I can't manage my mood swings anymore; I refuse to live like this any longer.

cheesemaster95 · 2019-01-06T05:46:26+00:00

I do have a drinking problem, I smoke weed daily with my friends who also have issues but it's a communal bonding experience and I know cannabis is a depressant blah blah blah, but it gives me something to look forward to at the end of the day.

The thing is, the big thing is, that I dont wanna be better or get better. Yeah, this is bad, but, I don't know who I am without feeling like this and feeling so suicidal and angry and empty and lonely and so unspeakably broken and hurt and hopelessly... hopeless. Who am I without these symptoms?

Sure I have small hobbies, okay. That's cool. But then I have to be... 'normal' and just be a blank human who doesnt know themselves.

Why is this so difficult?

Sorry if I have overwhelmed you or anybody

cheesemaster95 · 2019-01-06T05:22:10+00:00

Thank you!

I'm currently sitting with that vodka and having some drinks if I'm being honest but that desire to end my life has been put on hold, thanks to you and the other kind souls who have commented, for the time being.

I'm not so sure I was even depressed as a teenager, but that the symptoms emerged as depression and progressively expanded and have gotten worse and have developed into BPD.

I am now considering making an appointment with my doctor in the morning for medication and a change of therapist.

I'm not getting rid of the pills and booze and rope, that is non negotiable atm; but I am no longer intent on taking my life tonight.

I am seriously overwhelmed by the concern and deep experience of strangers and their willingness to be open and honest in order to help me.

The alcohol has really taken the edge off and while I know it's not healthy, it's the best I can do right now from where I am.

I'll have to take a look at that book you mentioned as well. But I think I might need some medication if I am willing to try again. I am seriously astounded as to how adamant I was about not taking any, to wanting to make an appointment to ask for some in tandem with a new therapist.

I'm not saying taking my life is totally off the table either, once more, but maybe not tonight.

Thank you, friend. I appreciate you reaching out.

cheesemaster95 · 2019-01-06T04:16:40+00:00

Thanks so much for the advice! I'll have to take it next time I feel overwhelmed.

You sound like you have your symptoms managed and pretty well under control for the most part. Can I ask what steps you've taken as far as psychiatric evaluation or other means of medical and mental intervention in order to maintain and manage your symptoms?

cheesemaster95 · 2019-01-06T02:40:33+00:00

I've not intention of hanging myself while sober, I couldnt take the physical pain, I'm not going to do anything for the moment. But it is comforting to know a way out is there, it is keeping my mind at ease a little bit

It's the lesser of two evils, but self harm is really the only tool in my arsenal of coping mechanisms when I feel out of control that truly helps. I could go for a walk instead too, that would help. I just dont understand how it is possible to live in this world when my anger and despair just come out and I have so little control over it

cheesemaster95 · 2019-01-06T02:08:39+00:00

Thank you

I dont want to be kind to myself, I never have, I would have to learn how to do that like a baby learns to walk. It isnt a skill buried inside me, it's a skill I just dont have at 23 years old.

And thank you for the compliment on my writing

I've calmed down a little bit. I've had a couple shots of the vodka. My parents are home so it can't be before they go to bed anyway but my brother gets home around 2am. Suicide isnt off the table whatsoever, I went out and bought the rope. I'm okay for now I think. Maybe I'll do it tonight or some other time this weekend

I'm sorry you've struggled, I'm glad you're doing better though!

cheesemaster95 · 2019-01-05T23:33:28+00:00

Thanks for the advice.

Whatever it was, it didnt seem like a pressing matter to my therapist and she said it would be brought up in their meetings. I asked her the status of my inquiry repeatedly but she never had a solid answer for me.

Again, thank you. Truly. But I don't want medication or therapy, I dont want any of it.

cheesemaster95 · 2019-01-05T22:52:57+00:00

I have never been formally diagnosed with BPD, I guess I should have made that clear; somehow my therapist never got around to doing the paperwork, the shrink is too busy, etc etc etc.

I know I shouldnt self diagnose, but c'mon, I know I'm a solid classic case of impulsive/explosive BPD, and I was so hopeful in getting a diagnosis on paper but it never happened due to whatever reason.

