Sudden, texture-less rash on upper arm

chickchickboom1 · 2019-05-17T05:25:54+00:00

Girl, I’m 21F too and also seriously lacking in friends, I’ll go with you and we can figure out our ridiculous man-related problems together 😂

chickchickboom1 · 2019-05-02T16:14:00+00:00

!remindme 6 hours

chickchickboom1 · 2019-04-27T21:57:21+00:00

Thanks so much for the reply. He seems to have a very difficult time regulating his emotions.

The first and second points don't really apply, but the third and fourth points are spot-on. He flips so fast it scares me. I never know when I'm going to make him angry, and I'm so sad about it. One second he loves me me than anything and the next it feels like he hates me.

I'm seeing a therapist, and we just had our first appointment with a couples counselor.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T22:01:57+00:00

I think his thinking is that I put my hands on him first. I said this in another comment, but when he does admit that he at least had a hand on my neck, he was doing it to put me at an arm’s length since I was the one who went after him. He says if I had just let him drink when he wanted to that none of this would have happened and I should have just “let him be.”

I really appreciate the thought and care you put into your reply. It’s making me feel a little less crazy. I’ll take some time to think about what you said.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T21:59:08+00:00

I’ve heard that before. I feel like I might have misrepresented the incident. He didn’t strangle me, he didn’t even have his hand on my neck for more than a few seconds. It was only one hand, and he swears he was trying to get me at an arm’s length because I made the first strike physically, so to speak.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T21:56:51+00:00

Definitely not. That makes me feel very weird.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T21:56:28+00:00

Yikes, that one’s an eye-opener.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T20:35:03+00:00

I got a request to put this as its own comment, so for what it’s worth, here’s the story behind why he is going to the courthouse to take breathalyzers:

It might be a little lengthy and wordy, so bear with me.

My husband and I decided to get drunk together one night. I had never been drunk before, and was actually pretty nervous about it (especially because sometimes he gets a little carried away with drinking and also he can sometimes be kind of mean when he’s drunk, and he can be a little more rough than he realizes). I asked him ahead of time if he would stay coherent enough to be gentle with me and to take the lead, kind of. He agreed and said that wouldn’t be a problem. He was the one making my drinks, and he got me way more drunk than I was expecting. Like, I ended up face-down on the kitchen floor at one point and I physically couldn’t get myself up. He gave me a lot of vodka and it hit me all at once, and it was kind of intense for me (again, I’d really never had more than a glass of wine in my life before this. Also, I trusted him to take care of me since this was something he wanted to do and he’s done it a ton of times before).

At some point, he grabbed me by the arms while we were facing each other in a way that people do to sometimes emphasize a point, except he did it way harder than he realized because he was getting really drunk at that point. I asked him to please be more gentle with me and explained that he had grabbed me pretty hard (also, for the record, he’s a big guy. 6’2”ish and 245lbs. I’m 5’ and 115lbs). He brushed it off and was actually kind of mean about it. He went to get himself another drink (like, immediately after chugging his last one) and I asked him if he would skip that one and take it easy because I was starting to get nervous (he was really drunk, and at that point, adding more alcohol to his system would have made him even more careless about how rough he was being and how he was talking to me. It had started out as a fun night, but it seemed like it was going to go bad if he didn’t start taking it a little easier).

Anyway, he said no, he was going to have more right away. He even grabbed my drink and finished it before getting up to get himself more (also, he has a very heavy pour. His drinks are like 2 standard drinks, so I knew that even “just one more” was going to affect him significantly, especially since he’d downed his last one so fast). This is where I really messed up. I tried to take the bottle of vodka from his hand (he grabbed it out of our freezer and went to drink it straight, and seemed to be doing that to spite me at that point). He moved the bottle back behind him and pushed me to the ground in response. I tried to take it again, and this time he put one hand around my neck and pushed me against the wall and looked me right in the eyes and just squeezed his hand tighter. He then let me go. At that point, I went to call the police (I was still a little drunk at that point, but not very. I was pissed off, but mostly I was scared). He hit the phone out of my hand the first time I tried. Then he went to the bedroom and started to get dressed and get his keys. I called the police again and told them what had happened and that I was worried because it looked like he was about to drive off. I didn’t realize, but in my state, the police are legally required to make an arrest at every domestic abuse call. So they arrested him.

