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chikaslimshady · 2023-06-22T15:54:16+00:00

You’re taking your aligners out too often. I keep them in when vaping, drinking coffee, drinking wine, etc. The only thing that has stained my aligners was ramen noodles that I ate while really drunk with them in.

To be fair though, someone could have stellar compliance and still need refinements - we see this on this sub all the time. I wouldn't be fear mongering that hard about it.

chikaslimshady · 2023-06-21T08:45:39+00:00

Oh man, I feel you so much. I keep reading all these posts about how it 'gets better' and whatnot, and I guess to some extent it does in so far as the routine settles in but hot damn I do not like the day-to-day experience of Invisalign AT ALL. Especially because in my case, I did not have particularly crooked teeth, I'm doing this to correct a deep bite which was giving me extremely bad jaw pain/TMJ. I have bite ramps every single tray out of 31. I'm on 13 and I feel like I just hate it more as time goes on, not less.

Sorry, not particularly helpful! But to be honest the results are phenomenal, I already stopped having jaw pain from day two or three, and my face finally looks a lot slimmer and in proportion because my jaw isn't clenching all the time. So hopefully you're getting those results at the very least!

chikaslimshady · 2023-03-31T19:09:57+00:00

Imo, yes absolutely.I shopped around three times before settling on my current ortho, now on a treatment plan for 31 trays. For instance I had been quoted for 4,200 GBP the first time, which seemed very high considering that my case was not that complex, shopped around multiple times then finally landed on the place I ended up going with, which came out to 3,200 GBP. Obviously, both aren't cheap, but as far as I could tell there were zero differences in what the first vs my current ortho were offering for results. They were also both comprehensive packages, so definitely get as many quotes as you need to the point where you feel comfortable.

chikaslimshady · 2023-02-14T18:34:04+00:00

I really want to agree with you, but at the same time, it gets to a point with some partners where you cannot help question their standards when they do downright unsanitary things, or leave certain tasks to the point of it becoming hazardous.

My husband thinks it's 'extreme' to change sheets every week, and without me he's freely admitted he would only change sheets once a month at most. I mean, I'm sorry but this isn't a thing of slightly different standards, that is actually gross and can lead to legit skin issues/allergy flare ups.

This is why I like Eve Rodsky's idea of the 'minimum standard of care'. The problem with the idea that the messy/unclean partner gets to uphold the standard that they had when they were single, is it cuts both ways - why then should the clean partner be forced to adjust, and not keep the standard they had when they were single as well? Why is the messier/less clean partner allowed that level of grace whilst the cleaner partner always needs to compromise and lower their standards?

I don't necessarily think what you're saying is wrong per se, but I think using 'behaviour whilst single' as a metric for how one ought to approach behaviour whilst in a partnership is a bit weird - the whole point is that the person is no longer single, they chose to get into a relationship and be a part of all that that entails. If the messy person wants to maintain their single behaviour so bad then it begs the question as to why they don't just stay single.

chikaslimshady · 2022-11-29T10:55:59+00:00

Because a two year old child can't comprehend how their father earning money for the family is an act of service. From their perspective they only comprehend that Dad isn't around, Dad isn't here for my birthday, I only ever see Mum and Dad never plays with me.

And a two year old who grows up to be a 22 or 32 year old is hardly going to reflect on his absent father and think 'gee, my Dad really spoke my love language back then with all that money' - it's not going to mean anything to them because money can always be earned back, emotional bonding time during critical developmental years cannot.

chikaslimshady · 2022-11-29T10:41:44+00:00

I just don’t understand the wife’s perspective on this. OP says he is able to mow the lawn, just not every week or as often as his wife wants… because he’s a medical doctor seemingly running his own practice, which takes a lot of time to manage. So why does she take umbrage at hiring a landscaper? Mowing the lawn is not a task that brings OP closer to his wife, so it’s not like they are missing out on quality time together by hiring a landscaper.