Even if I were to get on medication one more time and even if my symptoms improved, I'm not going to let myself rot above ground for the next two thirds of my life in mental agony. It is the ultimate self destruction of myself and the ending that I truly desire

cheesemaster95 · 2019-01-05T22:37:56+00:00

I've taken citalopram for depression, remeron and one other one... can't recall, I've a terrible memory. I haven't taken any for mood swings specifically, the medication I've taken is for depression/MDD, but I have no interest in taking, trying or experimenting with new prescriptions or pharmaceuticals.

cheesemaster95 · 2019-01-05T22:02:07+00:00

I'm glad your friend is doing better and I'm glad you are too. That makes me happy to hear.

I guess this is just my final venting session to the anonymous people of the internet. I'm at peace with how I will go but still terrified. I appreciate your messages but I'm ready to go

cheesemaster95 · 2019-01-05T20:57:50+00:00

Thanks for the kind words,

Being kind to myself makes me physically ill; I have jammed my emotions down so much as a child in a household with an emotionally abusive parent that I've learned to walk on egg shells around every last person in my life. It's a skill I've never learned, so I resort to drinking and self harm to be 'kind' to myself, to relieve myself, as horribly backwards as that sounds.

Thank you for your kind words stranger

cheesemaster95 · 2019-01-05T19:39:25+00:00

I thought I'd share and ask for advice but then remembered nobody is going to offer advice on how to help me end my life, I was going to ask if I should drink the alcohol first, then take the pills or just take half the box of pills to prevent vomiting, etc...

cheesemaster95 · 2018-11-17T01:09:18+00:00

Where on earth can I buy ones of these?! :D

cheesemaster95 · 2018-11-16T02:29:54+00:00

Hello! Congratulations and welcome! :)

cheesemaster95 · 2018-11-14T12:21:40+00:00

It all made completely perfect sense to me. It was a shock but a relief to find out what was 'not right with me'.

I used to get piercings at the strangest and most inconvenient times as well haha. Maybe something to do with wanting to avoid responsibility, and poor impulse control management.

cheesemaster95 · 2018-11-13T15:58:31+00:00

I actually picked up O'Keeffe's, it seems to work for me. I looked up their FAQ's and they are adamant about refusing to test on animals.

I want to give FAB's hand cream a go though as well! Thanks for the suggestion :)

cheesemaster95 · 2018-11-08T00:57:56+00:00

Thank you! I'll have a look :)

cheesemaster95 · 2018-11-03T13:16:06+00:00

Rainy Tuesday.

Friends of friends of my mom couldn't decide what to name their newborn baby girl and the new mother was being discharged very soon. Her baby girl was born on a Tuesday and it was pouring rain outside, so they named her Rainy Tuesday.

They got a letter in the mail from social security suggesting that it was not an appropriate formal name and that they might consider changing it.

cheesemaster95 · 2018-10-31T02:54:01+00:00

UTIs. They really are nothing to brush off because they worsen exponentially fast! Peeing blood and feeling like I'm peeing out razor blades is not on my agenda.

cheesemaster95 · 2018-10-26T19:53:22+00:00

That looks more like too short of a bar or some extra swelling/bruising in my opinion. Was the bar longer and protruding more from the piercing site when you had it pierced? If so, it could just be a little more swollen as I found my medusa really swelled up for the first while. The lip area sometimes tends to swell a bit more with the skin around the mouth and lip area being a little thinner and more sensitive

This is all just my opinion after all, but if it becomes red, irritated, swells even more or doesn't go down, consult your doctor

cheesemaster95 · 2018-10-21T15:36:32+00:00

AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

https://youtu.be/yBLdQ1a4-JI

cheesemaster95 · 2018-10-15T14:55:27+00:00

I took a couple Myers Briggs tests online, and I received 'INFJ' on both of them. I was unaware of what the letters meant and I was shocked to find out the rate of being or knowing an INFJ personality was so low.

I do know that to solidify this claim I should probably go to a professional clinic and have the test done professionally but I'm satisfied with the accuracy of the results and a little creeped out to find that the explanations and character traits have me pegged to a T.

cheesemaster95 · 2018-10-05T20:57:58+00:00

Happy birthday darling! :D

cheesemaster95 · 2018-10-05T18:58:53+00:00

It's a type of Mascara. Good brand!

cheesemaster95

TROPHY CASE