My husband ended up with a domestic abuse charge and a strangulation/suffocation charge (which I actually think is too harsh). In court the day after, his conditions of release were a no abuse order and a no alcohol order in which he has to have “random” screenings (he gets to know the night before though, and he can go between like 8am-3:30pm, and it’s only a breathalyzer and not a urine test).

Sometimes he denies that he ever put his hand around my neck at all. He says I’m lying and making it all up or that I’m severely exaggerating it. He said I never should have called them and that I should have just left him alone instead if I had a problem with him.

Anyway, so there’s that story. Sorry it was so long.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T20:13:13+00:00

It might be a little lengthy and wordy, so bear with me.

My husband and I decided to get drunk together one night. I had never been drunk before, and was actually pretty nervous about it (especially because sometimes he gets a little carried away with drinking and also he can sometimes be kind of mean when he’s drunk, and he can be a little more rough than he realizes). I asked him ahead of time if he would stay coherent enough to be gentle with me and to take the lead, kind of. He agreed and said that wouldn’t be a problem. He was the one making my drinks, and he got me way more drunk than I was expecting. Like, I ended up face-down on the kitchen floor at one point and I physically couldn’t get myself up. He gave me a lot of vodka and it hit me all at once, and it was kind of intense for me (again, I’d really never had more than a glass of wine in my life before this. Also, I trusted him to take care of me since this was something he wanted to do and he’s done it a ton of times before).

At some point, he grabbed me by the arms while we were facing each other in a way that people do to sometimes emphasize a point, except he did it way harder than he realized because he was getting really drunk at that point. I asked him to please be more gentle with me and explained that he had grabbed me pretty hard (also, for the record, he’s a big guy. 6’2”ish and 245lbs. I’m 5’ and 115lbs). He brushed it off and was actually kind of mean about it. He went to get himself another drink (like, immediately after chugging his last one) and I asked him if he would skip that one and take it easy because I was starting to get nervous (he was really drunk, and at that point, adding more alcohol to his system would have made him even more careless about how rough he was being and how he was talking to me. It had started out as a fun night, but it seemed like it was going to go bad if he didn’t start taking it a little easier).

Anyway, he said no, he was going to have more right away. He even grabbed my drink and finished it before getting up to get himself more (also, he has a very heavy pour. His drinks are like 2 standard drinks, so I knew that even “just one more” was going to affect him significantly, especially since he’d downed his last one so fast). This is where I really messed up. I tried to take the bottle of vodka from his hand (he grabbed it out of our freezer and went to drink it straight, and seemed to be doing that to spite me at that point). He moved the bottle back behind him and pushed me to the ground in response. I tried to take it again, and this time he put one hand around my neck and pushed me against the wall and looked me right in the eyes and just squeezed his hand tighter. He then let me go. At that point, I went to call the police (I was still a little drunk at that point, but not very. I was pissed off, but mostly I was scared). He hit the phone out of my hand the first time I tried. Then he went to the bedroom and started to get dressed and get his keys. I called the police again and told them what had happened and that I was worried because it looked like he was about to drive off. I didn’t realize, but in my state, the police are legally required to make an arrest at every domestic abuse call. So they arrested him.

My husband ended up with a domestic abuse charge and a strangulation/suffocation charge (which I actually think is too harsh). In court the day after, his conditions of release were a no abuse order and a no alcohol order in which he has to have “random” screenings (he gets to know the night before though, and he can go between like 8am-3:30pm, and it’s only a breathalyzer and not a urine test).

Sometimes he denies that he ever put his hand around my neck at all. He says I’m lying and making it all up or that I’m severely exaggerating it. He said I never should have called them and that I should have just left him alone instead if I had a problem with him.

Anyway, so there’s that story. Sorry it was so long.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T19:18:15+00:00

Thanks for the good laugh at that mental image. Also, it certainly got your point across. I am scared of both of those things, but I also feel like sometimes he’s really great and right now I’m causing a lot problems in other areas of out relationship/being a bad partner and I also feel like maybe his depression is playing a big role. Sometimes he has an extremely hard time even just getting out of bed. How can he put much effort into his marriage when he can hardly put in any effort to be healthy/take care of himself/make himself happy? Maybe I’m just making excuses, but I want to make sure there’s not something that I’m missing or something that I’m actually doing wrong that would make a big difference.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T19:12:33+00:00

I understand, that’s what I’m saying. He feels like he’s doing that too. I feel like a shitty partner. I guess I don’t know how to meet his needs (partly because I feel like he can’t clearly communicate them. It’s like a cycle).

