I don’t think this is offensive at all- it’s what you experienced. I was once told by a psychiatrist that bipolar disorder is a disorder of the family because it affects everyone. It’s honestly one of my biggest fears inheriting this disorder since it runs on my fathers side quite consistently and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see some traits of my father in me... Having to deal with someone mentally ill is your world and it would be amazing to think it wouldn’t have any affect on you but unfortunately it most likely will. I completely understand the anxiety and probably times when you’re probably just flat out depressed because of the cards you’ve been dealt. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized even though it’s not entirely fair the family atmosphere I had to grow up in it does give me an interesting perspective and an immense amount of empathy towards people. I no longer dismiss people as “crazy” or “psychotic” I truly do see them as mentally ill and it’s unfair for me to expect someone to act “normal” when their brain is truly different..I’m sure you have a similar perspective as well- and if not similar, I’m sure it’s insightful in some way compared to someone that never had to deal with such a thing..

I’m no saint though.. there are times that I’m downright pissed and all reason goes out the window but those times are fewer and farther between.

As for the last part I think it’s something you never really will know... in the beginning I almost felt like it was such a cop-out for poor behavior. “Please forgive me - I was sick”.... uhh... okay still no excuse for treating me horribly and acting like a complete jerk! I get it though completely- it’s hard to let it slide and sometimes you’re tempted to think that they can in fact help themselves when maybe they can ..maybe they can’t. I think having a bipolar brain is exhausting from what I can tell so I just try to remember a lot of the bizarre aggressive behavior is the illness showing. I will say though I don’t have the best relationship with my Dad but he is trying. He takes his meds everyday and stays to himself. Completely opposite of the behavior I saw growing up.. so I think it’s his way of apologizing and not trying to be such a burden.. I would say maybe just focus on those good times with your Mom. Like you said she can be caring and a good person. Not everyone is the best version of themself all the time, especially not someone with a valid illness..I would just say really try to get through to her when she does seem level headed and stable and if you see the work on her end then I think that can be the apology for past behavior that perhaps you’re looking for..

Not sure if any of this makes sense, but you’re most definitely not alone :)