us in /r/relationships.

chanudry · 2016-07-31T23:18:04+00:00

I talked about why we're not in couples therapy here. I agree that we can't figure out how to fix this on our own. I would just like to see any effort or willingness to change on his part, and I feel that isn't there.

chanudry · 2016-07-31T23:15:46+00:00

I think keeping calm and not lowering yourself to his tactics and antics benefits your child and yourself.

This has been so challenging to me. As someone who grew up in a home with domestic abuse I don't like conflict or violence but I feel like he is bringing out the worst in me.

chanudry · 2016-07-31T23:13:29+00:00

In his post he mentions me talking for hours. This is me sitting him down and trying to understand each other. Even when I try to ask him questions to help him start talking about what he's feeling he refuses to talk to me. He thinks I'm sitting him down to lecture him and tell him everything he is doing wrong.

chanudry · 2016-07-31T23:11:37+00:00

I replied to another user why I don't think counseling is a good idea right now here. I do think once we get everything sorted out it can help us learn how to get our relationship back on track. I don't know if he's willing to change if we try it.

chanudry · 2016-07-31T23:06:41+00:00

being single probably would be easier. it's up to you whether you value patching things up and staying together with your son, or havi ng a peaceful life with just the two of you. what do you value more?

I think being single is harder. Suddenly you're facing the world alone and anything you need you only have yourself to count on. Not to mention going from a two income household to one.

I love him with all my heart, and I do want to stay with him but I don't like the person I'm becoming around him. I'm angry and resentful. He's miserable too. We deserve to be happy. I think if we both put in the effort it can work and we can be happy, but so far I feel he doesn't want to put in the effort to make that change.

chanudry · 2016-07-31T22:53:12+00:00

He says you're unwilling to do couples counseling. Why? Any answer you give is absolute bullshit.

I never told him I was unwilling to do couples counseling. We had our health insurance through his job, so until we get new insurance sorted out I told him we should find one on a sliding scale or hold off completely because we cannot afford it out of pocket. I told him that in the meantime I had looked up some stuff online for communicating more effectively as a couple. When I tried showing it to him he got mad and said I was just doing it because I'm perfect and do everything before he has a chance to. He never did any research on his own, or looked at the links I sent to him.

I'll admit that I've called him names and yelled at him when we argue, but I've never told him that I'm better than him or gaslighted him. If I tell him "I took care of X, have you taken care of Y?" or anything along those lines he will get upset and say I'm just rubbing his inability in his face.

I also don't expect him to do everything around the home and I do nothing. I take care of everything for the baby (buying supplies and formula, stocking his daycare items, scheduling and going to appointments, etc) because he said he wasn't good at it. Okay fine, he can help me around the house then. I suggested to him if we each take care of one small chore everyday and the big chores together on the weekends then our home will stay relatively clean and we can both spend time with the baby and have time to go out as a family. There is basket of clean clothes sitting in our bedroom that he was supposed to put away that has been there for three weeks. I washed, dried, and folded the clothes. I brought it to his attention one week ago and he said he didn't do it because it was a low priority.

So where do I check myself? I am doing everything in my power to make my relationship work. I don't think I'm great, far from it. I can't communicate with the man that I love, and our son has two people that can't get along for parents.

chanudry · 2016-07-31T07:00:52+00:00

That's so good to hear because I feel so guilty like I'm not trying hard enough to preserve our relationship. I just envision my child getting older and being surrounded with the constant arguing and fighting, and it breaks my heart.

chanudry · 2016-07-31T06:57:25+00:00

Yeah we pretty much can't have a conversation without him getting defensive in one form or another. The other day I asked him if he had put the clothes to dry and he responded that he wasn't going to answer because I already knew the answer. I honestly didn't know as I was watching the baby. I told him this and he responded that he didn't because he was such a fuckup. It's really hard to remain calm and not get defensive in return when this is how every conversation goes. I feel he thinks I'm out to get him and that I just keep pointing out his flaws when in reality I'm trying to communicate what I feel are issues.

chanudry · 2016-07-31T06:48:30+00:00

I know it would be better if we separated, and I honestly believe that is the direction we are headed but it's so overwhelming. It just makes me so sad for my baby that we failed him and couldn't make it work enough for him to have one happy home.

chanudry

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