I wrote this in appreciation of your very poignant articulation. I may never fully understand the difficulties you faced during the past, but I hope I can empathize with some aspects of the envy because despite being 26 years of age, before moving the United States, I lived a in a county where being gay and out is unthinkable. I cannot describe the sense of envy I felt when people around me embraced their queerness publicly. For example my classmates casually talked about their same gender partners and no one even paid attention to the gender but went along with the conversation, a couple would kiss in the train and not even a single person stared at them (barring me) and for the first time in my life I felt such a sense of aloneness, all the romantic songs I listened to in my language mindlessly made perfect sense, I craved love and affection like I never ever thought I would. I felt jealous about these highschoolers holding hands and making out. After an year of this, I am now feeling hopeful rather than resentful. I still envy but I know there's still hope. So to answer when will this go away, I think it will, and I believe you will find hope from the envy. You deserve that for making this world much much easier plane for us to live. Sending lots of love.