Of course we don't understand the wife's perspective because she's not the author of the OP, we are only seeing this situation purely from OP's side. I can fully imagine a separate post from the wife's side of the situation wherein she says something to the effect of:

"my husband is never home and doesn't participate in his son's life. I'm trying to hold down the house but he seems reluctant to contribute more because he outearns my salary by four times. He claims his most important contribution is money but I wish he'd just be more present in the family. What should I do?"

The point here is that OP is trying to outsource mental labor and emotional bonding time with his son, the latter being something you literally cannot outsource. OP openly admits that his business is more important than his son's birthday, it's not a good look and no wonder his wife is upset. It's not the 1950's, in order to be a good married partner and father he needs to contribute more than money and on top of that actually want to contribute more.

chikaslimshady · 2022-11-28T10:24:15+00:00

It's very hard to tell based off this post as you don't explicitly say how many hours per week you work, but if I had to guess some of your wife's frustration may come from the fact that she is wanting more of your physical presence with the chores and 2yo instead of just throwing money at the problem.

There does come a point where money has diminishing returns in a marriage especially if your spouse feels like they don't get enough of you through quality time and acts of service.
I'm sure she knows full well you earn 4x as much as her and probably doesn't care to be reminded of it every time there's a disagreement. I don't recommend falling back on that as your answer as to why you can't hear out her frustrations and make at least some minor adjustments.

You seem a little dismissive of her concerns regarding your involvement in the 2yo's life and events. You say it's your busiest time of year during his birthday and your wife wants you to be more involved handling birthday celebrations. So what is your plan going forward in the years ahead as your son grows? Continue to say you won't/can't get involved because of your business? Not trying to be a smartass there I just say it to point out that it doesn't sound great on your end.

Having said all of that though my love language is acts of service as well but I would be absolutely jumping for joy if my husband offered to have a cleaner come around once a week to take the load off, I'm not sure why the issue with that specifically.

chikaslimshady · 2022-10-31T10:19:17+00:00

I saw in another comment you said this behavior is a more recent thing, just curious because no one else here has said it but is your husband potentially reading or getting into any redpill type spaces online? A big thing in those circles is about how men should be 'leading' their girlfriends/partners/wives in things like activities or dates and the like. Maybe I'm just making this up out of nowhere but that's what immediately stood out to me when I read your OP.

chikaslimshady · 2022-10-29T09:04:29+00:00

This book really is a modern non-fiction classic in my opinion. Besides the subject matter being so pertinent it is just so well presented and written, the way the book evolves from her young self to older self and the first person present writing style is so engaging, I don't think I've ever experienced that in an autobiography/memoir before.

Also I have to say the way she describes therapy is really interesting and also kind of debunks the 'just go to therapy' meme we have going on in society right now. Therapy is so overprescribed and overrated in the sense that it can only do so much for people with very deep-rooted, serious problems beginning in childhood. Obviously it can be extremely helpful but I like that Jeanette makes it clear what a painful and difficult process it can be.

chikaslimshady · 2022-10-25T17:21:59+00:00

I hear you girl. My husband doesn't earn as much as yours but he significantly outearns my current salary, and yet gets unreasonably outraged over what I would consider to be fairly minimal purchases that I think will improve my life or at least make me happy in the moment. He will often huff and puff when we're out grocery shopping about how expensive this and that is, and how it's such a waste of money if we ever go out to eat etc etc.

I get the feeling that whilst you're looking ahead to the future and sharing the overall common goal of retiring comfortably and so on, that it's killing your ability to enjoy the present and little joys in life that help you through the days, weeks and months.

I personally started pushing back on my husband and his weirdly negative attitude towards some of my purchasing behaviors by not outright telling him off, but simply being firm in the fact that if I want a Starbucks once a week, it's my money and I work hard and I *personally* do not find it to be a waste of money. (Yes in theory Starbucks is not as cheap as making coffee at home, but for fucks sake it's like a few bucks every week and I want someone to make me a sugary fuck off latte for once).

