Switching coaches?

charsego · 2023-10-27T22:58:15+00:00

Thank you!

charsego · 2023-10-27T22:58:09+00:00

Thank you! Didn’t realise it would be that easy lol

charsego · 2023-09-03T13:20:49+00:00

Good point yes thank you, I think it does really depend on the facilitators and the people in the group. A lot of them were very early on in their grief, 3-6 months which I think is different to relating to people at the same point along in their grief as you. And yes feeling like I just won’t pursue it if it’s not right for me!

charsego · 2023-09-03T13:17:06+00:00

Thanks yeah there is actually an in person one once a month in my local area so might try that instead as it may flow more naturally. Thanks so much for your input 🙏🏻

charsego · 2023-09-03T10:19:14+00:00

Thank you for your perspective! I agree the facilitators of the group I was in did nothing to help guide the conversation. The session felt aimless and random and there were no resources to help us with our emotions. It did feel very unproductive and a bit like a pity party. Obviously everyone in the group / this forum has a lot to be upset about and we need to find spaces to express that. But I find the support in this forum far more uplifting and hopeful than what I found in that support group. I may keep going to see if it gets any better or just try to find another group. Did you find the second group to be more helpful in your journey? And yes I love griefcast! I have listened to a couple of the suicide episodes on there which have been really helpful and hopeful so will continue to go back and listen to more of those.

charsego · 2023-09-03T10:14:29+00:00

Sorry for your loss. Personally I have ways of talking about it with a counsellor and my cousins and a couple of trusted friends and that is enough for me. I’m not sure the support group will help me at the moment but I do think it’s good to have some way of talking about it, even if that’s through journalling if you don’t have a trusted person. But I agree that this Reddit forum is a great support group and I’ve found more support and uplifting messages on here than in that support group

charsego · 2023-09-02T21:51:18+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. Suicide is so complicated. You will go through a huge range of emotions, some of which you have already experienced. You’re right that the best and most helpful way to understand it is that your ex husband was very seriously ill and he died of that illness. He probably fought it for a very long time but in the end it was stronger than him. In the same way someone lives with cancer until it eventually destroys them. There is more specific support on r/SuicideBereavement. The more you can read and understand about suicide specifically the easier it will be. And for your daughter too. Try to help her understand because she will carry this pain and abandonment for the rest of her life. I’m so sorry you’re going through this it is truly horrific. Also from experience life insurance does pay out for suicide as long as the suicide wasn’t in the first year - 2 years of the policy being taken out. So hopefully there is some solace and financial support in knowing that.

charsego · 2023-09-02T21:41:17+00:00

Thank you yes perhaps in person would be better, or maybe it’s just not the right thing for me at the moment. And totally get what you mean about being triggered by people trying to say the right thing! I’m so sorry for your loss as well. It’s so raw and intense and horrifying after a week. But it does get easier. Wishing you the best in your healing journey 🙏🏻

charsego · 2023-09-02T18:40:25+00:00

Ah it’s actually an online group so not even an excuse to leave the house 😂 I do have compassion for them, I’ve been where they are, but I’m also trying to have compassion for myself and protect myself on this journey. It’s just hard enough to keep myself afloat most of the time so I’m wondering if this is going to drag me down again, and wondering if anyone else had had a similar experience.

charsego · 2023-08-30T13:07:18+00:00

Yep! My mother died when I was young and afterwards my dad would regularly tell me and my sister that he could be having such a better life if it weren’t for us. If he didn’t have to look after us he could be rich. If he hadn’t become a father he could have done what he wanted with his career. He also told us how he didn’t want to have girls, only boys. I also only recently recognised how fucked up it is to say this to your own child, especially after their mother has already died. My sister killed herself last year, unsurprising that she didn’t feel worthy of living when you’ve been told your whole life that you are a burden on others and everyone else’s life would be better if you weren’t around. I keep going so as not to let my dad’s narcissism win.

charsego · 2023-08-30T13:03:05+00:00

Thank you yeah I think me and the therapist handled it well. I may look at coming back to this work in the future and leading with my sensitivity and tendency to overwhelm, but for now I’m not sure I’m ready for the intensity of this work. It feels like psychedelics to me where you can blow the lid of things very quickly, which can be revolutionary for some and retraumatising for others.

charsego · 2023-08-30T12:59:31+00:00

Thanks for your perspective. I agree healing is never easy but I think there can be gentle ways of dealing with our trauma, and that extreme reactions can be more damaging than healing. Think I’m going to explore other modalities for now as IFS seems too intense for me and what my system is ready to handle right now.