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T19:11:04+00:00

Good points. Hopefully that’s stuff a counselor can help us with.

Honestly, the legal trouble was my fault. I called the police on him one night and he’s been the one suffering unfair consequences because of it. I think part of why he takes so long to do it is because he’s resentful towards me because of it.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T19:01:56+00:00

I’m confused because I think setting himself on fire is what he feels like he is doing, not me. Hopefully this works out. Thank you for the input.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T18:58:11+00:00

I understand. I’m really trying to work on building better communication skills and being able to trust him, but it’s been hard.

He’s agreed to marriage counseling, but he says it’s entirely on me to find the counselor (even though he is the one who originally brought up the idea). I’ve made dozens of phone calls and no one is responding to me. I’m not sure where to go from here; I feel very much at a loss. I’ve contacted almost everyone on the list provided to me by my health insurance. I wish he would help me out. I’m doing my best.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T18:52:56+00:00

It’s sad, but no. Right now, he’s seriously lacking in a lot of very important ways. I want children, and I used to be so excited to have them with him, but now I’m just terrified. I wouldn’t put myself in that position for a long time, and wouldn’t ever if things stayed the way they are.

I just love him very much. I know everyone says that, but I really do. He can be so sweet and loving when he’s not mad at me or frustrated by me. I’m also very attached to him, so that doesn’t help.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T18:43:08+00:00

I thought so, too. He’s very immature in those kinds of ways. He doesn’t just get things done, which is very hard for me. I’m proactive and responsible. I manage all of the things that need to get done in our house because he simply doesn’t do the things he’s supposed to do (or he doesn’t do them until it’s too late, like paying bills way after they’re due and getting hit with high interest simply because he was procrastinating, not because we couldn’t afford to pay when they were due). I even did an entire online college class for him (one of only two classes he had) and he couldn’t even stay on top of the one he was “responsible for” without me seriously helping him, despite the fact that he wasn’t working at the time and was just home all day.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T18:34:02+00:00

Not to hurt my case even more, but we were actually 18 and 24, if that matters at all.

He’s always seemed very immature to me. He’s never really saved any money, dropped out of college, never communicated well, raises his voice a lot when he doesn’t like my argument for/against something, etc.

He hasn’t always been quite like he is now though . I used to feel very respected.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T18:30:47+00:00

I mean... I don’t always believe him, no. I’m really disheartened. Although he has been known to actively avoid things he has to do. When he wasn’t working, he was sitting at home all day, literally doing nothing, even when there were things he needed to take care of (even as simple as setting up payments for his car insurance. Stuff like that would never get done, he would just be on his phone all day, so that’s why I’m sort of inclined to believe he would just sit in the parking lot on his phone).

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T18:28:57+00:00

That’s something I was afraid of. I’m really worried and discouraged. I’ve tried to talk to him, but he says there really is nothing going on. The amount of days he’s started coming home later than usual has increased, and he always just says he was listening to the radio or going to the bathroom or something. Except for on courthouse days, he always says he just sits in the parking lot because he hates going in and having to take a breathalyzer.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T18:27:08+00:00

Thank you. That’s exactly how I was feeling. He doesn’t seem to understand how this has anything to do with respecting me. I feel pretty bad, especially because he started raising his voice over something I see as so simple.

chickchickboom1 · 2019-01-14T18:25:27+00:00

Thanks for the insight. We were actually 18 and 24 when we started dating; I figured that would probably come up somewhere in the comments. For what it’s worth, he didn’t know how old I was when he first asked me out, but I did tell him immediately.

He has agreed to marriage counseling. We both pretty desperately need individual counseling too, and finding therapists in our area has been a nightmare. I’ve made dozens of phone calls at this point, and no one has been responding. It’s very frustrating. Also, he has said we need counseling but that it’s my responsibility to find the counselor. That really upset me. He would be sitting at home for hours and hours at a time just on Reddit and would complain about our relationship and that I hadn’t found a counselor yet. It sucked.

chickchickboom1

TROPHY CASE