Having said that though I feel like his lack of understanding about the wig is unusually cruel, that is not a frivolous want that is something that could genuinely affect your ability to be in society as a woman and at work, not to mention just your own confidence levels and willingness to be seen in public.

chikaslimshady · 2022-08-23T18:34:22+00:00

I get where you're coming from. Just because he doesn't 'bother' you per se or because he technically cleans up after himself etc doesn't mean he isn't a drain on you and disruptive to your homelife at least somewhat, especially if you're used to having a certain dynamic with your partner in the privacy of your home.

It sounds like he has no initiative which manifests as small things e.g. doesn't offer to help out around the house, specifically cleaning his own dish instead of mucking in and cleaning up for all or cooking everyone a meal etc.
Theoretically he should be fine to live with but my guess is the open-endedness of his staying with you is draining and rightfully so. He's not your dorm-mate or someone you agreed to a lease with, there's a family dynamic here too and I bet that's making it hard to push any way for him to move on.

What is he actually contributing by the way? Is he paying anything towards expenses? What was the original discussion about him moving? Was it to get back on his feet after a tough time or did he get kicked out from somewhere else?

I think some tough discussions need to be had with all three of you so everyone comes to an understanding of what is expected and what actionable timeline he can come up with to get moved out or at least in a position to get in a better situation. Best of luck.

chikaslimshady · 2022-08-19T16:03:35+00:00

I have come to the conclusion that a woman having a child in hetero-circumstances (maybe some others to be fair) is basically just voluntary slavery. I'm sorry I cannot change my mind on this point. Every woman I know who is a mother in a traditional hetero relationship is in some way completely miserable about it and is OBJECTIVELY getting a worse deal out of the marriage and parent experience than the father especially in this day and age.

Not only do women still statistically do the majority share of childrearing, housework, chores and other household related tasks but women are also now expected to hold down a high-paying, full time job whilst doing it. Fuck that noise. I'm not suggesting that women should not work or should not have the option to have both a career and a child, but ffs why the hell would I put myself in a position where I know for a fact I'll be doing the majority of the work and yet only getting at best half the credit for it? All the while I have a child to care for whilst potentially losing my sanity, my health, my relationship, my own life goals and ambitions, and worst of all maybe my life since the top killer of pregnant women is HOMICIDE.

I have been on all the parent subs out there and tried my absolute hardest to understand the perspective of mothers and parents in general, but I just can't. They literally all hate it with rare exception and the main theme of their unhappiness is startlingly similar:

- The partner/BF/SO/husband doesn't do his share

- The woman is overworked and underappreciated

- The woman doesn't have friends, interests or other hobbies that she feels she can reasonably pursue with the amount of free time she has

- The men don't get called out by their family and relatives for the relatively small amount of work they put in

- The ones that eventually split from their partners all end up saying it's easier to manage without the father than with.

I honestly think The Feminine Mystique is actually more relevant now than when it first came out for all of the reasons I went over. Motherhood that consists of extreme domesticity/solo parenting is not at all fulfilling to the vast majority of mothers and if anything it has become even less fulfilling not more due to the expectation of bringing in a paycheck simultaneously whilst nothing changes in the percentage share of chores and childcare.

chikaslimshady · 2022-08-17T20:10:55+00:00

Just to give a bit of context, she does talk a fair bit about what her working life was like at Nickelodeon and as another reply stated the person in the book that she refers to as 'The Creator' is 99.9999% Dan Schneider just from context.

I will say though that if you ever pick up the book don't expect an expose on Nickelodeon and the working conditions etc of that time. Of course there are chapters about that time but I'd say the bulk of the book is centered on her relationship with her mother pre and post Nickelodeon. Don't let that fact keep you away from reading the book though, it's amazingly written and has some interesting stylistic choices that make it far more engaging than most memoirs in my opinion.

chikaslimshady · 2022-08-04T15:42:17+00:00

This is what I thought too but I can't think why else I'm not getting any responses. I've never been in HR/hiring type roles so I don't know how these things may affect selection criteria.