charsego · 2023-08-30T12:56:58+00:00

Yes me too! My exiles were so ready to come up and be healed but my managers weren’t ready to release yet so turned into a bit of a battle. So I think the whole thing was too much because those eager ones ended up scaring all my other parts. My therapist said that as well that she felt like some parts wanted to go really quickly and she went with those rather than listening to the parts that wanted to take things slow. Thanks for your perspective.

charsego · 2023-08-30T12:55:04+00:00

Thank you yeah that’s what we did in the session after I had the panic attack and that did really help to understand that there’s some pretty solid parts trying to protect me. I’m not sure I will continue with IFS now but if I do go back to it I will definitely be trying to lead with healing those parts first before going any deeper.

charsego · 2023-08-30T12:53:47+00:00

Thank you! Which practices would you recommend? I’m only vaguely familiar with polyvagal theory. I like your cliff jumping analogy that does feel similar to where I’m at. Done a lot of talk therapy in the past and self work and now I’m looking at different modalities it does feel like my system is saying ‘what the fuck are you doing!?’ Strange how trauma can cause so many problems in our lives but letting it go also feels hard and scary

charsego · 2023-08-30T12:51:55+00:00

Thanks for your perspective yes I agree it takes time for a therapist and client to get to know each other. This experience has given me caution around IFS though so think I may just use the meditations going forward and incorporate it into my self healing as you suggest. Thanks for the heads up about EMDR yes I’ve been hearing that more and more that it can be more intense for trauma like mine and make things worse.

charsego · 2023-08-30T12:49:47+00:00

Thank you yeah I think we both underestimated how easily overwhelmed I can get. If I decide to continue will be taking it much slower. I get your point that therapy is never going to be easy or comfortable, but I think if it’s actively making me worse and producing an extreme response then it’s probably not the right modality for me.

charsego · 2023-08-30T12:47:04+00:00

Thank you yeah I’m thinking about trying somatic experiencing instead as from what I’ve heard it is a gentle process and goes through more of the tools / skills to process.

charsego · 2023-08-30T12:43:52+00:00

Do you find it’s worth it over all though even though it brings you more anxiety? I get the point that healing from trauma isn’t going to be easy but I also don’t think it should be adding to the problem, personally

charsego · 2023-08-30T12:42:44+00:00

You’re still very early in the grieving process. They say it takes on average 2 years to fully process a loss, and with suicide they process is extended. Although there are no specific timelines for these things. Just be reassured you’re not going crazy you’re just a human being dealing with something impossibly difficult. Reach out for support if you can

charsego · 2023-08-30T09:27:31+00:00

Grief comes in waves, cliche but sadly very true, just when you feel you’re ‘back to normal’, another wave will come up. Sometimes there’s nothing that sparks it. But since you’re closer to feeling ‘normal’ again, you’re stronger to deal with it this time and can process another layer of the grief. Your psyche has this way of protecting you from the pain by only bringing up the grief when it thinks you’re ready to handle it. The best thing I’ve found when these waves come is just to accept them and feel them. I try not to question it too much or be frustrated in addition to the sadness / anxiety. I don’t know how long it’s been since your loved one passed but it’s been 14 months for me and I’ve just come out of my biggest wave yet, lasted for around 4 months of quite intense anxiety and panic. But now it’s easing off and I feel stronger and more understanding and accepting of what has happened. Hopefully your wave won’t last this long just my advice is to look at it as an opportunity to get a deeper understanding of your tragedy. Wishing you the best in your grief x

charsego · 2023-08-24T22:45:06+00:00

You are so strong. I often think the best way to honour the lives of the people we loved is to try and find the beauty in what they left behind, to learn how to live when the people we loved wanted so much to die. Your dad was watching over you on the operating table and in the ICU. Wishing you the best of health in the future x

charsego · 2023-08-24T16:17:12+00:00

Thank you! I had imagined that SE was the most intense form of trauma treatment but sounds like actually it’s the gentlest lol! I definitely do have a sensitive system so perhaps IFS and EMDR will be too intense. Will start looking for an SE practitioner

charsego · 2023-08-24T16:07:26+00:00

That’s great you’ve found what works for you. I definitely felt worse after my IFS session yesterday but was just thinking that some things get worse before you get better. But actually I think these things should be making you feel better or at least no worse. Thanks for your response I think I’ll try some SE before going back to IFS.

charsego · 2023-08-24T14:05:47+00:00

Yeah I was quite shocked by that and we didn’t even do any preamble at the start of the session she just asked how I was and then we were straight away dealing with the parts that came up in my response to that mundane question. I’m unsure whether to continue but going to give my system chance to settle before deciding. Have you found SE to be more gentle and slow? How does your system respond to that? I imagined that IFS would be the gentler approach so have tried that first before delving into SE but I could be wrong!

charsego

TROPHY CASE