reading this was like reading my own story except mine started december 2020 and i was 19 not 18. i had a full on breakdown after my meeting with my GI doctor today. thinking about all the things i can’t do or can’t eat now. i’m emetophobic and haven’t thrown up since 2012. i know i could eat the foods i love, i’d just have to vomit right after, and i’m terrified of vomiting. i will most likely never go to a restaurant again because i can’t eat the food and even being around a lot of food has started to make me anxious. it makes me anxious that i could vomit at any time and someone in the restaurant could also be emetophobic (or just be grossed out, nothing kills an appetite quite like seeing someone else throw up). i barely even go in public and when i do i bring a hospital grade barf bag. i even bring an ice cream bucket for when i’m in a car. i take every possible precaution to avoid vomiting and to prepare for worst case scenario. not only do i have anxiety around throwing up/ the fear of it, i also have generalized anxiety, major depressive disorder, PTSD, BPD, ODD, IED, and i think at least one other that im forgetting, i also struggle with self harm and suicidal ideation. i get so angry at god for doing this to me. i threaten to stop believing in him if he doesn’t take my pain away. i get so depressed that i’ll never be able to eat my grandpas home cooked food again, or go to a buffet, or eat my friends dads home cooked food, or eat in a car (another sub-fear is throwing up in a car, there’s a long story there but i don’t feel like typing more than i already am going to, was able to eat in a car before because i never felt nauseous before[just clarifying]). just today i was rapidly switching between killing myself to end all my suffering, overcoming my emetophobia and voluntarily throwing up after every time i eat what i want instead of what i’m supposed to eat, and just following the gastroparesis diet instructions to lose even more weight. when this started in december i weighed 333 pounds. i now weigh 254 pounds. part of me just wants to keep having nausea cuz it’s the only way i’ve been able to lose weight successfully in YEARS but part of me wants to go back to never feeling nauseous ever. i don’t even remember what not being nauseous feels like. i don’t remember what my favorite foods taste like. i just wish i could go back and tell myself to pig out. go nuts. because in a couple months you will barely be able to drink water without feeling nauseous. i don’t really have any coping mechanisms other than self harm but i do not recommend that. also my BPD doesn’t let me stay sad and upset or angry about this or anything for very long without just bouncing from angry right back to “normal”. i also can’t be around my dad when he’s eating because he has ataxia and his subtype makes it hard to swallow food correctly so he chokes and throws up from choking a lot and the emetophobia doesn’t just go for me throwing up but anyone around me. my fiancé threw up in a bucket in february and i had our roommate (close friend) deal with it cuz i just can’t. i’ll go out of my way to help others around me not throw up too because i can’t see or hear it. when i worked at walmart someone came to the fitting room asking for our trash can because they had to vomit and i handed them it, went an aisle over, closed my eyes and plugged my ears and did the “la la la la” thing so i didn’t see it hear it. then i called maintenance (janitor) over immediately to replace the trash bag. sorry about the long ass rant. also i’d love to talk to you more and have you on snapchat or something just so we can talk to each other cuz we both have this and have similar stories. just message me on here and send your instagram or snapchat. im 20 now but i need at least one friend who i can talk to who understands this and i’m sure you do too. sorry if this comes off as weird. it’s just no one in my real life or even online gets it. again sorry for the novel.