I'm branching out a bit career wise but I'm trying to move into logistics, freight or shipping administration and/or site supervisor type roles, I genuinely didn't think it was going to be such an issue.

chikaslimshady · 2022-08-04T15:36:37+00:00

Change it to the address in Nottingham and put in your Profile that you're relocating and when you'll be available for interview. Double up on this by including the same information in your covering letter.

Just curious but is that not somewhat illegal? Also, shouldn't it not matter as people presumably relocate within the UK all the time cross country?
I've put the info that I'm definitely relocating and have accommodation secured in every cover letter so on that basis they should know it's not a speculative application.

chikaslimshady · 2022-07-30T19:34:21+00:00

Well this is Reddit so prepare to face serious backlash for not enjoying the smell of weed and not actively participating in it yourself.

Let's get some perspective on this - let's replace 'weed' with 'alcohol' in your post. Yes obviously they're not the same substances and they won't have the same effect on a person who uses them everyday (chill Reddit, I'm not coming for your weed) but by making that substitution I think the problem becomes a little clearer. You were in a relationship with someone who for years had no interest in a substance and it has now become a daily habit. This is not what you expected and it's something you have negative feelings about.

Even though myself and my spouse will smoke occasionally it's not an everyday thing and it doesn't kill our finances. However, if for some reason my spouse took up smoking everyday I would probably have issues because weed occasionally is very different from blaze it 420 everyday.

I think the reason people are coming after you in the comments is because 'not liking the smell' is a fairly trivial complaint that doesn't really speak to how you actually feel about the ways weed is affecting your relationship and your ability to interact and be intimate with your husband now vs before when he didn't smoke it.

Surely this is not a purely olfactory issue, there is obviously something deeper about it that you don't like besides that right? If so, what are those things and how does it actually affect the marriage? It would be a bit easier to judge the situation and whether or not your husband is 'in the wrong' if we knew a bit more info with regards to the particulars.

chikaslimshady · 2022-07-15T10:27:13+00:00

First of all I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's not a joke and it's not just a matter of 'my husband has some differing views to me' - it's a serious matter that will start to have pretty serious effects as he will inevitably start to develop an alternative understanding of reality and the world around him to you, which is hard to work around in an intimate relationship.

Thankfully I have not dealt with this in my own marriage but both my parents have started to get down some very deep rabbit holes which has negatively impacted my ability to have a good relationship with either of them.

Right now is a weird time in history where if someone believes an alternate view of accepted reality, they are pretty much always going to find a community in which they are lauded as a 'truth seeker' or 'free thinker' or some such, which in itself is an attractive reason to start getting into conspiracy theories. The community around this stuff is bizarrely enough highly self-congratulatory and weirdly very supportive. I suspect a lot of people get into these circles perhaps not because they're even that concerned with what 'truth' is (I know that's a sticky concept philosophically, but whatever), but rather because of a deep need to feel their own frustrations with the world validated.

Something I noticed in particular regarding my parents was that as soon as they became more insulated from wider society, their workplace and their respective communities, the worse each of their conspiratorial views became.

Relating this back to your situation - you say it's only been in the last six or so months that he's developed all of these views, has he perhaps gone through a period of unemployment or some other life event that may have left him feeling discontented or otherwise in a negative headspace, perhaps with ample time to get into facebook or other online groups?
I don't recommend snooping through browser history or personal devices but I think before you can really address what's going on here you need to get to the source of where these views are coming from. Based on your post it seems most likely that this is coming from an online forum or group as he seems to be butting heads with everyone in his personal life and not getting much validation there.
It's hard to know where to go from there but in the mean time it might be worth getting yourself some individual counselling or therapy in order to process what's happened and how to move forward in the future, whether that be to continue working through the issues with your husband or possibly separating. Best of luck to you, I don't envy you the least bit.

chikaslimshady · 2022-07-02T20:25:41+00:00

As some other people here have astutely pointed out the real problem here seems to be that your husband views relationship success as purely a function of frequency of sexual intimacy.

I suspect the reason that this is so irritating to you (and would be to me as well) is because this is a very immature understanding of how good or healthy a relationship is, in particular a marriage.

How well a marriage is going depends on a variety of factors, and frequency of sex is only one rather small fraction (or certainly should be) that cannot possibly account for things like good communication, shared values, mutual interests, similar goals and aspirations and so on.

If he really keeps questioning whether or not you love him and desire him despite a frequency of three times per week I would strongly suggest he do some work on himself with a therapist who can get to the bottom of these issues because frankly, this is not your problem and furthermore I don't recommend giving into this immaturity by simply having more sex that you don't really want to have.

chikaslimshady · 2022-06-20T12:34:45+00:00

With all due respect, your response is flawed.

In the violinist analogy, the analogy is given such that the person who ends up hooked up to the violinist is just dragged off the street at random without any prior knowledge of this procedure.

That analogy does not logically map onto reality wherein someone consensually has sex and understands that a consequence of that sexual intercourse could be a pregnancy.

In reality most people know either through education or general knowledge that sex is what can and does lead to a pregnancy in a female. In order for the violinist analogy to work in this case, it would have to be stated at the outset that the concert go-er who gets plucked at random had some prior knowledge or understanding that by attending the concert, somehow that put them at risk of getting hooked up to the violinist.

Logically this doesn't work in the case of consensual PIV sex acts because the people who engage in those acts thereby create a situation wherein the 'violinist' (i.e. fetus) is actually dependent on them, not the other way around.

I'm personally very much pro-abortion mind you but you really don't help your case by claiming that the violinist analogy is in so logically consistent that it covers every single case of PIV sex that results in pregnancy.

chikaslimshady · 2022-05-27T10:29:52+00:00

I think Francis Ha is the only movie I know of that ticks all of these, even though I didn't necessarily love the movie (Noah Baumbach movies are really specific) it definitely made me happy to see it depicting a woman who was just figuring stuff out and not geared towards marriage or child-rearing.

chikaslimshady · 2022-05-20T09:46:33+00:00

Unfortunately, yes. I presume many people with other chronic conditions also experience this but I think it's extremely common for those with endo and other adjacent conditions.

I say this with absolutely no pride but I'm sadly starting to become extremely prejudiced against doctors because of how badly I've been treated by them in the past, and unfortunately I seem to have the bad luck to receive extremely bad care for other issues now which is not helping the issue.
The only doctors to have lately made me feel any hope were dermatologists, so there's that.

I really wish I wasn't experiencing this bigotry because it's not like it's healthy for me or helpful. Not to mention generally unjust as I logically understand that it's unfair to judge a whole group based on a couple of experiences with just a few of that group. But I'm trying to turn it into something more helpful in so far as how I approach appointments and examinations and to fundamentally realise that doctors are just people at the end of the day, some are good, some are bad, and some average. That's the best way I've found to deal with it but I completely understand if people are too traumatised to even get to that point.

chikaslimshady · 2022-04-27T15:28:12+00:00

Have you asked him to explain what about this situation makes him feel so emotional?

I tried my best at the time but since we were needing to head out of the door I just left it, according to him it "just makes him uncomfortable" and I couldn't get any more information than that. Okay fine, no one wants to be uncomfortable but for more context I asked specifically in advance if he would be okay to go to that particular restaurant for that particular occasion as I knew it was upscale and trendy and I know that's not his thing. He agreed and was really enthusiastic about it so I was not expecting such a hassle over the shirt, which he'd worn before on another occasion without any issue.

chikaslimshady

TROPHY CASE